Some Housewives just can't handle the New York City streets
Credit: Bravo

On any given night in New York City, from midnight to the early a.m. hours, you can walk onto the street to find a group of friends quite literally falling to pieces. They might be tourists, they might be locals, they might be celebrating something, they might have intended to have a low-key night — they are always hammered. To the human eye, they appear only in flashes of fur and sequins, but you’ll know them by their signature screeches: “Leave me alone!” “You’re unloyal!” “You’re such a f—ing liar, Camille!” They tumble down the sidewalk like a giant amoeba, taking on the foundation of New York City’s sidewalks — loose change and dog urine…and, okay, human urine — until they finally tuck themselves into a cab, and you don’t have to worry about them anymore.

But deep down, you know they’re still out there, screaming. If you happened to stumble onto the right street during last year’s New York City Fashion Week, the cast of RHOBH would have been that (middle-aged) group of girlfriends you have to weirdly slow your walking pace in order to avoid. I’m with Lisa Rinna on this one: “I thought the plan was for us to party tonight, and maybe get a little buzz on!” So, in a situation where pretty much everyone involved ended up being a loser, let’s give it up for the night’s winner…

BELLA Magazine! Wouldn’t you know it — sporting the full Housewives franchise roster gets you a lot of reality TV screen time. I now know that the editor-in-chief of BELLA Magazine spells her name “Courtenay.” I know that she retires early from parties to put her three children to bed. I know that BELLA Magazine has a NYFW issue and considers Dorit Kemsley to “embody what the magazine represents.” Do I have any idea what that embodiment is, or what BELLA Magazine is a magazine for? Absolutely not. But I know it exists, and in the Real Housewives world, that’s better than gold. On The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, print media is alive and well, baby!

After spending the latter half of last week’s episode recapping everything that had happened in the episode before, we now spend the first half of Tuesday night’s episode recapping last week’s recap. As you can imagine…there’s not a ton of fresh information to relay to you here. Since Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle missed the group dinner the night before, they go out with some of their co-workers to catch up. Teddi and Camille tell Kyle how Dorit spent the whole dinner talking, specifically rehashing the beach house drama about Erika’s sleepaway period, and about the dinner meltdown between herself, Kyle, and LVP. Teddi tells Kyle, “She essentially alluded that Lisa gets jealous of Dorit and your friendship.” Kyle thinks Lisa would be very hurt to know that, and Teddi says hopefully Dorit will ‘fess up to Lisa before it gets back to her that she was running her mouth behind Lisa’s back. Meanwhile…

Dorit and Lisa Vanderpump walk through Central Park in the rain like a couple of dummies (who are going to get bumped to “Friend of the Housewives” status if they don’t film this damn Central Park scene). To Dorit’s credit, she really tries to tell LVP that she was gossiping about her to all of her closest acquaintances the night before; to Dorit’s eternal damnation, she is absolutely incapable of taking full accountability or blame for anything. So, instead of telling Lisa that she told everyone that Lisa is insecure and jealous of Dorit’s friendship with Kyle, she kind of just…talks forever and ever until Lisa eventually gains the knowledge through osmosis that Dorit said some regrettable things about her the night before.

At the end of it all, Dorit says in her testimonial, “I feel really happy that I was able to tell Lisa the things that happened when she wasn’t there,” which is so far off base, it’s almost adorable, like when a toddler thinks they’ve made a real cake out of Play-Doh. Of course, I assume that Dorit was created from plastic like a new-age Pinocchio and brought to life by Mario Badescu facial products, a contouring palette, and Andy Cohen wearing a pair of Geppetto spectacles…so I can’t actually imagine that Dorit was ever a toddler, but the analogy stands.

Luckily, Kyle is here to force-feed everyone Dorit’s Play-Doh cake and make everyone see that it tastes terrible, and everything is the worst, and no one can have a good time, ever. The deterioration of the RHOBH crew’s evening was tough to watch because it involved two very human accelerants: insecurity and margaritas. At first everything was bumping along fine. The lightest moment of the episode is surely seeing how nervous Erika is when going Simon & Schuster with her co-author Brian for a meeting about their book. The most endearing thing about Erika, especially when you remember that she’s filthy rich, is her ability to humble herself. Even just that she’s being open about having a co-author is a very judicious move for the Housewives world. Hold on to that — savor it… (Recap continues on page 2)

Because Kyle is about to go full girl-on-the-street meltdown mode. While getting their makeup done, Kyle reports back to Lisa Vanderpump what she heard Dorit said at the dinner the night before: “That you’re insecure, that you’re needy, that you need a lot of work-type thing.” Lisa doesn’t love that, which is pretty understandable, if for no other reason than Dorit calling anyone insecure and thirsty for attention is…pretty rich. Dorit does do a good job of playing coy all night though, just not being able to believe that this whole BELLA Magazine party is for little ol’ her. Her magazine photos look great, and I actually really liked her double-breasted old-fashioned tuxedo look at the party.

Everyone has a grand old time, getting dressed up and going out to a swanky party in New York. But these are the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills — as they step out of BELLA’s warm bosom and onto the cold, hard streets, the degeneration begins. As Erika puts it when they dash through the rain to their car: “Sugar melts, motherf—er!”

Clearly already intoxicated, the ladies sit down at another lounge and agree that tonight is a night when they should get drunk(er). Then this happens:

Kyle: I’m here to have fun!

Me: Yes, go Kyle!

Kyle: But…

Me: No, Kyle, you’re here to have fun!

Kyle: I will say one thing…

Me: No, Kyle, stand down!

Kyle: I have to get something off my chest.

Dorit: Well, so much for the fun night!

I hate to say it, but in this one tiny remark, Dorit is correct. Kyle’s feelings aren’t wrong, but they seem wrong because she brought them up at the wrong time. Not only is she one too many cocktails in to explain herself well, or filter through her already — let’s face it — plentiful emotions, but it’s Dorit’s celebratory night. Don’t tell someone how annoying they are on a night you’re supposed to be celebrating them. Tell someone how annoying they are when they’re being annoying. Kyle, this is Dorit we’re talking about here; there are so many opportunities.

Alas, Kyle feels the need to get it off her chest that she thinks, between the beach house incident and the things she’s said about Lisa, that Dorit has been singling her out and is purposefully being hurtful to the two people she’s closest to in the group. Things rapidly turn into a mayhem that is so noisy and constant, I truly cannot explain it to you. My favorite moments were definitely Rinna and Erika being bored of it all and reapplying their lipstick, and Rinna complaining that they were missing out on all the fun of her being drunk.

But before all that, Lisa Vanderpump stared silently on while Kyle started her list of complaints. And listen, I am a slightly manipulative, highly non-confrontational, no-nonsense type, just like my girl LVP, so I didn’t think anything of her sitting there quietly while Kyle fussed at the woman of honor. Lisa wouldn’t have confronted Dorit like that, so she didn’t want to be forced to do so just because Kyle was. BUT. But! I can understand why that would feel to Kyle like Lisa didn’t have her back when she was trying to stand up for both of them. And then that turned into Kyle feeling like Lisa is much harder on her than she is on Dorit.

Which is…also true. Kyle is like Lisa’s little sister and she expects more out of her because, presumably, she gives more to her. But we know what Kyle’s sisterly relationships are like, so maybe Lisa could just commit to going a little easier on her in the future so Kyle can get over this. PLEASE.

For tonight, Lisa gets fed up with Kyle raging at her, and when the fight spills from the bar to the cab to the hotel lobby, Lisa finally gives up on talking about it and heads to her room. Kyle weeps. I predict that the only solution for this is two Advil before bed, a Pedialyte popsicle in the morning, sunglasses on the way to brunch, and talking about in the sober light of day. Perhaps they should wait until they’re back in Beverly Hills though — these girls just can’t handle New York.