Pretend amnesia is the name, talking about it endlessly is the game

May 09, 2018 at 01:09 AM EDT

Have you ever thought of a comeback so perfect, so well-crafted, that you considered going back to school for a doctorate in particle acceleration (or whatever), just so you could try your hand at inventing time travel? Because, of course, you thought of this life-shattering, world-altering, argument-winning, wig-throwing, CEO of Shady McShaderson Industries comeback exactly 10 minutes after it could have any effect whatsoever on your life, or the life of your now mortal enemy: presumably, a person who got sassy with you in the CVS line.

We have all had this experience. Beautiful, accountable, exciting-as-sand Teddi, it seems, has not. Because she has had weeks — months, even — to prepare for tonight’s RHOBH face off regarding the time Erika almost swallowed her whole like that Voldemort snake for off-handedly saying Erika had “pretend amnesia,” and Erika taking that as Teddi calling her the most lying liar to ever lie about lying.

Teddi! “Amnesia” is a very rare occurrence, mostly popularized by television shows and fanfiction about television shows. When Erika wasn’t remembering whatever you needed her to, it would have been ludicrous for you to say she had real amnesia, Teddi! Any amnesia you were perplexed by Erika having in that moment would have to be fake, i.e. pretend. Fo example, you had not seen this woman be struck by a runaway dumpster, nor hit over the head by Mikey in attempt to wear her skin like a coat, nor star in a Sandra Bullock rom-com. It was perfectly reasonable, and characteristically lame for you to describe Erika’s lack of memory as pretend amnesia because unless Erika is extending her guest stints from Young and the Restless to Grey’s Anatomy, she could never have had the real thing.

This is all not to suggest that Teddi is in the wrong for not liking the way Erika almost incinerated her to ash like Voldemort’s face in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (are you sensing a theme here?) — just that Teddi could have explained further how it was unwarranted for Erika to nearly go full “Dracarys, Drogon” (uh oh, fantasy series switch-up!) on her for suggesting that she might not have a rare medical condition that caused her to forget her whole life. Instead, Erika went to every length possible on Tuesday night to suggest it was totally fine for her to eat Teddi like a hobbit’s second breakfast (am I losing you?) for saying she had pretend amnesia, and further, that the fault was in Teddi for simply perceiving her pure, unadulterated fury incorrectly. All Teddi needed to tell Erika about the pretend amnesia comment: It’s just really not that deep, babe.

Have I spent a lot of time on this one single thing from RHOBH reunion finale? Yes. But that’s because there’s not a lot else to do here! In the final installment of this three-part reunion — the very same place where the RHOA Reunion found NeNe yelling, “WHERE IS YOUR SCOOTER” and ended with a White Woman Who Shall Not Be Named proclaiming that racism is a social media construct inside a public restroom — we here at RHOBH are literally talking about the name of Lisa Vanderpump’s grandma and saying décolletage over and over again like that’s totally normal. For the most part, these women just didn’t come to play. They came to pout and wear sequins. And in that, they blew it out of the water.


LVP: You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t — how the f—- do you win with this crew?!

Erika: Every one of us feel that exact same way, you’ve put it beautifully. All six of us…there’s no way to win.

LVP: We’re just a bunch of losers. Let’s get used to it. (Recap continues on next page)

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