The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: 'Holy Schnitzel'
After visiting what remains of the Berlin Wall in Tuesday’s international episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Erika reflects: “To stand in the presence of something like that, makes all of our differences seem very small.” That’s a common sentiment to have when one is faced with the memory of atrocities so profound and poignant.
Of course, it holds absolutely no weight here. These women will be back to aggro-gifting each others’ panties and fighting over who said what when, where, and why as soon as their never-before-worn combat boots hit the luscious leather interiors of whichever fancy bus is carting them around Germany today. It’s Lisa Rinna’s thoughtful mediation when drama begins to erupt at Erika’s dinner party that should be our guiding light here: “It’s so fun being the observer of this petty bulls–t.” If Andy Cohen knows what’s good for him he’ll copyright that flawless Housewives-thesis-statement right now and make it the network’s tagline. Bravo: Where Petty Bulls–t Is Observed.
Truly, no one has had a better RHOBH season 8 than Lisa Rinna. Babygirl is just out here chillin’ like a recently tenured professor who can finally take a load off: She’s got a basket full of testimonial props, a notebook full of one-liners, a closet full of polyester dusters, and the confidence that even if this thing falls through, she’s still got a few good years of getting those daughters in Vogue Mongolia or whatever. I want to be like Lisa Rinna — I want to not care! I want to hear Dorit talking absolute nonsense in an absolutely fake accent, and absolutely just be thankful that her utter intolerability makes everyone else seem so much more tolerable by comparison.
But I can’t. For, I am not Lisa Rinna; I cannot toss a delicate pinch of popcorn in my mouth and laugh off Dorit’s antics. I am but a mere mortal who must stress-eat 20 mini Cadbury eggs just to keep my hands off the fast forward button when she starts word-vomiting at a dinner party, or steps out the door in a set of bangs so fake, her accent wept with envy. And speaking of wigs, let’s talk about how much these ladies were feeling themselves in Berlin. Lisa Vanderpump was in a black combat boot; everyone brought a full riding outfit 6,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean for one hour of horseback riding; there was finally a chance for these L.A. gals to wear coats, and boy did they take it. Because they may make a mockery of the German language every chance they can get, but these women are loving Berlin.
I thought Tuesday’s episode would be spent rehashing the Nanny Kay drama that ended last week’s hour, but alas, LVP seems to have tucked that away in her arsenal for a later date. In fact, it ends up being Kyle who’s on the offensive throughout this episode, the first 10 minutes of which is devoted entirely to these glamorous American women making young German mens’ lives miserable. Dorit, Lisa Vanderpump, and Erika head to a mall where they’re given a personal shopper, Axel, who deserves one million Euros by the end of his morning with them. And Teddi, Lisa Rinna, and Kyle head to breakfast, where they ask their patient German waiter for a non-fat latte, a soy milk latte, and an almond milk latte, respectively.
Listen, I’ve never turned away a hot German man, but between last week’s Dorit-detesting doctor, and this week’s precious waiter who definitely came back with three full-fat, full-dairy lattes, it might just be time for this recapper to actively book a ticket to Germany and fire up the ol’ Bumble app.
Erika has been telling Teddi since before they left Beverly Hills that she was planning a horse riding excursion for them in Berlin, and finally, it’s time for Teddi to let her international horse flag fly. Upon entering the picturesque stables, there’s a wooden sign with the phrase “Home is where the horses are” written in curlz font…because you can take the Horse Girl out of the country, but you can’t take the Horse Girl out of the Horse Girl, no matter where that Pferd Mädchen (?!) may reside.
Judging by how much Erika encourages Teddi to take the lead on this adventure, and how much she affirms her afterward, my suspicion is that this was Erika’s olive branch for that time that she almost sucked Teddi’s soul out of her body and put in a seashell necklace when Teddi questioned her memory skills. As far as gestures-in-lieu-of-apologies go, I thought that was sweet. Berlin is really bringing out the old Erika who simply gives us #lewks, stays above the fray, and doesn’t unload the fury of 1,000 poltergeists on every fragile blonde woman that unknowingly hits one of her trigger phrases (“pretend amnesia” and “son,” as it were). (Recap continues on next page)
But this day couldn’t be about mending fences for long, because Kyle is apparently allergic to horses, yet decided to saddle herself onto 800 pounds’ worth of said allergen. Kyle chooses a smaller horse than everyone else, which does provide for a lot of hilarious imagery, but I also have a theory that being lower just put her in more contact with more horses. LVP says she’s seen Kyle overreact to plenty of things — cue montage of Kyle overreacting to many different things — but this one seems serious. Kyle’s allergic reaction is so strong that she gets production to drive her back to the stable where she has a panic attack, and then takes a random allergy pill that completely knocks her out.
