What's eating Erika Jayne?
I am…truly frightened of what is happening with Erika Girardi on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion right now. Sure, most of Tuesday night’s discussion revolved around Dorit because Dorit goes from zero to nonsense in a Beverly Hills second (that’s when the skinny hand on the clock goes from one tick to the next, but the hand is diamond-studded and in the shape of a small dog wearing a pilgrim collar). But, upon close inspection, this reunion series is really all about whatever silent horror film is playing out behind Erika’s eyelids.
Is there a reason Erika is always sitting with her hands braced against the couch like a Kenyan Olympian on the start block, about to smoke the hell out of everyone in the 10,000 meter? Is she preparing to make a break for it? Or is she about to attack? Is she bracing for attack? I just don’t know! And after last week when Erika told Andy that we’ve never actually seen her snap, I’m more nervous than ever before.
I think it’s something about the Claire-Foy-like way she’s able to keep every single part of herself so still, even when it’s clear that molten hot rage is coursing through her veins. Well, everything is still, except for those metal grates that crash down over eyes like a mall Claire’s at 8 p.m. every time Andy asks her a perfectly reasonable question. In some ways, this reunion is incredibly boring because, two episodes in, we’re still talking about the same perceived insults over tardiness and glassware and magazines you’ve never heard of but are definitely, absolutely real.
I wonder if we might witness the first ever record spontaneous combustion of a reality television host’s head by sheer force of will. Only time will tell. For now, I’ll just worry about the fact that we’re literally watching these women eat grilled chicken with plastic cutlery on their lunch break. Wherefore art though, Beverly Hills?
We’re treated to a montage of our favorite fancy ladies spending their money throughout the season, and that’s all super fun until we’re reminded that every single handbag or piece of jewelry we saw Kyle wear throughout the season was recently stolen from her home, which is awful. But if you really want to feel violated, just pretend you’re Andy when he asks Erika if it’s true that she spends $40,000 on glam a month. “Not just on glam,” she says as he laser pupils dart over to him, daring him to suggest that it’s not XXPEN$IVE to be her. Erika says that figure could include clothes, too, and that “lots of other people” she knows spend 90 to 100 grand a month. See, Andy: It’s fairly rea$onably priced to be meeee-aaaay-eh-eh-eh-eh-ay.
When asked why she still wears real fur even though PETA notably came to one of her book signings recently, Erika responds, “I always have — why not?” Which, coincidentally, is exactly what I would tell Andy Cohen should he ever ask me why I continue to justify getting delivery when I have food I could cook at home by saying that it will actually be like getting three meals in one because I’ll have leftovers, even though I know I’m just going to eat all the pad thai in one sitting.
THE THREE ODDEST FRIENDS THAT ANYONE COULD HAVE
Andy points out how insane it is that Erika, Rinna, and Dorit were able to be so friendly this season considering their troubles last year. Then something even more insane happens: Dorit apologizes — like, uses the word “apologize” and everything — to Lisa Rinna for all the things that she and PK said about her last year. Rinna says “Hm!” like someone discovering that the “L” in the Staples logo is actually a staple, then gives an ambiguous, “Thank you.” (Recap continues on next page)