Teddi takes center stage while Rinna remains the center of Dorit and PK's attention
Adding an accountability coach to the cast of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, it’s as though suddenly everyone is speaking Portuguese half the time. When Grown-Up-Horse-Girl Teddi points out that it’s odd how Grown-Up-Ham-Sandwich Dorit is calling Lisa Rinna an unhinged schizophrenic behind her back after just agreeing to move on from their drama, it’s a real curveball. Choosing to hold someone accountable for being a transparent, gossiping bag of accents, rather than just soaking up that sweet, sweet wealthy lady drama…well, what do you think this is, Teddi, Real Housewives of Emotionally Stable Logic Land?
The editors must like Teddi’s whole “reasonable human” schtick though because Tuesday’s episode revolves heavily around the li’lest Mellencamp. First, she grabs sushi with Lisa Rinna to get to know each other, and after bonding over the fact that Beverly Hills preschool tuition costs more than four years of a solid state school education, Teddi decides that despite Dorit and Lisa Vanderpump telling her Rinna is the Secretary/Treasurer of Looneyville, she thinks Rinna is “fun” and she wants to invite her to the upcoming horse riding event she’s competing in. To be fair to everyone involved, the two are not mutually exclusive: Rinna is fun, and she could wake up one morning and decide to crack a wine glass over your head because you pronounced Delilah’s middle name wrong, or whatever.
I’m telling you all of this because I’m a TV recapper and that is my literal job. PK is in Dorit’s closet grilling her about what’s going on with Lisa Rinna because he’s a thirsty pile of discarded raisins who treats his wife’s actual life like it’s a television show. Dorit tells him that she had a nice time with Erika in Las Vegas and he responds, “This is interesting, so you’re cool with Erika.” Now he wants to know how she did with Rinna so he can write about it in his diary later and update the very special voodoo dolls he keeps of each of his wife’s coworkers. Dorit announces that Rinna was nice and apologetic to her in Vegas, so PK decides “on that basis” — go on and update that murder wall I know you have in a closet somewhere, ya creep — that Dorit should invite both Erika and Rinna to the birthday party he’s hosting for her.
And what a party it is! Dorit wears her hair wet, her dress is made out of some garbage-bag-trampoline hybrid, and PK wheels little Jagger out to show off his precious face and make his parents seem less like monsters. I believe that it could have been completely innocent when the little guy pointed at Erika and said “bad guy”…but I also believe that PK makes him sit down and watch tape on one of those kid-safe iPads like a scary peewee football dad looking to get his kid in the NFL one day.
Further, I believe that LVP is the beautiful manipulator everyone accuses her of being when we see her playfully and repeatedly suggest that Rinna get up an give a surely unwanted toast to Dorit, and you can just overhear Ken husk out, “Or Erika maybe.” It’s not easy to keep that drama mill spinning, but LVP takes her matriarchal job very seriously, and Ken…well, Ken just needs a hobby that isn’t putting dogs in pilgrim collars. I consider the scene where Lisa talks about how “young, fit, handsome, and virile” Teddi’s hot husband is in her testimonial, as Ken creaks over to kiss Teddi’s hand to be a personal New Year’s gift to me from the editors. It is so rude and so delicious.