So, needless to say, when Kyle heads into Erika’s dinner party, she’s already at the end of her rope, and then some. It is truly insane the statement lips and metallic suits and hair extensions these women bust out for a private hotel dinner party where they will only see each other. Well, and of course, the teams of men that Erika has employed to bring it all together. Watching three men put Erika’s fur vest and veiled pillbox hat on for her, while three other men set out five place table settings just behind them was certainly a little much, but if someone could have pulled on my yoga pants for me this morning while someone else prepared my Fage from the industrial-sized tub, I certainly would not have said no.
Our first sign that disaster was nigh should have been Dorit walking in with slicked back hair and a dangerously smoky eye. Our second sign was when everyone sent their veal tartare back in favor of a tomato tartare, which can hardly by definition be a tartare at all. But as Rinna reasonably explains, “I won’t eat any baby of any kind. I don’t eat babies!” I wouldn’t put it past Dorit. Out of nowhere, she starts telling Kyle, who recently had a panic attack while riding a diminutive horse, that she was very hurt by her in New York.
Kyle is having none of it: “I may be high on allergy medication, but it sounds like Dorit is really looking for sh– again.” When Kyle says she didn’t bring any of the stuff about LVP up at Dorit’s magazine party, LVP suddenly jumps in to explain why Dorit would have still been hurt. Kyle says she doesn’t understand why Lisa is always trying to get her to see Dorit’s side, when she’s never tried to see Kyle’s side. When Teddi tries to suggest that this might just keep going in circles if they keep talking about each other, LVP snaps, “Teddy, stop,” finally showing her true colors to her newest recruit. Rinna says of LVP, “If you’re not on her side, she tries to shut you up — it’s gotta stop!”
Everyone but LVP seems to be in Kyle’s corner, and I must admit, even I was feeling what Kyle was putting down. For one, the alternative was being on Dorit’s side, who was talking absolute nonsense, jumping from the New York thing to trying to say that during the PantyGate fiasco, that Erika was fine with Dorit’s hilarious joke gift until she talked to Kyle and got upset. But certainly the main reason I stood with Kyle on this is because of her perfect response to Dorit’s weird panty-blaming callback. Kyle lowers her voice, folds her hands in front of her, and stares Dorit in the eye for a beat before saying, “So, it’s my fault you gave the panties and upset Erika?” Perfect.
Dorit seems to think that Kyle is jealous of her friendship with Lisa Vanderpump, but that’s because Dorit is a raging narcissist and thinks everything is about her. I believe Kyle when she says that this has nothing to do with Dorit, and everything to do with the way that Lisa never defends her. Of course, I think that sensitivity of Kyle’s might have something to do with some other fragile relationships in her life that are currently a little tenuous. But whatever, I like these two best when they’re friends, and this season is all the worse for their boring fights about who punishes who for how long, so can they just make up already?
Basically, they do exactly that while LVP is in a gorgeous fuchsia coat, and Kyle is in a questionable velvet wrap, and then head over to meet the rest of the crew for some sightseeing. They go to the Berlin Wall, and the Eisenman Holocaust Memorial, and it’s quite the afternoon of reflection for our otherwise pleasantly self-absorbed Beverly Hills Housewives. (I don’t want to talk about how, er, dry Dorit’s face seemed to remain during that sob-wracked but truly remarkable story about her Polish family, so I won’t…I’ll just passively leave it here like the one-season-Housewife I am.)
The ladies end the episode on a high note, heading to a beer hall for some desperately needed carbs and dancing. So I will leave this recap on a high note, not even mentioning how I fear for Teddi’s well-being next week should she try to take on the big dogs once more. Please sound off in the comments with whose Berlin-inspired combat boots were your favorite, and just how long you think everyone can keep their miniscule dramas in perspective after taking in the historical Berlin sights.
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