The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: 'Thank You, Thuck You'
We’ve reached the point in a Housewives argument where I truly can’t recall why anyone is mad at each other anymore. Kyle, Lisa Vanderpump, and Dorit spend the entire episode being annoyed with one another over the fight they got in last week because they were annoyed with each other over the fight they had gotten into the week before. And Erika, Lisa Rinna, Teddi, and Camille just have to spend a bunch of Mercedes bus rides around New York City silently looking glamorous in sunglasses the size of dinner plates and the cost of a new Toyota Camry as a result.
Could they be arguing about who gets to choose the next cold-weather group trip destination so that these L.A. women have any reason to wear the faux fur coats designed by Kyle’s Tiny Tot Godson by Alene Too? Sure, that could be it. Or perhaps they’re arguing over whose stress is most stressful: voluntarily redoing all the floors in your mansion, versus launching a swimwear line on which absolutely nothing rides, versus managing a menagerie of miniature animals at home and full-grown animals at work? Yeah, that sounds like it could be right. Or maybe there was a situation where one woman didn’t tell another woman that she had Visible Panty Line in the jumpsuit she wore to a gala thrown in honor of her being on the cover of Grown-Up Horse Women of the Hamptons Magazine…
That last hypothetical will certainly come up one day, but no, that’s not it either. To the best of my recollection — and after last week’s sprawling New York City argument, I do feel like I was drunk by proxy — the fallout covered in Tuesday’s episode revolves around Dorit saying that Lisa Vanderpump was needy and insecure to all of the other women; Kyle confronting Dorit about it last week, on a night that was supposed to be celebrating Dorit; and LVP not backing Kyle up, then offering to ride home with Dorit when Kyle thought she should have been mad at her.
Basically, Kyle thinks Lisa holds her to a different standard than Dorit; Lisa thinks Dorit has spoken poorly about her and feels bad about the Kyle situation but doesn’t quite understand what she’s supposed to be feeling bad about; and Dorit feels like she’s done nothing wrong, because if Dorit wore a Playboy bunny suit to a baptism, then used the holy water to mix herself a cocktail while screaming at Camille across the pew that she should start an artisanal dildo line…she’d still feel like she’d done nothing wrong. And all of these feelings are being felt on the day that everyone is supposed to be going to a party at Kyle’s New York City store: Manhattan by Kyle by Alene Too Part Two of Four Faux Fur.
But first, all the ladies pile tensely into their transport bus, freshly smarting from the blow-up the night before, to head to Camille’s daughter’s first NYFW runway show. Mason is lovely, and she does a wonderful job walking for Malan Breton, but with the addition of another model daughter to the RHOBH wunderkind collection, I couldn’t help but think: Can you imagine being an aspiring model these days and knowing that you don’t have a reality TV mom? At this point, I just assume every model I see walking the runway is one degree separated from either Andy Cohen, Tyra Banks, or a Baldwin.
Speaking of wunderkinds, I knew I recognized Kyle’s designer godson, Matt Sarafa, and it was from season 1 of Project Runway: Junior! Given that he’s not my godson, just an impressive teenager I watched hang out with Tim Gunn for a while, I feel inordinately proud that he’s launched a line vibrant faux fur coats. Along with those, Kyle is debuting those Shahida Parides kaftans she loves at her New York store, which Erika keeps complimenting by calling “really beautiful s—” for some reason. But before anyone can make it to the party, important things must be accomplished: Kyle must stuff her 12 pounds of hair into a wig so she can try out having a shorter ‘do (I liked it!), and Dorit must go straighten things out with Lisa Vanderpump. (Recap continues on page 2)
Dorit’s first explanation for the hurtful things she said about Lisa is, “Things come out of my mouth!” Indeed they do, Dorit, indeed they do. Lisa says it was disrespectful for Dorit to have told the other women that Lisa told her she didn’t get much attention as a child, which isn’t technically what she even told her, and that just because Kyle might have shared Dorit’s opinion on Lisa being needy, that doesn’t make it okay for either one of them. Lisa does seem genuinely hurt, and like she just wants to forgive everyone and have this be over, but she chooses to express that with this doozy of a statement: “I love you, mainly on the strength of loving your husband, and wanting to love you and make it right.”
Dorit reasonably (never two words I’ve put together before) doesn’t love that, but LVP further explains that she thought they’d grown a genuine friendship outside of PK; Dorit agrees that they have, and though her version of an apology is saying she would never purposefully do anything to hurt Lisa, they leave the hotel room with their friendship straightened out…
And are 45 minutes late for Kyle’s Party by Alene Too as a result, which gives Bethenny Frankel plenty of time to swoop in and establish her hometown advantage. Look, I like Bethenny (in that “healthy dose of fear” way that you can like a New York Housewife), but dropping New York’s energy into Beverly Hills is a lot. Can you imagine Ramona Singer and Erika Jayne having a conversation? Nightmare. So, since Kyle and Bethenny have been friends for 25 years, Bethenny does a bit of sticking up for her friend once Lisa Vanderpump makes her way over, saying that she heard Kyle got caught in the crossfire trying to stick up for Lisa. Since they haven’t spoken since the night before, Lisa thanks Kyle for sticking up for her, but Bethenny says it’s a “thuck you”: a “thank you” meets a “f— you,” which is kind of how I permanently feel toward this franchise. So thuck you for the new phrase, Bethenny!
There’s no way LVP is going to go into this on Kyle’s big night, so she leaves it at that and buys a fabulously extra red fur coat to support her. Dorit and Kyle have a quick conversation where they agree that the argument was a waste because they could have been having fun together, and they just want to move on because they care about one another.
Thankfully, that also includes moving on back to Beverly Hills. These women just can’t handle New York. They’re meant to wear Heidi braids (Teddi) and give their guests tea and strawberries in their gardens (LVP). Teddi, who has become quite the confidante for Kyle while she’s been in short supply of best friends, tells Lisa that she thinks Kyle’s feelings have been hurt by LVP not speaking up when Kyle was trying to defend her, and maybe she just needs to hear an official “I’m sorry” from Lisa. Lisa looks like she would rather eat glass and take Giggy in public without a blouse on, but by golly, she does it!
Kyle meets Lisa at Villa Blanca for dinner, where Kyle is toting another new Chanel handbag, and they both stare at each other with their gorgeous, professionally pulled eyes until one of them cracks. Lisa tells Kyle that she was uncomfortable going in on Dorit because “there’s so much at stake with my relationship with PK,” and Kyle finally expresses herself in a way that doesn’t just make it sound like wants Lisa to be mad at Dorit. “Let me ask you a question,” Kyle says: “Do you feel like anything’s at stake with us?” Lisa blinks. She blinks again. And she says of course — she holds Kyle to a different standard because they’re different friends. They’re better friends. Lisa tells Kyle very seriously that she wants to apologize for not backing her up during the argument with Dorit: “I made a mistake, there’s no buts, ifs, ands, or howevers. I am sorry that I neglected you; I didn’t realize you were that upset.”
Now, please let this be done. I think Kyle maybe should have apologized for drunkenly bringing up her beef with Dorit at an inappropriate time, but this isn’t The Real Apologies of Beverly Hills, so I’ll take what I can get. Coincidentally, that is also the bar for friendship around these parts. See you next week for the three truest hallmarks of Beverly Hills: diamonds, dinner storm-outs, and vaginal rejuvenation.