Dorit gets a taste of her own medicine...and it taste like champagne out of a plastic cup

By Jodi Walker
March 07, 2018 at 01:34 AM EST
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I hope you’ve polished up your Cartier diamond shovels — because it’s Dig season on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And in honor of the seasonal shift from Fuss (known for its friendship droughts and sudden shifts in drunkenness) to Dig (marked by sudden swings of passive aggressiveness and record highs of she-can-give-it-but-she-can’t-take-it), let’s raise a glass, using the wise words of the ever lovely Camille Grammer: “Here’s to tingling vaginas — and a cure for cancer!”

As Camille knows, keeping your priorities in order is important, so that’s why everyone is focusing on their friendships tonight. Dorit is looking to restore the strength of her relationship with Lisa Vanderpump, and Lisa Vanderpump is looking to weave a complicated hierarchy of friendships, old and new, to reassert her dominant position as a Lady Who Lunches and Also Masterfully Puppeteers Her Friends. It’s Beverly Hills at its finest — at any moment during LVP’s birthday lunch, you could cut the tension with her new $75,000 diamond earrings.

But before we can get to Queen-Bee-ing as an art form, the other women have to putter about doing other incredibly Beverly Hills-ish things. Camille and Lisa Rinna have to try on lingerie and show off their absolutely insane bodies. Like…seriously how do they look like that? It’s wild to hear Camille say she doesn’t feel secure about her body, but not when you think about all she’s been through over the last few years with Stage 2 Endometrial Cancer, which is thankfully in remission. I’m glad that Camille has gotten to a place where she can try on teddies in front of a remarkable amount of store windows, not sweat the small (strap-on) stuff, and always seem like she’s smoked a liiiiittle bit of weed. Oh, and for her part, Camille’s glad that she has “a rejuvenated hymen, basically.”

Kyle and Erika go to lunch to eat Branzino — have you noticed how much Branzino these women eat at restaurants??? — and talk about the fight that happened between LVP and Dorit and Kyle, that transitioned into a fight between Kyle and Dorit, that transitioned into a fight between Kyle and Lisa, that finally settled down into a kerfuffle between Lisa and Dorit. Of course, we’d never forget about it because Dorit can’t stop harping on it. LVP would love to let it settle in as just a moving piece on the pink rhinestone chessboard she keeps in her mind, but Dorit wants to talk and talk about it until Lisa reassures her that they’re friends again.

But I guess Dorit does need something to keep her busy, because sitting in her office and shuffling around binders that say “DORIT” in Curlz font on the cover without ever actually looking at anything inside them just isn’t cutting it. It seems that while Dorit was in New York, PK didn’t just keep things running for her on her swimwear line; he went to all of her meetings and made a bunch of changes without telling her. I find myself at a real crossroads here for wanting to mock Dorit for calling a handful of monokinis “my creation, my soul,” but also…PK can’t just change everything about her business! Especially if he’s going to change the name from the already bad “Navaa” to the worse “Beverly Beach.” Something about that name has a very…Jordache of yore feel to me, but PK describes it as “an imaginary place where you can go have a candlelit dinner without the candles.” Sure, okay.

So who can blame Dorit for wanting to get away from the stress of empty binders and even emptier candlesticks? Camille is having a charity event for the Foundation for Women’s Cancer, so all the ladies go to support her. Headed toward the event to raise money for curing cancer, Dorit says, “The only thing I care about is repairing my relationship with Lisa Vanderpump,” which puts the final nail in the coffin of me caring at all that her fake swimsuit business just got hijacked by her fake music manager husband. Dorit’s method for wooing LVP back into her firm bosom is less “kill ’em with kindness” and more “smother ’em with saccharine.” (Recap continues on page 2)

As soon as Dorit arrives, she starts cooing at Lisa in a baby voice and repeatedly telling her she loves her. Has she…met Lisa? She’s not really a words-of-affirmation kind of gal — give or take. Lisa Vanderpump’s love languages are dogs, diamonds, and when her restaurant employees refrain from going to third base in the walk-in freezer over on Vanderpump Rules. When Erika suggested they get Lisa a flamingo on a diamond-studded leash for her birthday, I thought that was an incredible idea; when Lisa needed to leave early to start her birthday celebrations with Ken, and Dorit chased after her so she could mount her on a couch and not let her leave until Lisa listened to her, I thought, Dorit, are you high on Beverly Beach bath salts right now?

