Everyone is getting edgy in Berlin -- combat boots, allergies, panty accusations, and all

April 04, 2018 at 02:11 AM EDT

After visiting what remains of the Berlin Wall in Tuesday’s international episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Erika reflects: “To stand in the presence of something like that, makes all of our differences seem very small.” That’s a common sentiment to have when one is faced with the memory of atrocities so profound and poignant.

Of course, it holds absolutely no weight here. These women will be back to aggro-gifting each others’ panties and fighting over who said what when, where, and why as soon as their never-before-worn combat boots hit the luscious leather interiors of whichever fancy bus is carting them around Germany today. It’s Lisa Rinna’s thoughtful mediation when drama begins to erupt at Erika’s dinner party that should be our guiding light here: “It’s so fun being the observer of this petty bulls–t.” If Andy Cohen knows what’s good for him he’ll copyright that flawless Housewives-thesis-statement right now and make it the network’s tagline. Bravo: Where Petty Bulls–t Is Observed.

Truly, no one has had a better RHOBH season 8 than Lisa Rinna. Babygirl is just out here chillin’ like a recently tenured professor who can finally take a load off: She’s got a basket full of testimonial props, a notebook full of one-liners, a closet full of polyester dusters, and the confidence that even if this thing falls through, she’s still got a few good years of getting those daughters in Vogue Mongolia or whatever. I want to be like Lisa Rinna — I want to not care! I want to hear Dorit talking absolute nonsense in an absolutely fake accent, and absolutely just be thankful that her utter intolerability makes everyone else seem so much more tolerable by comparison.

But I can’t. For, I am not Lisa Rinna; I cannot toss a delicate pinch of popcorn in my mouth and laugh off Dorit’s antics. I am but a mere mortal who must stress-eat 20 mini Cadbury eggs just to keep my hands off the fast forward button when she starts word-vomiting at a dinner party, or steps out the door in a set of bangs so fake, her accent wept with envy. And speaking of wigs, let’s talk about how much these ladies were feeling themselves in Berlin. Lisa Vanderpump was in a black combat boot; everyone brought a full riding outfit 6,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean for one hour of horseback riding; there was finally a chance for these L.A. gals to wear coats, and boy did they take it. Because they may make a mockery of the German language every chance they can get, but these women are loving Berlin.

I thought Tuesday’s episode would be spent rehashing the Nanny Kay drama that ended last week’s hour, but alas, LVP seems to have tucked that away in her arsenal for a later date. In fact, it ends up being Kyle who’s on the offensive throughout this episode, the first 10 minutes of which is devoted entirely to these glamorous American women making young German mens’ lives miserable. Dorit, Lisa Vanderpump, and Erika head to a mall where they’re given a personal shopper, Axel, who deserves one million Euros by the end of his morning with them. And Teddi, Lisa Rinna, and Kyle head to breakfast, where they ask their patient German waiter for a non-fat latte, a soy milk latte, and an almond milk latte, respectively.

Listen, I’ve never turned away a hot German man, but between last week’s Dorit-detesting doctor, and this week’s precious waiter who definitely came back with three full-fat, full-dairy lattes, it might just be time for this recapper to actively book a ticket to Germany and fire up the ol’ Bumble app.

Erika has been telling Teddi since before they left Beverly Hills that she was planning a horse riding excursion for them in Berlin, and finally, it’s time for Teddi to let her international horse flag fly. Upon entering the picturesque stables, there’s a wooden sign with the phrase “Home is where the horses are” written in curlz font…because you can take the Horse Girl out of the country, but you can’t take the Horse Girl out of the Horse Girl, no matter where that Pferd Mädchen (?!) may reside.

Judging by how much Erika encourages Teddi to take the lead on this adventure, and how much she affirms her afterward, my suspicion is that this was Erika’s olive branch for that time that she almost sucked Teddi’s soul out of her body and put in a seashell necklace when Teddi questioned her memory skills. As far as gestures-in-lieu-of-apologies go, I thought that was sweet. Berlin is really bringing out the old Erika who simply gives us #lewks, stays above the fray, and doesn’t unload the fury of 1,000 poltergeists on every fragile blonde woman that unknowingly hits one of her trigger phrases (“pretend amnesia” and “son,” as it were). (Recap continues on next page)

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