January 02, 2018 at 10:39 PM EST

Adding an accountability coach to the cast of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, it’s as though suddenly everyone is speaking Portuguese half the time. When Grown-Up-Horse-Girl Teddi points out that it’s odd how Grown-Up-Ham-Sandwich Dorit is calling Lisa Rinna an unhinged schizophrenic behind her back after just agreeing to move on from their drama, it’s a real curveball. Choosing to hold someone accountable for being a transparent, gossiping bag of accents, rather than just soaking up that sweet, sweet wealthy lady drama…well, what do you think this is, Teddi, Real Housewives of Emotionally Stable Logic Land?

The editors must like Teddi’s whole “reasonable human” schtick though because Tuesday’s episode revolves heavily around the li’lest Mellencamp. First, she grabs sushi with Lisa Rinna to get to know each other, and after bonding over the fact that Beverly Hills preschool tuition costs more than four years of a solid state school education, Teddi decides that despite Dorit and Lisa Vanderpump telling her Rinna is the Secretary/Treasurer of Looneyville, she thinks Rinna is “fun” and she wants to invite her to the upcoming horse riding event she’s competing in. To be fair to everyone involved, the two are not mutually exclusive: Rinna is fun, and she could wake up one morning and decide to crack a wine glass over your head because you pronounced Delilah’s middle name wrong, or whatever.

I’m telling you all of this because I’m a TV recapper and that is my literal job. PK is in Dorit’s closet grilling her about what’s going on with Lisa Rinna because he’s a thirsty pile of discarded raisins who treats his wife’s actual life like it’s a television show. Dorit tells him that she had a nice time with Erika in Las Vegas and he responds, “This is interesting, so you’re cool with Erika.” Now he wants to know how she did with Rinna so he can write about it in his diary later and update the very special voodoo dolls he keeps of each of his wife’s coworkers. Dorit announces that Rinna was nice and apologetic to her in Vegas, so PK decides “on that basis” — go on and update that murder wall I know you have in a closet somewhere, ya creep — that Dorit should invite both Erika and Rinna to the birthday party he’s hosting for her.

And what a party it is! Dorit wears her hair wet, her dress is made out of some garbage-bag-trampoline hybrid, and PK wheels little Jagger out to show off his precious face and make his parents seem less like monsters. I believe that it could have been completely innocent when the little guy pointed at Erika and said “bad guy”…but I also believe that PK makes him sit down and watch tape on one of those kid-safe iPads like a scary peewee football dad looking to get his kid in the NFL one day.

Further, I believe that LVP is the beautiful manipulator everyone accuses her of being when we see her playfully and repeatedly suggest that Rinna get up an give a surely unwanted toast to Dorit, and you can just overhear Ken husk out, “Or Erika maybe.” It’s not easy to keep that drama mill spinning, but LVP takes her matriarchal job very seriously, and Ken…well, Ken just needs a hobby that isn’t putting dogs in pilgrim collars. I consider the scene where Lisa talks about how “young, fit, handsome, and virile” Teddi’s hot husband is in her testimonial, as Ken creaks over to kiss Teddi’s hand to be a personal New Year’s gift to me from the editors. It is so rude and so delicious.

Anyway, Rinna gives the speech and it’s fine; the real point of contention comes when Teddi decides to randomly tell Erika that there was a moment in Vegas where she “felt kind of dismissed by [her] for a second.” Now, Erika is no Mr. Rogers of warmth, and I’m no professional texter of accountability, but this doesn’t really seem to line up with Teddi deciding last week that Erika making her feel self-conscious was her own personal problem. I guess I respect that these are two monotoned blondes who are willing to have an awkward conversation, say an “I’m sorry if I made you feel that way,” and then move on. But the thing is, then I have to feel awkward too — and I don’t come to RHOBH to feel awkward. I come to hear Kyle say she just has to get on her personal Croatian cruise right now because the hammering of the outlandish renovations being done to her Beverly Hills mansion are simply driving her maaaad. (Recap continues on page 2)

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