I mean, in general, when someone tells you to get off of them, you should; when that person is edging up on 60 years old, you definitely should get off of them when they say so. And it’s not even like Dorit was trapping Lisa there so she could apologize to her. She just wants Lisa’s assurance that she’s forgiven. She’s also spent the entire evening deciding that all of this is Teddi’s fault because she has no idea what Teddi said about what she said at that dinner that feels like it was 100 years ago. But Lisa nips that right in the bud, saying she hasn’t heard anything from Teddi; she was upset with Dorit about what Dorit told her she said herself. Lisa tells Dorit that calling her a needy friend “wasn’t exactly a f—ing compliment.” In a moment of weakness, Dorit de-straddles, and LVP literally makes a break for it, with Dorit hot on her heels, yelling how much she loves her.

I really don’t think Lisa had made up her mind quite how annoyed she was going to be with Dorit until Dorit cranked the annoying meter up to peak-Dorit (I tried to think of a different, more annoying character to make the peak of this hypothetical meter, but I came up short). But once the mounting was complete, Lisa entered the full punishment zone that Kyle’s been warning of — or wishing for, hard to tell — and you know what that means: It’s diggin’ time. It seems like ages ago that LVP and Dorit were teaming up to take little digs at Lisa Rinna every chance they could get. But given that Lisa Rinna is basically only in this cast via FaceTime anymore (and this week, I think it was a SnapChat video for goodness’ sake), and also that she just laughed along with them, those days are over.

That is…not how Dorit handles it. Now, I can understand that if you came to a party looking to sip champagne and mount a few of your friends, everybody coming at you sideways with passive aggressive jabs and BDSM gag gifts all day could get a little annoying. But given Dorit’s behavior for the last — oh, I don’t know — forever, you’d think she could understand where this is coming from. Teddi arrives at LVP’s birthday lunch right on time of course, and LVP immediately tells her that she’s going to serve Dorit champagne in a green tumbler when she asks for a drink. Indeed, she does that, and they just dissolve into giggles. This is what passes for shade in Beverly Hills, and I would like to just say that a physical fight nearly broke out on RHOA over insulting a doormat and someone snatching a folding fan. Housewives — what a franchise!

Lisa has been developing a friendship with Teddi, and she’s certainly thrilled with the fuzzy pink bareback non-saddle Teddi gives her for her birthday. But when one has spent this many seasons with Lisa Vanderpump, one does not simply assume it’s a conincidence that Dorit recently made her distaste for Teddi known, and suddenly, LVP is taking Teddi under her wing: sitting closest to her at the lunch table, teasing about being her best friend, calling her Teddi Bear. That, in addition to Camille gifting Dorit with a pink ball gag in return for Dorit drunkenly slurring that she was going to start a strap-on line named Camille a while back, and Dorit is positively simmering with tension at the lunch table. She tells Lisa she shan’t be going to the after party at Pump and leaves the party in a fluster, with PK trailing behind.

In her testimonial, Lisa is uncharacteristically transparent: “Well, yes Dorit, I’m going to have a dig at you. I’ll say it with humor, I’ll couple it with jest — but I’m sending the message that this relationship has taken on a slightly different meaning.” It’s a little bit poetic, a little bit evil, and a little bit perfect. As a postscript to that message, the final scene of the episode is of Lisa Vanderpump reshooting the photos for her jewelry line that Dorit originally modeled for. Dorit didn’t like the photos, and Beverly Hills Lifestyle doesn’t want that kind of negative energy in its pages, so of course, they’ll scrap Dorit’s spread and reshoot. Lisa Vanderpump, man — the woman is a master in her craft.

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