The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Cool girls and cry babies
Have you ever thought of a comeback so perfect, so well-crafted, that you considered going back to school for a doctorate in particle acceleration (or whatever), just so you could try your hand at inventing time travel? Because, of course, you thought of this life-shattering, world-altering, argument-winning, wig-throwing, CEO of Shady McShaderson Industries comeback exactly 10 minutes after it could have any effect whatsoever on your life, or the life of your now mortal enemy: presumably, a person who got sassy with you in the CVS line.
We have all had this experience. Beautiful, accountable, exciting-as-sand Teddi, it seems, has not. Because she has had weeks — months, even — to prepare for tonight’s RHOBH face off regarding the time Erika almost swallowed her whole like that Voldemort snake for off-handedly saying Erika had “pretend amnesia,” and Erika taking that as Teddi calling her the most lying liar to ever lie about lying.
Teddi! “Amnesia” is a very rare occurrence, mostly popularized by television shows and fanfiction about television shows. When Erika wasn’t remembering whatever you needed her to, it would have been ludicrous for you to say she had real amnesia, Teddi! Any amnesia you were perplexed by Erika having in that moment would have to be fake, i.e. pretend. Fo example, you had not seen this woman be struck by a runaway dumpster, nor hit over the head by Mikey in attempt to wear her skin like a coat, nor star in a Sandra Bullock rom-com. It was perfectly reasonable, and characteristically lame for you to describe Erika’s lack of memory as pretend amnesia because unless Erika is extending her guest stints from Young and the Restless to Grey’s Anatomy, she could never have had the real thing.
This is all not to suggest that Teddi is in the wrong for not liking the way Erika almost incinerated her to ash like Voldemort’s face in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (are you sensing a theme here?) — just that Teddi could have explained further how it was unwarranted for Erika to nearly go full “Dracarys, Drogon” (uh oh, fantasy series switch-up!) on her for suggesting that she might not have a rare medical condition that caused her to forget her whole life. Instead, Erika went to every length possible on Tuesday night to suggest it was totally fine for her to eat Teddi like a hobbit’s second breakfast (am I losing you?) for saying she had pretend amnesia, and further, that the fault was in Teddi for simply perceiving her pure, unadulterated fury incorrectly. All Teddi needed to tell Erika about the pretend amnesia comment: It’s just really not that deep, babe.
Have I spent a lot of time on this one single thing from RHOBH reunion finale? Yes. But that’s because there’s not a lot else to do here! In the final installment of this three-part reunion — the very same place where the RHOA Reunion found NeNe yelling, “WHERE IS YOUR SCOOTER” and ended with a White Woman Who Shall Not Be Named proclaiming that racism is a social media construct inside a public restroom — we here at RHOBH are literally talking about the name of Lisa Vanderpump’s grandma and saying décolletage over and over again like that’s totally normal. For the most part, these women just didn’t come to play. They came to pout and wear sequins. And in that, they blew it out of the water.
THE MOST TELLING EXCHANGE OF THE EPISODE
LVP: You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t — how the f—- do you win with this crew?!
Erika: Every one of us feel that exact same way, you’ve put it beautifully. All six of us…there’s no way to win.
LVP: We’re just a bunch of losers. Let’s get used to it. (Recap continues on next page)
WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Inspired by the reminder that Kyle didn’t know her beloved Nanny Kay’s name, Lisa Vanderpump tells Kyle that she doesn’t mean this in a hurtful way, but because of Kyle’s anxiety, and hypochondria, and dramatic family life, their conversations are 90 percent about her. Somehow, Kyle does seem mostly fine with that assessment, though she doesn’t quite understand why Lisa is making it right now. LVP repeatedly says she’s happy to play this supportive role to her good friend, Kyle — a dramatic, anxious hypochondriac — but she doesn’t seem happy about it. That is, until everyone suddenly figures out that LVP is saying all of this because after the Paley House dinner walk-out, Kyle suggested LVP was so upset because “it wasn’t about her for once.” After that, everyone seems very cool with LVP having stuck this little Tic Tac under her tongue to fester for months until she could bring it back up at the Reunion.
AMERICAN WOMAN, STAY AWAY FROM ME
Apparently, Kyle hasn’t spoken to her sister Kathy in six months even though Lisa Vanderpump spoke to Kathy just last night, where Kathy told her that if their mother were still alive, they could hold it all together. It also might help if Kyle stopped making shows about their family. I’m not saying Kyle should curb her success or interest in telling a fictionalized version of her family’s story, but I am saying it was a pretty magical moment to hear Kyle talk about how upset her sister is that she’s making American Woman, a story about a single mom raising daughters in the ’70s, and then have Andy explain the new show Kyle has in development: the story of a real estate upstart who strays away from his tycoon in-laws’ goliath business to start his-I-mean-her own Agency-I-mean-Business.
It’s important to note that while Kyle talks about her familial heartbreak, Erika stares off into the stage lights like a robot trying to make herself sneeze.
COOL GIRLS AND CRY BABIES, AN ERIKA JAYNE SINGLE
You guys — this Erika and Teddi business went on for so long while accomplishing so little, I think I passed out, imagined a TV show about a recapper who writes about a TV show that stars a woman who writes other TV shows. Should be a real hit…
But when I woke up, Erika was insisting that, for some reason, Teddi reacts particularly strongly to her. That was the first and last time Erika had me on her side. Teddi does react strongly to Erika’s briskness, but what Erika can’t see is that she also acts differently toward Teddi. When LVP asks Erika if she feels now that she was too aggressive with Teddi, and Erika says, “No, Lisa, that’s who I am…someone may say something that absolutely strikes you at your core and you will defend yourself.” The difference is, when Eileen said something that set Erika off, Erika recognized that she was overly aggressive, and later apologized to Eileen.
That’s because Erika likes and cares about Eileen, whereas she clearly just doesn’t like Teddi, and she seems to not care much for the show anymore either. The latter being so obvious cast a very weird shadow over all three parts of this reunion. Erika is definitely meaner to Teddi because she doesn’t like her, and Teddi is definitely scared of Erika because she’s mean to her. Why Erika seemed like she wanted to throw Andy Cohen into a vat of acid for the entire three-part reunion, I have no idea. I do know that at the end of talking in circles, not apologizing, and calling each other mean, Erika and Teddi both agreed that this was exactly what they needed to move forward, and the next time they see each other it will be a fresh start. So…Mazel, I guess?
As always, my enduring thanks for watching and reading along with me this season — I know I do 90 percent of the talking, but I simply couldn’t do it without your support. Drop your favorite Real Housewives maladies in the comments, and I’ll see you next season!
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