Teddi, sweetie, accountability is simply not a language the Housewives speak

By Jodi Walker
March 14, 2018 at 02:42 AM EDT
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Much like the worst thing you can do in the Bachelor franchise is be There for the Wrong Reasons, the worst thing you can do in any Housewives franchise is Dish It But Not Take It.

The thing about new girl Teddi — she’s not exactly dishing it. She’s attempting to hold accountable those who do dish, which is to say: The woman has no idea what she’s doing here. It’s like Teddi has moved to another country and has yet to realize that everyone is speaking a different language than she is; it looks and sounds a lot like English, but there are also dog barks mixed in, and sometimes just the random Law & Order bong-bong sound. (Spoiler alert: Dorit is the bong-bong sound.)

I once taught English in another country where dinner was provided to the teachers by the local staff. Every night, I went to dinner and enjoyed the meal, keeping the hand that wasn’t holding my utensils laid in my lap, as would be polite in America…until I found out that in my host country, it was rude to not have both hands visible on the table. I thought I was doing a good thing, but really I was being an awkward weirdo. Teddi is attempting to be an agent of honesty and accountability in a land where the two things are about as welcome as a French kiss from PK. Teddi’s behavior isn’t bad — it’s simply alien. And whereas Lisa Vanderpump has decided to put her in a cute li’l basket like E.T., Dorit and Erika are about to go full Ellen Ripley on her ass.

Of course, if anyone had informed me of my misguided table etiquette by seething, “Don’t you ever put that hand in your lap EVER again — don’t you f— with our meal like that, you don’t want that,” I would have cried on the spot, quit my job, flown back to America and never eaten dinner again. So I have empathy for Teddi’s confusion. But how do we solve a problem like an accountability coach on a Housewives show? I really do not know…she’ll probably have a nervous breakdown during the reunion and quit. But I kind of like Teddi’s alien ways in the mix, so let’s hope she has a good therapist and some clap-back depths we’ve yet to see.

Now, if you feel like I’ve started this recap in the middle of the plot, that is because the RHOBH editors are really on one tonight, working hard for that Emmy. If you checked the timing, I would bet you Kyle’s gajillion-dollar new house that this episode was being edited during the height of Big Little Lies’ success because this bad boy’s timeline is jumping all over the damn place like someone is about to get murdered. The episode opens up so suddenly at a dinner that I had a quick panic that I had missed recapping an episode. But as scenes start getting sliced together in quick succession — smug Dorit, alarmed Teddi, Erika briefly transforming into Voldemort — I realized what was happening. They were showing us the goods before we got there in an attempt to convince us this season isn’t boring. We’ll see….

So, let’s rewind along with the episode to FIVE DAYS EARLIER when the Ghost of Teddis Past, Ms. Eileen Davidson, meets up with Erika and Lisa Rinna, looking absolutely dynamite. I’m serious — not a denim jumpsuit, TJ Maxx satchel, or lowlight in sight. Just a simple ponytail, elegant black turtleneck-dress, sleek reflective shades, and a look of horror as Erika and Rinna tell her all about how they’re getting along so well with Dorit now. Hey, the editors seem to hiss from somewhere underneath your couch: You ever heard of foreshadowing? Well get a-freakin-hold of this, numbnuts:

Eileen: You guys sound so involved!
Rinna: I know, what the hell’s gonna happen?!
Erika: The other shoe’s going to drop any minute.
Eileen: “It’s going to have to be a big, fat effin’ boot for something to happen.”

Enter: boot. Teddi and Rinna meet up for pedicures, and Rinna — who hasn’t been around much lately, but got back just in the nick of time — starts telling Teddi about how she and Dorit recently had dinner by themselves for the first time ever. Teddi immediately looks uneasy and starts asking a lot of…measured questions. Rinna asks her why she’s feeling so anxious, and Teddi tells her that after they came back from Las Vegas (damn, was that this season?!), she had dinner at Dorit’s house, and when she noted that it seemed like Rinna and Dorit had a good apology in Vegas, PK called Rinna schizophrenic, and Dorit insinuated that she didn’t really believe the apology.

So here’s the thing…this was months ago, yes, but Teddi’s main problem is that she’s trying to look out for Rinna, a woman she likes but is not particularly close to, and keep Dorit accountable for her actions, a woman she definitely doesn’t like and is not particularly close with.

