In advance of the reunion, Kyle has some grievances to air, and Dorit has some itty bitty bikinis to show.

By Jodi Walker
April 18, 2018 at 12:21 AM EDT
Nicole Weingart/Bravo

“Rinna’s up Erika’s ass; Erika’s up Dorit’s ass; Dorit’s up Lisa Vanderpump’s ass!” What our dear, semi-sweet Kyle thinks she’s describing here is the cyclical nature of dishonesty within her contractually-obligated friend group; what’s she actually given us, of course, is a near word-for-word synopsis of the 2009 Dutch horror film, The Human Centipede. A film from which I learned that no one wants to be part of a human at all — but you really don’t want to be at the end of a human centipede. Hence Kyle’s extreme frustration during RHOBHs season 8 finale: all the toned butts available for kissing in Beverly Hills, and no one’s kissing hers. I guess she’ll just have to settle for her gorgeous home, her handsome husband, and her beautiful children.

But I guess I can take it easy on Kyle given that her finale code revealed her home was tragically burglarized soon after moving in, and Dr. Rinna told us that the inconsistency in Kyle’s family life makes her especially dependent on consistency in her friendships. Desiring consistency in friendships — can you imagine?! On Housewives? Oh, Kyle, surely you must know that you signed up to occasionally be accused of stirring up panty-related drama a year after said panty drama went down. As a result of the magically reappearing panties, this episode packed a little more heat than a Housewives finale generally does. Because, as we well know, any season of Housewives is mostly a waiting game until the true grand finale: a Housewives reunion.

Even the most boring of seasons can somehow turn into a fire reunion — need I remind you of The Tale of the Cellophane-Wrapped Bunny and the Single Tear? — but, given the recap of season 8 that preceded Tuesday night’s episode, my hopes aren’t too high for what the upcoming reunion could bring. Shall I recap the recap before we get into this episode? Shall I do it to the tune of “Jingle Bells?” Okay:

Erika wrote a book
She’s very proud to say
Rinna’s super chill now
Laughing all the way — hey!

Butts in Dorit’s swimsuits show
But her LVP-photos don’t
What fun it is to have a new Housewife
Though laugh about tardiness, she won’t — hey!

Deilah Belle, Deilah Belle
Kyle bought a house
Oh what fun, it’s not to watch
A dog-torture documentary– HEY!

Amelia Gray, Amelia Gray
Erika lost her mind
Teddi cried and Pink Dog died
And there was a storyline about menstrual bleeding — HEY!!!

So, y’know…the Reunion will probably be something like that, but three hours long. As for Tuesday night’s episode, I must admit, a thrill went through me knowing we were about to witness the runway debut of Beverly Beach by Dorit. That might sound crazy, but you know that feeling you get when you’re about to go to, say, a high school reunion…or you get added to a bachelorette-party email with a bunch of women you suspect are uptight, and you know it’s going to be awful, but it’s also going to give you just so much trash-talking content? That’s what the lead-up to Dorit’s fashion show felt like. Then — BOOM! — I should have known, even here, Dorit could find a way to let me down by not being terrible when I most needed her to be just that.

Sure, we got to hear her talk about how much of a perfectionist she is in front of all the people who actually perfected the fashion show venue. And, yes, there was that glorious cutaway from Dorit’s gorgeous event planner Cory, to Ken yawning in a car with puppies spilling out of his shirt. Yes, “Beverly Beach by Dorit” kind of rhymes and was written in curlz font everywhere, and a black mock-turtleneck dress was an interesting choice in which to debut a swimwear line, and one of the models said her suit was “eating her butt.” But all in all — other than being completely unwearable by any of the human women I personally know — Dorit’s collection was fine.

All of the ladies in attendance loved the suits, and there was even a sweet bit about how proud Dorit is of her hard work, and how she couldn’t have picked her dream back up without her husband’s support (although we seem to be skimming over the fact that he asked her to give up said dream in order to have children that are ultimately cared for by a team of nannies???). The real flubs come after Dorit’s show when the ladies sit down on the signature couches-for-the-Housewives-at-a-Housewives-event couches. Even though Kyle very directly told Dorit that they were fine and she didn’t want to argue with her anymore at the end of the Berlin trip, Kyle is not fine, and she does want to argue with Dorit.

