In advance of the reunion, Kyle has some grievances to air, and Dorit has some itty bitty bikinis to show.
“Rinna’s up Erika’s ass; Erika’s up Dorit’s ass; Dorit’s up Lisa Vanderpump’s ass!” What our dear, semi-sweet Kyle thinks she’s describing here is the cyclical nature of dishonesty within her contractually-obligated friend group; what’s she actually given us, of course, is a near word-for-word synopsis of the 2009 Dutch horror film, The Human Centipede. A film from which I learned that no one wants to be part of a human at all — but you really don’t want to be at the end of a human centipede. Hence Kyle’s extreme frustration during RHOBH‘s season 8 finale: all the toned butts available for kissing in Beverly Hills, and no one’s kissing hers. I guess she’ll just have to settle for her gorgeous home, her handsome husband, and her beautiful children.
But I guess I can take it easy on Kyle given that her finale code revealed her home was tragically burglarized soon after moving in, and Dr. Rinna told us that the inconsistency in Kyle’s family life makes her especially dependent on consistency in her friendships. Desiring consistency in friendships — can you imagine?! On Housewives? Oh, Kyle, surely you must know that you signed up to occasionally be accused of stirring up panty-related drama a year after said panty drama went down. As a result of the magically reappearing panties, this episode packed a little more heat than a Housewives finale generally does. Because, as we well know, any season of Housewives is mostly a waiting game until the true grand finale: a Housewives reunion.
Even the most boring of seasons can somehow turn into a fire reunion — need I remind you of The Tale of the Cellophane-Wrapped Bunny and the Single Tear? — but, given the recap of season 8 that preceded Tuesday night’s episode, my hopes aren’t too high for what the upcoming reunion could bring. Shall I recap the recap before we get into this episode? Shall I do it to the tune of “Jingle Bells?” Okay:
Erika wrote a book
She’s very proud to say
Rinna’s super chill now
Laughing all the way — hey!
Butts in Dorit’s swimsuits show
But her LVP-photos don’t
What fun it is to have a new Housewife
Though laugh about tardiness, she won’t — hey!
Deilah Belle, Deilah Belle
Kyle bought a house
Oh what fun, it’s not to watch
A dog-torture documentary– HEY!
Amelia Gray, Amelia Gray
Erika lost her mind
Teddi cried and Pink Dog died
And there was a storyline about menstrual bleeding — HEY!!!
So, y’know…the Reunion will probably be something like that, but three hours long. As for Tuesday night’s episode, I must admit, a thrill went through me knowing we were about to witness the runway debut of Beverly Beach by Dorit. That might sound crazy, but you know that feeling you get when you’re about to go to, say, a high school reunion…or you get added to a bachelorette-party email with a bunch of women you suspect are uptight, and you know it’s going to be awful, but it’s also going to give you just so much trash-talking content? That’s what the lead-up to Dorit’s fashion show felt like. Then — BOOM! — I should have known, even here, Dorit could find a way to let me down by not being terrible when I most needed her to be just that.
Sure, we got to hear her talk about how much of a perfectionist she is in front of all the people who actually perfected the fashion show venue. And, yes, there was that glorious cutaway from Dorit’s gorgeous event planner Cory, to Ken yawning in a car with puppies spilling out of his shirt. Yes, “Beverly Beach by Dorit” kind of rhymes and was written in curlz font everywhere, and a black mock-turtleneck dress was an interesting choice in which to debut a swimwear line, and one of the models said her suit was “eating her butt.” But all in all — other than being completely unwearable by any of the human women I personally know — Dorit’s collection was fine.
All of the ladies in attendance loved the suits, and there was even a sweet bit about how proud Dorit is of her hard work, and how she couldn’t have picked her dream back up without her husband’s support (although we seem to be skimming over the fact that he asked her to give up said dream in order to have children that are ultimately cared for by a team of nannies???). The real flubs come after Dorit’s show when the ladies sit down on the signature couches-for-the-Housewives-at-a-Housewives-event couches. Even though Kyle very directly told Dorit that they were fine and she didn’t want to argue with her anymore at the end of the Berlin trip, Kyle is not fine, and she does want to argue with Dorit. (Recap continues on next page)