Accountability checks are for family, and close friends, and recovering addicts. They’re not for acquaintances. I love my local grocery store more than many people love their childhood homes, and I light up when I see the fantastic clerks there almost daily, but if I heard one of them talking s— about the deli guy, I wouldn’t tell him because I wanted her to learn a lesson about gossiping. You get in, you get your coconut water (or paycheck signed by Andy Cohen, as it were), and you get the hell out, Teddi! Everyone cannot be a saint, and they’re definitely not paying you to make them saints — or have six-pack abs, or whatever it is that Teddi gets paid for — so stop throwing yourself on the sword for women who would happily stab you with it if you just gave them the chance. (Recap continues on page 2)

How about some retail-therapy-by-proxy to calm down? Kyle and Mauricio have been renovating the house they love so that they can love it even more, which seems to stress Kyle out to no end. Apparently, she asked Mauricio to look at a house that he has listed at The Agency just to check out the floors, and then she…fell in love with that house too. So, now they’re deciding between staying in their house that’s going through renovations, or buying a brand new house that’s already perfect the way it is. And do you know what they do? They buy that new house for $8,253,000.

I want to say it’s crazy to leave the old house that they’ve been adding on to like a damn Build-a-Bear for years because Kyle loves it so much or whatever, but oh my gosh…in a sea of McMansion monstrosities, this house is a sophisticated masterpiece. I would have left my beloved grocery store for it in a heartbeat. (I would have also had to rob my grocery store, and 80,000 other grocery stores.)

And speaking of sophisticated! Dorit has decided to stick with the awful name PK forced on her company, “Beverly Beach,” and continue to take him to her manufacturing meetings so that he can roll over her like a bulldozer in a V-neck with a blazer, the very putz-iest of bulldozer outfits. Put on a damn collared shirt, PK! Later, as Dorit explains to Erika how much she loooooves the name, the editors rudely and deliciously flash between her grimacing at it when PK presented it to her last week, and now repeating his dumb description back to Erika nearly word for word: “It is this fictional place, it’s magical, it’s special, and you can see it.”

But Dorit has bigger fish to fry than the name of her business that sounds like it should be written in neon Saved By the Bell font on the front of a Lisa Frank folder from 1992. Teddi is calling her because she wants to speak with her privately before the whole group has drinks tomorrow, so she’d like to pick her up so they can talk on the drive over. Dorit rolls her eyes at the prospect of “a conversation about a conversation about a conversation,” which is hopefully the first and last time I do and think something in perfect synchronization with Dorit, but she must have said yes, because suddenly…

We’re at the dinner that started the episode. And the editors are pulling even more tricks because now Teddi and Dorit are walking in, clearly upset with each other, and we have to hear about their car conversation as we see it in sepia-toned clips. So I’m going to quote Teddi and give you “the long and short of it” because things really escalate quickly here. In the car, Teddi told Dorit that she doesn’t like the way Dorit talks about people when they’re not there; when Rinna was talking about their friendship, Teddi was so uncomfortable that she couldn’t even look Rinna in the eye, she just had to tell her about what Dorit has said about her…at a dinner from three months ago.

Teddi does this in the car because she “wanted to protect Lisa by not talking about it in front of everyone else,” so she’s quite frustrated when Dorit immediately brings it up at dinner. Dorit is frustrated with Teddi because “for whatever reason, you think your hands are clean, but you’re not quite realizing that you’re starting fires.” For the record, Rinna doesn’t seem to care at all that Dorit talked s— about her three months ago. This is all very clearly still about the drama with Lisa Vanderpump, who has perfectly stoked this fire by ousting Dorit from prime pet position now that Teddi (“a newer, younger version,” per Rinna, that little minx) has come along.

Dorit says that no one had a bad interpretation of what she said about Vanderpump at that dinner in New York except Teddi. Teddi says she never said Dorit was bashing Vanderpump, but that even Erika agreed that what Dorit said would have hurt her feelings…didn’t she? “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,” says Erika.

And now is the time to buckle up, keep all legs and arms inside the vehicle, and wrap your body in a full cocoon. We get a flashback of that drunken night in New York where Erika offhandedly told Teddi, sure, she’d be pissed if she were LVP. In the present, Teddi says to Erika across the table, “You pretending that it’s full amnesia right now is confusing to me.” Erika’s eyes glaze over and icy smoke comes out of her ears as she speaks these words in, no exaggeration, three seconds flat: “No, excuse me, don’t ever say I’m pretending, because I’m not pretending. I’m telling you the truth, I don’t remember saying that. Don’t ever say that to me again, don’t f— with me like that — you don’t want that. Don’t ever, EVER do that to me.”

I swear to you, my throat closed up. I think I saw Teddi pee a little. It was…frightening. And I’m sure we’ll see it in flashback upwards of 1,000 times over the weeks to come, and the same goes for Teddi’s tearful convo with LVP after she evacuated, so I’ll save those assessments for next week. Do tell what you thought of Erika’s startling response — and assurance that she would not be apologizing — in the comments. I promise not to hold you accountable for anything you say!

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Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe
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