Lisa Rinna and Erika head to Tokyo while Dorit wastes away again in Margaritaville

By Jodi Walker
January 10, 2018 at 01:11 PM EST
Bravo
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The drama on this season of RHOBH is coming; you can feel it creeping up like the lace crotch of one of Dorit’s awful rompers every time BestFriendsForNow Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump throw another passive aggressive barb at each other. But for this very moment, we’re still living in the peaceful Beverly Hills bliss of LVP seductively stroking diamonds and dogs (and swans and mini horses and turtles); of Teddi hoofing it up a canyon at midday like some sort of Captain America having-it-all in a Lululemon sports bra; of Kyle being exasperated by the nonessential byproducts of her own wealth; of Tokyo-Erika living her most Erika life in vintage thigh-high patent leather Guccis; and of Lisa Rinna being a cool mom, thus far, the best Lisa Rinna variant

Nothing about Dorit is peaceful or blissful, but rest assured, it’s all very Beverly Hills.

Lisa Vanderpump has been flying under the radar thus far this season, but in Tuesday’s episode, she makes her official debut — elbow-length gloves, white dress, sweeping curtsy, the whole deal. While Erika and Rinna are sequestered in Tokyo, she invites Teddi, Dorit, and Kyle over for lunch so Teddi can discover that, legally, Dorit is required to talk s— about Lisa Rinna at every single filmed event. And by “legally,” I of course mean that PK told her he’d get her those Hermès placemats and toilet seat covers she’s been salivating over if she got at least 200 Rinna digs in over lunch. She succeeded!

Not really, but Dorit does successfully pin a rhinestone brooch to the front of her head while driving an itty bitty wedge between Kyle and LVP. Freshly back from Croatia, Kyle is feeling herself, sassing around, and telling Dorit she has an eyelash on her nose; this passes for shade in Beverly Hills. (Dear Lord and Savior Andy Cohen, please let there be a RHOA crossover episode in our future.) After Dorit uses LVP’s love language — complimenting the SUR menu — Lisa tosses at Kyle, “I think I like her more than you.” (Lisa Vanderpump is such an effortless queen bee, I would love to read a YA novel about her life at wealthy British boarding school.) LVP tells Dorit that the eyelash is nothing, she’ll know when Kyle’s being mean. Kyle snarks back, “Well at least it’s on the table instead of being sneaky.” Good point, Kyle. And welcome to your storyline for the season.

Detoxing from girl time, Teddi plans some family time which involves her sprinting up a mountain while her husband run-pushes their kids in a double BOB stroller behind her, and I will never get over it. I hope Teddi, on the other hand, might get over talking about her childhood quite so much in the near future.

And now, it’s time for Rinna to try her very best — and fail in the grandest of fashions — to hide her smugness while talking about how CraAaAaAzyyyy her daughter’s modeling success has been. Delilah and Amelia are traveling to Tokyo to promote Japanese brand Samantha Thavasa and shoot Tokyo Taiwan, which is very cool for them, and very cool for us, because we get to hear Lisa Rinna say things like, “This is what life is like for me: I have to fly by myself to Tokyo because my daughters are flying in from Canada,” while tapping around on a first class seat screen and drinking her eternal and ever-giant mug of coffee.

You kind of have to appreciate Rinna’s take on the situation after she watches her daughters at the opening though. “They’re in this little window right now of millennials who are children of famous people,” she says with shocking clarity. “The Kardashians opened the window, and it continued with the Hadids. So they get in the door quick maybe, but … they have to work really hard because that window’s gonna close in a hot second.” But, hey, this isn’t about Delilah and Amelia and all their teen-nepotism successes! This is about Lisa Rinna and Erika paling around in Tokyo and, I think, creating feminism…

They walk around Japanese gardens, eating matcha ice cream and toting paper parasols as Erika praises Rinna for smashing the drama with Dorit. Rinna says that she doesn’t need or expect an apology from Dorit, she simply needs “to clean my side of the street so I can move forward.” Where is Lisa Rinna and what have you done with her, lady in a Lisa Rinna wig™? “WOMEN SUPPORTING WOMEN!” enthuses Rinna shortly before…

Heading to lunch at a geisha house. Watching Erika dress for Tokyo fashion is a trippy delight, and knowing that she brought her entire glam squad with her to organize her clothes and pin her electric pink wig in place is the truest form of lifestyle envy I’ve had all season. Watching Mikey hang each piece of her clothing with the care and worship of some Missandei/Grey Worm hybrid, as I stared at the suitcases I still haven’t unpacked from Christmas brought me actual physical pain. It was only salved by Erika telling Rinna in the limo that her dress was, “McQueen from 15 years ago.”

