The ladies head from Berlin, to Beverly Hills, to Beverly Beach -- which is still not a real place

By Jodi Walker
April 11, 2018 at 01:49 AM EDT
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I was recently in a situation where there were three croissants available for four croissant-desiring people, which is to say, a nightmare. We were able to keep our wits about us (barely) and realize that if we took a quarter off each croissant, we’d all end up with an even three-quarters-croissant per person. All that to say: This episode was a plate of croissant tails — it’s not fooling anybody into thinking it’s a full croissant.

In theory, a lube-covered final night in Berlin, Erika performing at a New York City club where the operations manager is dressed in full Amadeus drag, and Dorit pretending to operate a business could have added up to a whole episode. But we know riffraff when we see it; we once spent a season with Eden, after all. I guess a coupl’a croissant tails are better than no croissant at all though, so here we are, listening to Teddi talk about horses again. Oh…sweet Teddi. On the final night in Berlin, when everyone comes down in their half-clothes, Teddi says, “Is this a costume party, or is this a girls’ trip where we’re sightseeing?” Teddi. It is 100 percent, no question about it, black-bra-option costume party. That’s the problem: This season on Beverly Hills, we’ve needed a little less lewk, and a lot more action.

Now, much like Teddi, nothing triggers tears from me faster than an unexpected confrontation (except Johnson & Johnson commercials and, for some reason, The Voice), so I hesitate to say what I’m about to say, because I know this is an island I live on alone, but hear me out: I could watch, perhaps, an entire series of Dorit playing Businesswoman Barbie. I just hate it so much, that I almost circle back to the other side of loving watching her pretend to flip through binders, or act really stressed about something that she ultimately offers no solutions to, and doesn’t have to worry about because she will not be the one fixing it. I hate-watched three seasons of The Newsroom; I will get through the launch of Beverly Beach, and I will ironically buy a tote bag. Please don’t yell at me!

Of course, I need to bathe in a sea of Lisa Vanderpump’s patented calming-puppies after any Dorit scene, but I actually think being able to let so much unabashed frustration out on Dorit while watching RHOBH is making me a much more tolerant person in real life. I only give death stares to half the German men who cut me off with their bicycles. And speaking of…

The episode opens on the cast’s final day in Berlin, so Dorit and Lisa Rinna treat themselves to a spa day where they ruin their massages by rehashing the most rehashed argument of all time, while Kyle and Teddi wait around for Erika to go the Berlin Zoo. Eventually they just go without her, but when she finally shows up, she’s in a full velour suit, so she hasn’t been getting glammed like they thought; she’s actually just sick. It’s also worth waiting on her because she has the inside panda-hookup, and they’re able to get a behind the scenes tour of cute animals.

But this Berlin trip has always been leading up to Erika wearing a latex top, and with the evening’s boat ride, the time is finally here. Once again, the women are left waiting on Erika, so we get a nice bit of time to look at their own Berlin-iest outfits. Rinna is wearing a lingerie teddy under what she admits is just a blazer, topped with a floor-length patent leather coat. Dorit is in her daytime look: thigh-high red leather boots and a black corseted dress. And truly only Kyle could find a way to fit three cut-outs into what would originally have been considered a pantsuit. There is a cutout in the back of the blazer, revealing the white shirt underneath, which…has a full cutout in the chest to show the bra underneath which…against all odds, has a cutout in the middle section. Truly, how does she do it?

But it’s all just a countdown to Erika, who shows up at the boat on her own because the others had to leave her behind again. Other than being late her entrance is flawless: As she’s about to cross the sidewalk onto the boat’s ramp, a man on a bike passes right in front of her without so much as a “entschuldigung!” She stares after him so hatefully.

Unfortunately, Erika later directs that same stare at an unsuspecting Teddi. Everyone has been having a grand old time, feeling Erika’s boobs through her latex, taking vodka shots, and hobbling through an ally to get to Berlin’s hottest new restaurant that just looks like a hip restaurant with probably, like, coriander-infused cocktails on the inside. But at the end of the meal when Dorit randomly asks, “Are we all good?” — which I generally assume means, Can we split this meal evenly between seven credit cards, but here apparently opens up the floor for freestyle grievance airing — Erika’s face goes stone cold as she says, “I have one issue.”

Teddi shivers. Erika slides her gaze to Teddi and seethes, “Pretend. Amnesia.” When Erika apologized to Teddi pre-Berlin, she told her they could have a full conversation about it later, and for some reason, she’s decided this group dinner at the end of a nice lubed-and-powdered night is it. It’s just wild. Why is Erika being so mean about it?! It’s not like Teddi has been repeatedly mean to her; she said one bad phrase when she was having a hard time! “That implies I’m a liar,” Erika says. “Don’t.” When Teddi tries to say that she only had an issue with the way Erika talked to her that night, Erika says, “I don’t care how I talked to you, you called me a liar.” I mean, cool it, lady!

Teddi does the only thing she could have done at this point, which is the verbal equivalent of curling up into fetal position. She tells Erika that when she comes at her aggressively like she’s done a few times in the past, she just doesn’t know what to do. It literally just makes her cry. Dorit backs Teddi up, telling Erika that she clearly scared her last time, while Rinna offers up some armchair psychology in her testimonial, saying that Erika must trigger something in Teddi from her childhood. Which may well be true, but I don’t think it’s Teddi‘s triggers we need to be worrying about here. Erika does at least apologize and say that she doesn’t want to be someone who eviscerates or frightens people.

And I really hope that’s true, because anger-rage-blackout Erika is not the Erika I want to see. I want to see Erika preparing to perform at a New York City club with men wearing disco balls as hats, and finally yielding to a man in a full powdered wig begging Mikey to “just do the glitter cannons this time.” Once the sweat is wiped from the ground and the glitter cannons are loaded, Erika Jayne takes the stage. (Presumably there is at least some lube involved here, as well.)

Back in Beverly Hills, Rinna consults her Rottweiler — who seems to act as a sort of Nana to that household — about the ongoing rat infestation; Kyle complains about moving from a small mansion into a larger mansion to Faye Resnick; and LVP humblebrags about the “Compassion Award” she received for her Yulin film. Most importantly: Dorit is putting the finishing touches on her upcoming fashion show.

And by finishing touches, I mean tottering around talking about how stressed she is to all the people who actually seem to be putting the fashion show together (except PK, who has apparently spent the last few weeks attempting to grow a beard). Somehow, the booty area of Dorit’s swimsuits is still riding too high, even though that’s been a cited problem for weeks. Additionally, Dorit’s hot event planner has shortened the runway by eight feet, which causes Dorit to dramatically squat down on the ground with her head between her hands.

People making monumental changes to Dorit’s business without telling her seems to be an ongoing theme, which almost makes you wonder how involved Dorit is with Beverly Beach — a name you might recall that PK came up with in a fever dream about flameless candles. Truly, I cannot wait for this Beverly Beach fashion show. Let the cheeks fly where they may.

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe
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  • 10/14/10
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