To be fair, Kyle might not have started an argument at a big night for Dorit for the second time in a row if Dorit hadn’t directly asked her about it. But when everyone asks Lisa Vanderpump about what’s going on with Dorit’s photoshoot for Beverly Hills Lifestyle (still definitely a magazine!), and LVP marches circles around telling them that she decided to cut it the moment Dorit made her angry, Dorit then interprets some of Kyle’s responses as a little shady. So Dorit tells Kyle if she has any resolved feelings to just tell her so they can clear it up. And boy, does she!

The main problem is Dorit insinuating that Kyle had something to do with getting Erika upset at Dorit about the panty-gift last season, which on top of her telling Erika that Kyle was talking about Erika leaving Teddi’s beach house this season, makes Kyle feel like Dorit is trying to come between Kyle and Erika. I know — my eyes are rolling around in my head, too. I can’t even see the computer screen anymore. I hope you can you still read what I’m typing.

Dorit is actually staying pretty quiet, which is to say, not taking any accountability for definitely insinuating that Kyle had something to do with Erika being upset about PantyGate (ugh). But Erika is also being quiet, which is what really sets Kyle off. She wants Erika to stick up for her and say that she had nothing to do with it. But Kyle is so worked up by the time everyone starts calling out that of course they know Kyle wasn’t involved, that she storms away from the group yelling, “Everyone’s so busy kissing ass that they don’t want to tell the truth and I’m not into ass-kissing and not being honest!” Now, Kyle is right that the kissing of asses is a large component of RHOBH friendship dynamics — but I have to believe if it was her ass being kissed, she’d be handing out lip balms, happy as a clam.

Kyle does later admit to Teddi that she perhaps didn’t handle the situation perfectly, but her anger stands. She still wants to have the women over to see her house, however, and we’ve got to wrap this sucker up somehow. So Kyle calls up the event planner, secures that hair into a high pony, and opens her doors with hugs, kisses, and not an appropriate champagne glass in sight. After enough hodgepodge glasses have been gathered for a toast, the ladies awkwardly toast to both Dorit’s fashion show that got ruined by Kyle, and Kyle’s pilot, American Woman, which might also be ruined by Kyle, depending on how badly her next spiel goes.

Kyle tells everyone that she feels bad about how the night ended, and Dorit’s mouth is as tight as I assume everyone’s foreheads will be at the Reunion. Erika jumps in to say that she knows Kyle is frustrated because she feels like she didn’t stand up for her, so she apologizes for that, saying she was just confused, but she “100 percent” knows Kyle had nothing to with PantyGate. Dorit seethes, “Is that why you stormed out?” Kyle apologizes again for ending the night the way that she did; Dorit nods, but says in her testimonial that she has more to say to Kyle, she just doesn’t have any fight left in her.

Then we get a nice, long tour of Kyle’s closet full of Berkin bags, and some sweet remarks about her mom while watching the pilot, only to be hit with her awful end-of-season wrap-up, which tells us that over Christmas, Kyle’s house was burglarized — all her watches, handbags, jewelry, and irreplaacble items that belonged to her mother were stolen. That’s awful! Perhaps Dorit’s will be better? Oh, her swimsuits are named after her friends, the worst-looking one (sorry, Erika) was featured in Sports Illustrated, plus a dig at Teddi? Cool, cool.

As for Rinna, she’s planning Mama Lois’ 90th birthday party; Erika said on her book tour that she spends $40,000 a month on glam, Teddi got a $6 million house for $4 million, and LVP is crossing her fingers for some grandkids. You can read that to the tune of “Jingle Bells” too, and I’ll see you back here for whatever this reunion holds — ideally, more stuffed animals, and a live feed of Dorit being forced to watch how late she was to that lunch with Teddi that time.

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe
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