Why Erika wore this full ensemble for a quiet dinner surrounded by elderly Japanese women just trying to do their jobs, instead of to the fancy downtown dinner with Rinna’s daughters, I’m not sure. But there were other things to be distracted by at that dinner, like Delilah telling her mom that as a 12-year-old, she read her book, Rinnavation: Getting Your Best Life Ever, where one chapter, “literally teaches you how to give head.” Amelia adds, “Very precisely,” rolling her eyes.

Listen, this is not the relationship my precious mother and I have, but watching Rinna cry from laughter as she reads her very specific fake-deep-throating techniques in testimonial was pretty hilarious.  “Do I worry that I haven’t given them enough?” Rinna wonders, after previously hoping that she’s taught her daughters to trust their instincts and not get into the bad situations their new industry can bring. “Our job as parents is to give our kids the tools so they can go out into the world and conquer it — you just don’t think you’re actually going to give them this,” says Lisa, make a sort of…butter-churning motion. Might be time to look into Rinnavation.

And now, it’s back to Beverly Hills reality, where LVP is welcoming a few characters who look like they came from the The Hunger Games Capitol into her We Bought a Zoo home for a meeting about diamonds. Apparently Lisa has been named the Editor in Chief of Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, which she says she’s written for since its inception. So what do her revelatory EIC ideas look like? Well, she’s designed a jewelry line alongside Christine Makowsky, so she suggests “to just have the jewelry on somebody … you know, like a hand model, or get somebody who just does hand jobs.”

That somebody is Dorit Kemsley. If you’re following along at home, that means LVP’s first move as head editor is to just get her friend to come over to shoot photos at her house, for a jewelry line she designed. Truly, this is creativity! But the BHL people are loving it, saying that Dorit “embodies our girl” as a beautiful, current, working (???) mother. How could they have known that their girl would show up to the photo shoot complaining endlessly about having to use the magazine’s makeup artist? I understand the annoyance at feeling like you’re ill-prepared and preferring to have your own glam squad (okay, I don’t really understand that part), but don’t complain about it in front of the current makeup artist. So rude.

As if laughing at the mere idea that I thought Dorit’s complaints were rude, the RHOBH editors gifted us with this episode’s final scene. Kyle has inexplicably decided to have a dinner at her house, which is in the midst of the renovations (Rinnavations?) she’s been complaining about for weeks. Shortly after she finds her mother’s ashes sitting on a bar cart, she finds that all of the electricity has gone out in her home where she’s supposed to be hosting a dinner party in the middle of a heat wave. Nevertheless the tuna tartar must go on, and these are Kyle’s friends, so they’ll grin and bear it. Or rather…they’ll drink and bear it. These sweaty people are drinking like fishes; except Dorit, who is drinking like a humpback whale.

Camille has brought her new boyfriend David, who looks exactly like David Foster, and is named his name, and I guess, is David Foster. Except, instead of getting behind the piano to play show tunes when no one wants him to, this David is just a sweet, shy man at a casual dinner party. Which makes it all the more cringe-worthy when Dorit gets belligerently drunk and starts slurring her already insanely-accented words. Mauricio asks if Camille would ever want another baby, and she dryly reminds him that she doesn’t have a uterus, so no. This leads to Dorit screaming down the table, “Camille would you be our godfather?” to which Camille further adds to her anatomical breakdown that she doesn’t have “a d–k and testicles”…so that’s another hard pass.

Of course, that’s reason enough for Dorit to start a narrative that she’ll make a strap-on line in Camille’s honor. In her confessional, Teddi, who has known Dorit for about six days, says that when Dorit starts talking like this, she just shuts her out. But you know what’s difficult to shut out? Dorit screaming, “Camille! You’re a stupid c—!” while literally everyone at the table shushes her repeatedly. I haven’t quite understood what Camille is doing here this season, but now I do. She’s here to flawlessly deliver the line: “Dorit, everyone’s entitled to act stupid every once in a while — but you really abuse the question.” Put you on a stick and call you a marshmallow, because you just got roasted, baby.

Is this about to turn into another name-calling storyline, or will Camille let it go? Would Rinna’s daughters really have a Japanese fanbase willing to show up at the Narita airport? Did you savor the “YOU’RE SUCH A F—ING LIAR, CAMILLE” flashback as much as I did?

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe
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