Erika looks like she's ready to cut a...host in Part 1 of the RHOBH Reunion
What exactly does Dorit not understand? Other than bobby pin efficiency and the physics of a human woman’s butt in a swimsuit, obviously. Doesn’t she realize that the rest of her cast mates watch these RHOBH episodes back like a former Texas high school quarterback watching tapes in advance of his more talented son’s State Championship through whom he’s vicariously living out his dashed dreams? Or to use an analogy closer to our world: like Bethenny Frankel watching the Skinny Girl cold cuts’ sales numbers, or NeNe Leakes watching Brielle Biermann’s Snapchats, or Countess LuAnn watching The Regency’s security tapes. Which is all to say: They’re watching very closely.
It’s clear that every woman flanking Andy Cohen on couches inside the luxury apartment building lobby this reunion was apparently taped in has memorized every word of season 8 in advance of this Reunion. So, how — oh, how — does Dorit think she can just lie about the things she’s said and done throughout the season? These things…they’ve happened on camera! She can’t just…say they didn’t happen! And if it really is just her clown car brain failing to remember what really happened, why doesn’t she put in the work and watch these episodes back like everyone else? I mean, America’s sweetheart Meg Ryan apparently spent her holiday watching season 8. What does Dorit, America’s annoying second cousin who studied abroad in London for one semester, have going on that she can’t do the same?!
These are questions we’ll never know the answer to. But I’m hoping by the time we get to the end of this completely unnecessary three-part reunion, we might just figure out exactly what’s making Erika act like she’s smelling the inside of Lisa Rinna’s rat-poop-oven every time a perfectly reasonable question is lobbed her way. Did Andy steal whatever primer makes her skin glow like that? Did she forget to charge Mikey last night so he couldn’t reboot this morning to tell her which shoe would complete her figure-skating-Maleficent outfit?
I needn’t worry though; at the rate Part 1 moves, there will be plenty of time to exhaust every detail. After many wasted minutes of Andy wandering around backstage, he welcomes “the magnetic and mesmerizing ladies of Beverly Hills.” I have to assume he means the magnetic part literally; these women are wearing enough sequins to melt a credit card, disable your cell phone, and ensure you never get back inside a hotel room again. Before things (fingers crossed) get interesting, let’s assess how each Housewife fared at the start of the Reunion:
I might not ever get over Lisa Rinna with curly hair. Ringlets abounded, and yet, somehow, against all odds, even in an entirely different shape, that patented helmet of hair never moved. Which is appropriate because, all in all, this was a pretty placid season for Rinna. The only hint of drama comes from Lisa Vanderpump, who Rinna was apparently poking some fun at on Instagram while doing a rewatch of RHOBH season 1. But given that LVP is trying to act hurt by something she never even saw, and is certainly no worse than the digs she frequently takes at Rinna, it doesn’t hold much water. Still, LVP fares better than Jeremy from Queens who calls Rinna lame and gets a big ol’, “F–k you, Jeremy!” Not so lame anymore, is she, Jeremy?
Teddi still seems very scared that Erika is going to light her on fire with her eyes, and she would seem much cooler if she’d just says she doesn’t care if Dorit likes her or names a swimsuit after her because Dorit sucks and so do her wedgie-suits, but…Teddi mostly does fine for her first time out. She’s calm, she doesn’t cry, she doesn’t look insane, and she says that her dad along with his longtime romantic partner, Meg Ryan, watched the show with her over Christmas. When someone writes in a question asking if she’s ever had a non-rich-lady job (which is funny), she says that she worked her way up from the mailroom at CAA and used to be assistant to Lisa Rinna’s agent (which is cool). So there, Jeremy! Teddi also shares a very moving moment talking about her difficult journey with IVF, and how it makes her emotional to think about because her daughter is begging for another sibling, but she doesn’t know if she could do it all over again. Dorit — I kid you not — tells Teddi that she should get a dog from Vanderpump Dog Rescue instead.
As previously stated, I was very fearful for whatever emotional war was waging inside Erika’s head while her face remained completely still for most of the hour. Especially considering Andy starts off by quoting a line from Erika’s recent book about how she picked up a talent for saying hateful things from her mother; she informs Andy in response that they still haven’t really seen her eviscerate someone on a personal level. Yikes. Andy then asks her if her mom has read the book, and she says no, and Tom hasn’t either, because she hasn’t sent it to them. Later, when talking with Teddi about her dad, Andy jokes that he could see a Mellencamp/Erika Jayne collaboration in the future, Erika spitefully says, “Teddi’s father is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, he doesn’t need to collaborate with anyone.”
I don’t know who I’m more fearful for in an Andy/Erika feud, but I do know I don’t like it when Daddy and Scary Auntie fight.
These three get the combination treatment because tonight they rehash the exact same argument we have been rehashing for an entire season. The only new things worth noting are:
- Kyle’s hair and teeth, which probably both look fabulous, but are also hard to gage, because it’s like looking at an entirely new person with the same propensity for overreacting.
- Vanderpump’s coining of the phrase, “a little economical with the truth,” in regards to Dorit, which is just perfect, and hopefully gets added to her tagline next year. I prefer everything in excess — except the truth!
- When Dorit says she’s still upset that Kyle got in an argument with her on the night she was celebrating her magazine cover, Andy says, “With all due to Bella, it’s no Vogue.” Drag her.
Finally, Rinna says they all just need to let this go and move on, and the camera pans out, as if that’s what we’ll be doing heading into Part 2…only to reveal Kyle and LVP still talking a mile a minute right over Andy, our fearless leader who still has miles to go before he sleeps. And while I appreciate that fearlessness in the face of so much shrill and shine, he should probably still have a P.A. test his coffee first if Erika’s been anywhere near it. See you next week!