Anyway, Rinna gives the speech and it’s fine; the real point of contention comes when Teddi decides to randomly tell Erika that there was a moment in Vegas where she “felt kind of dismissed by [her] for a second.” Now, Erika is no Mr. Rogers of warmth, and I’m no professional texter of accountability, but this doesn’t really seem to line up with Teddi deciding last week that Erika making her feel self-conscious was her own personal problem. I guess I respect that these are two monotoned blondes who are willing to have an awkward conversation, say an “I’m sorry if I made you feel that way,” and then move on. But the thing is, then I have to feel awkward too — and I don’t come to RHOBH to feel awkward. I come to hear Kyle say she just has to get on her personal Croatian cruise right now because the hammering of the outlandish renovations being done to her Beverly Hills mansion are simply driving her maaaad. (Recap continues on page 2)
But Teddi is back to her mission statement of being a laid-back horse girl when the Lisas and Dorit arrive at her riding competition. Even though Teddi repeatedly told her that it would be a dirty horse track littered with horse poop, and she should wear closed-toed shoes, Dorit hobbles out in six-inch heels, a skin-tight dress, and a derby hat. Because it is very, very important to Dorit that you understand that she’s a craAaAaAzy RICH lady! Teddi takes the blue ribbon for her horse-jumpin’ skills, we learn that she and LVP are both regular churchgoing horse-lovers, and that even if it’s regarding going to church, Vanderpump will take any opportunity to take a dig at Rinna (“You need to go [to church] and beg for forgiveness!”) and Rinna will laugh it off. Y’know…until she decides she’d rather make a shiv out of a Stuart Weitzman heel and stab her fellow Lisa.
Over at the opposite end of a horse track, in Erika Jayne’s office/dressing room, she’s invited the co-author of her forthcoming book for a chat. Brian Moylan is a longtime RHOBH recapper (he also recapped Fire Island for EW.com); Erika read his work online, liked his style, and decided to ask him to help her write a book. So, Camille, if you’re out there, I’m available, and I’m willing to do the inevitable chapter about Kelsey falling off that stage that time for free.
Erika tells her co-author about her father inviting her over for thanksgiving 25 years later after abandoning her; when she asked about how he and his current wife ended up having children, her father responded, “Y’know, my wife never had any kids and I never had any kids…” Yikes. She says that’s when she knew the relationship with her father couldn’t be fixed: “There’s nothing to repair. Because it never existed. I never existed.” Erika’s ability to be completely vulnerable while still seeming entirely aloof remains unmatched in the Housewives world.
In the opposite corner, striking their signature balance of giddy insincerity, we have the dreaded Kemsleys, who are having Teddi and Edwin over for dinner. Dorit has just gotten her new Hermes place settings, which total at a reasonable $18,481.92, and she literally cannot wait to tell you about it. Teddi on the other hand wants to bring over a $30 bottle of wine that she found in her pantry, but her husband won’t let her, and then PK wants to serve it without getting out champagne flutes, but his wife won’t let him. And I hate agreeing with Dorit, you know I do, but, “Wine goes in a wine glass, champagne goes in a champagne glass — you wouldn’t eat cereal with a fork” is a good line.
Teddi tells Dorit and PK that they won’t have any more kids because they had a rough delivery with their youngest child, Cruz. Together, she and Edwin recount a harrowing and sincere story about choosing the one male embryo over the multiple female embryos during their IVF journey, and feeling like they were being punished for choosing the sex when the baby was born with a failing heart. You really feel for them as they explain how much protecting their children means to them…and then PK shares that his baby from a previous marriage was born with a “cone head.” Teddi might turn out to be a little boring, but her delivery of, “That’s the same thing…ish” might be worth it all.
Finally, they sit down to the dinner table, and PK gets to share what he’s been just dying to ever since he picked his v-neck for the evening: a random and unprompted story about how the first time Lisa Rinna came over for a dinner party, she was so nice, and then after she left she “basically attacked the whole evening.” Cry about it, why don’t you, PK, your napkin is conveniently pulled up from your lap to your nipples for some reason anyway.
Teddi looks bored to tears, but when Dorit swans in to chirp, “He thinks Lisa Rinna is schizophrenic,” she perks up enough in her confessional to say, “I mean unless you have a medical license, I don’t think I go there.” What PK and Dorit have is a shared license to annoy the s— out of me, and boy do they know how to use it. Teddi says that Rinna has seemed fine so far, and PK slurps back, “You wait, babe.” And let me tell you what, if PK ever called be babe, he would be getting a swift accountability kick to the balls, followed up with an accountability text containing a GIF of said kick. Happy new year, babes!