The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: 'Dames, Dogs and Danke'
The ladies of RHOBH finally head to Berlin, thank Andy Cohen on high
“‘I will never give you more than you can handle.’ – God” – Dorit
I could have watched the scene where Dorit bustles in late to a meeting with the employees who have created her entire swimwear line and tells them how insaaaanely busy she’s been, shortly before informing them she will be going on an impromptu international vacation for — I don’t know — four hours. “I don’t know how I do it!” she exclaims to the people who do it for her but must not have had any sharp objects within grabbing distance, or surely things could have gone downhill fast.
In said inspirational meeting, where Dorit informs her co-workers that they needn’t worry about the last-minute fashion show she’s forcing them to throw because she “can feel the creativity burning inside her” (ah, yes, just what you need to bring hundreds of event logistics together: burning creativity for Lycra fashions), she also assures them that “God does not give us more than we can handle.”
Now, please don’t quote me on this, but…Dorit appears to be right. Because here on season 8 of Beverly Hills, our Bravo lord and savior Andy Cohen surely has not given us more than we can handle. As of this episode’s airing, what could possibly be the potential topics of discussion written on His notorious cue cards at the season 8 reunion? How Dorit is always late? How Erika’s brain matter seeps out of her ear once a season and she unloads four decades of fury onto one semi-hapless but harmless blond woman? How Kyle and Dorit are jealous of each other because they want the love of Lisa Vanderpump, who only has enough affection in her heart for 1,100 small dogs and one dog-adjacent old man? I guess the other 50 minutes could just be…Lisa Rinna sorting through her new and improved pill bag?
But hey, I’m not here to complain about the lack of big drama in season 8, I’m here to point out the little things from which we can still squeeze out entertainment, as evidenced in Tuesday night’s episode. Like Lisa Rinna saying the most wonderfully RHOBH lead-in to a story I’ve ever heard: “I had been seeing this psychic that I really, really loved that Cindy Crawford had turned me on to.” And do you know that psychic is the reason Lisa Rinna is selling forest green dusters on QVC today? Just wonderful! Or how about Dorit just…thinking it’s okay to wear a Big & Tall man’s business shirt as a dress to her friend’s cocktail hour, which of course turned out to be that friend’s unveiling of her Kardashian game avatar?
Sure, we come to Beverly Hills for the drama only rich women can bring, but we also come to watch them be insanely rich. And have you ever felt poorer than watching Erika pick up a phone that connects solely to her Presidential Suite concierge at the Waldorf Astoria Berlin and order up a dinner party for six that she just decided to “host” the next night? Maybe the reunion should just be a three-parter about how easy everything is when you’re rich. I’d watch that!
Okay, now that we’ve brought a little positivity back into the mix, how about a dreadfully sad documentary about canine torture? Truly, the Vanderpump-Todds are having a time of it. After LVP and Ken’s pink dog, Pink Dog, died unexpectedly, their other dog, Pikachu, died…I think somewhat more expectedly, but still, in a matter of days, they’d lost two beloved pets. (For the record, Lollipop, a heretofore unseen 13-year-old dog, isn’t looking so hot either, so maybe cast some good vibes her — his? — way.)
And now, after the death of two dogs, Lisa and Todd have to screen the documentary they’ve been working on, The Road to Yulin and Beyond at the LA Awareness Film Festival. LVP can’t even talk about her dogs when Dorit calls for fear of crying while she’s getting her makeup done for the festival, so naturally Dorit continues to bring up all of LVP’s deceased dogs over and over again until she finally tires of the sound of her own voice…ha ha, j/k, that would never happen, Lisa just finally hangs up. (Recap continues on page 2)
It’s…a tough time for all parties involved: them, us, the Housewives and Househusbands who get up to some zany Sour Patch Kids hijinks in their seats before the screening, only to suddenly have heartbreaking images of dogs being mistreated thrust onto the screen in front of them. Needless to say, it’s a good time to get out of town. Wouldn’t ya know it, that business meeting Erika had planned in Berlin has been moved to L.A. — similarly, I moved from my living room to my bedroom while writing this, wearing red latex the entire time, of course — but don’t worry, the trip that is totally not contractually obligated for each of these women is still happening.
All that’s left to do is pack up three full trunks for a four-day trip, do a few insulting fake-German impressions, and watch Dorit scribble on some pictures of swimsuits while she talks about how she’s been “working through the night” in order to be able to leave for this trip. It is, hands down, one of my favorite moments of the season. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that it’s my job to watch Dorit pretend to do her job. If you thought Erika’s acting thrilled to receive one of Lisa Rinna’s dusters last week was a thespian tour de force, just wait until you see Dorit furrow her brow while drawing a halter strap onto all of the swimsuit tops that do not yet have halter straps. This is art in motion, people!
Unfortunately, all these late nights of drawing lines have taken a toll on Dorit’s health, and she’s not feeling well on the flight to Berlin. Rinna gives her a motion sickness pill from her notorious pill bag — upgraded from Ziplock to Gucci! — and gets to have a nice smug moment, though believe me, I would have been much smugger. But when everyone checks into the small mansions that they’re staying in at the Waldorf Astoria, Dorit still isn’t feeling well, so the hotel medic comes to see her, and…
Dr. Raasch might just be my new favorite Housewife: He’s casually wearing a quarter zip sweater like he just headed over from grocery shopping, he’s hot, and he is never not annoyed with Dorit. (Did anyone who watched Bachelor Winter Games notice that Dr. Raasch looked and acted exactly like an older version of Christian???) He’s so perfectly German, and when Dorit tells him that she combined two different medicines to treat her flu-like symptoms, I had to replay the exasperated look he gave her upwards of 20 times. Someone needs to be looking at Dorit like that all the time. He tells her that she basically made herself sick by taking both of those medicines together, and once they’re out of her system, she’ll feel better.
I hope someone sprains an ankle or something on this trip so there’s another reason to bring Dr. Raasch back, because, for now, it’s just Erika and Mikey acting like they want to have sex with her outfits, and LVP pulling a few tricks out of her is-it-mean-or-is-it-British bag. At dinner, when Rinna is being perfectly nice because Rinna is perfectly nice (and often hilarious) now, LVP tells her that it seems like she doesn’t “engage as much” anymore, like she’s “less invested in the group.” Rinna sees right through it and just says she’s trying to set a good example for her daughters, but in her testimonial, she helpfully elaborates for us: “I’m just not engaging in stupid f—ing bulls—!”
Luckily, LVP finds a new mouse to toy with when she mentions her beloved grandmother Nanny Kay, and Kyle responds, “Who?” and then immediately sees her life flash before her eyes — so many caftans! so many cold shoulders! — at the look LVP gives her in return. Lisa can’t understand how Kyle could know her for this long and know not know who Nanny Kay is. Kyle tries to explain that the name just didn’t register at first, and a lot of times Lisa doesn’t refer to her by name when she talks about her, but given that Erika is a few seats over spouting off Nanny Kay’s social security number and intramural cricket, LVP isn’t being so lenient with her good pal Kyle. Can’t wait to spend an hour of the reunion hashing out this Nanny Kay dramz — sound off in the comments with your favorite moments and fanny pack sightings from Tuesday’s episode!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills