Not even these Housewives understand what they're arguing about

By Caitlin Brody
January 03, 2017 at 10:00 PM EST
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In what must be one of the oddest Housewives episode titles yet, “Amnesia Appetizers” is chock-full of Dorit-isms that make her out to become this season’s most despised player. Plus, some side characters — including a throwback — come into play to try to shake up the franchise.

The episode starts out in Erika’s Manhattan apartment-sized closet, where she recounts #pantygate to Mikey, who reaffirms what we’ve all been thinking: If PK was a gentleman, why wouldn’t he have said something to someone? Tom, Erika says, definitely would have said something. But Erika’s already come to her conclusion: Dorit is officially mean, judgmental, and a total sucker of all things fun.

Dorit — who, can we all agree looks very Cher-esque in her confessionals? — hosts a lunch because she comes from a long line of women who like to entertain. Okayyy. Her hosting rules: Fresh flowers; no borings. According to Dorit, publicist Elliot Mintz is one of the non-borings. He speaks in haikus.

Over lunch, Rinna brings up the fact that Eileen’s mother passed away during last season’s reunion, but she didn’t want anyone to know about it. And maybe all of that personal devastation affected her behavior toward LVP. But PK doesn’t think that people should grieve however they see fit — Eileen should have told everyone. “That’s not fair to other people,” he says, and Dorit is in full agreement with him. Erm, tone deaf much? Rinna obviously tells Eileen about PK and Dorit’s musings, and Eileen decides to confront Dorit during their upcoming beach walk.

We get a drama-rama break with a lil’ ol’ trip for Kyle and LVP to the plastic surgeon. En route, LVP says that if she had to “bonk” anyone in the group’s husband, it would be Erika’s husband, Tom. (I know who mine would be…*cough* Mauricio *cough*) Kyle says she wouldn’t “bonk” anyone else’s husband because why would she ever downgrade? Good question, Kyle. However, there’s been some minor trouble in Kyle and Silver Fox Mauricio’s paradise. He works all…the…time and Kyle never sees him anymore. But it’ll pass. I believe in those two.

Both Kyle and LVP get some minor face and neck stuff — Kyle’s procedure causes smoke to come off of her face and LVP’s neck treatment looks oddly soothing — and the two dabble in female rejuvenation tawk.

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Dorit and Eileen meet for their walk, but it’s too windy and dresses are blowing everywhere, so they just sit. Eileen brings up the fact that Dorit and PK were talking about how she handled her mother’s death, but Dorit flat-out lies and says that Eileen’s name wasn’t even mentioned at lunch. Or if it was, she has literally no recollection. Backpedaler. The two continue to talk and talk and talk in circles until my head feels like it’s going to explode and neither Dorit, Eileen, or I have any idea what they’re even talking about anymore. (Did you guys feel that way, too?)

Meanwhile, the Bravo producers seem to be testing out a potential new housewife… or maybe just a Faye Resnick replacement. Eden Sassoon is Rinna’s Pilates instructor whose father was a famous hairstylist. (She also happens to look a lot like Dorit.) Rinna, Erika, and Eden have a lunch that is NOT FORCED UPON AT ALL, and we learn all about Eden’s backstory. I guess producers thought last season was such a dud that we needed more than just one new player for some renewed energy.

Speaking of renewed energy, here comes Camille Grammer, who’s also oddly thrown into this episode for reasons that still seem, well, unnecessary. Camille, Erika, Dorit, and Eileen have lunch at Camille’s new downsized enormous mansion. The girls talk about Erika Jayne, and Dorit throws major shade, calling Erika’s music career a “hobby.” She’d know all about musical integrity because she deals with Boy George on a regular basis. (Did you guys know that?!)

Dorit, continuing on her quest to become the season’s worst wife, brings up the conversation that she and Eileen had about the conversation that Eileen and Rinna had about the conversation that Dorit, PK, and Rinna had about Eileen and Rinna vs. LVP. (Ladies, please get it together.) Erika calls Dorit out for butting in when she wasn’t even around for any of this, anyway.

And there we end our evening — my head is spinning.

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