Erika and Dorit fight on a boat in Hong Kong about pantygate; Erika defends her son.

Credit: Bravo

Phew, I am utterly drained after tonight’s episode. There were so many fights and tears and makeup touch-ups, I hardly know what to do with myself, so let’s start the only place we can — at the beginning. We’re back on the junk boat in Hong Kong, and Eden is still in that damn Mia Wallace-esque wig. The rage between Erika and Dorit is revving up to table-flipping status. Dorit tells Erika that she’s not interesting, fun, or nice, which is the perfect compliment to give someone you’re trying to befriend.

“Do you really think I’m going to like you after everything that happened with the underwear?” Erika asks. Here we go — in case anyone had any doubts, #pantygate is the new Munchausen. Erika asks Dorit if she thought she flashed her vagina on purpose all those months ago, and naturally, Rinna pops in to say that yes, Dorit did think that. Oh, Rinna — you’re annoying as hell, but when you’re sticking up for the right person (that would be Erika), you just might be okay. Erika says that Dorit’s accusations hurt her feelings, and Dorit claims that Erika doesn’t have any feelings. After tonight’s episode, boy is Dorit wrong! Rinna claims that the whole reason Erika and Dorit can’t stand each other is because Dorit knows good ol’ PK was looking up Erika’s dress on purpose. Dorit is all, Of course he was — it’s what any man with a beating heart would do. Once again, PK comes out as the reigning King of Creepdom. Meanwhile, Eden lies on her pilates-toned abs with her head in her hands, feet in the air, watching this whole thing play out. She might as well have a bowl of popcorn, too.

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The fighting and yelling continues, and more and more women get involved. Eileen says that she could tell Erika’s feelings were hurt and LVP tries to defend Dorit, but her attempts go nowhere. She’s chewed out by the other women. The days of Queen Lisa may be dwindling (but fear not — she still holds all the rosé power on Vanderpump Rules). Erika starts crying, and we all learn a thing or two out of Kyle’s makeup-and-tears handbook. The rules are simple: Pat your tears away, never wipe, and always have the corner of an animal-print caftan handy in lieu of a tissue. Now guys, I’m not sure if we’ve ever seen Erika cry before, but we get enough Erika Jayne tears in this episode to last a lifetime. In her first cry go-around, she’s statuesque, poised, and perfect. Basically, the opposite of this. (The same can’t be said by the end of the episode.)

The next day, Dorit calls Peeping PK (that nickname works, yeah?) to rehash last night’s drama. For a couple that is so delusional and grotesque, I’ve never seen two people so on the same page as these two. They’re literally on different continents and still seem to be completely in each other’s ear about everything. It’s commendable, really.

Next we get some filler, which includes Buddha, a gondola lift with a glass bottom that is pretty terrifying, and Dorit’s Danny Zuko-esque outfit (only it’s sheer instead of leather). Just a little palate cleanser until we get to dinner. Ohhhhh, dinner. Never have I seen so many high ponytails at one table. There’s about a millisecond of awkward silence, which Rinna of course takes as the time to reignite last night’s fire by asking if Dorit has apologized to Erika yet. LVP tries to be a mediator and diminish the whole big fuss of it, but again, she’s completely iced out. Not a good week for the Vanderpump, I gotta say. Erika confirms that Dorit never apologized, that she should shut her mouth (preach), and Dorit responds by pulling the “I don’t remember saying that” card. Dorit, you’re smarter than that. That’s a Lisa Rinna special that not even Lisa Rinna can pull off.

Rinna, who’s clearly pissed that Dorit tried to cop her signature move, brings out the big guns and asks if Dorit trusts Peeping PK. Because, after all, that’s what this whole thing is really about, isn’t it? Well, that just sets everything off, and everyone starts screaming at each other, especially Kyle, who yells that Rinna shouldn’t have said that considering how pissed she was when Kim spoke about Harry Hamlin. But Rinna, being Rinna, keeps pressing, and we finally get the truth. #Pantygate was so devastating to Erika because in her mind, Dorit took the incident and warped it into an opportunity to make Erika out to look like a slut, and that if there’s anyone that needs to be apologized to, it’s Tom. There are repercussions for Dorit shaping this festering rumor — words are never just words.

Dorit decides to, um, actually think about what she said, and is like, Oh nowwwww I feel bad. Erika tells Dorit that she and Tom both deserve an apology from Peeping PK, but Dorit says that she could never ask him to do that. It’s really odd… is she scared to cross him? Of course you’d ask your husband to apologize for being a pig!

If you weren’t already emotionally exhausted, the best is yet to come. Dorit finally apologizes, but Erika isn’t buying it. Eileen then decides to get involved — always a great idea — and flippantly says to Erika, “It’s not like Dorit killed your kid or anything.” I’m sorry, what?! Who would ever say that? I’ll give you my HBO Go login if you could ever find a time or place when that statement would ever ever ever be appropriate. All of the women are horrified by Eileen’s statement, and Erika flips the f out. As she should! “Don’t ever bring up killing my child again, because my child could get killed,” she says about her son Tommy, who’s a police officer. “Your kid doesn’t put on a uniform every night and put his life on the line,” she says through tears (and not the pretty kind). The hour takes a really dark turn. Erika is dealing with something very difficult that she’s been suppressing, at least among the women. She has an absolute breakdown, leading me to wonder if she’s ever spoken about these feelings before, period. It’s an incredibly emotional moment and has so much more weight given the fact that Erika never ever lets her guard down or talks about anything personal. You see the deep-seated fear she faces constantly, and she just unravels. All I want is to wrap her… in a hug. (Sorry, I couldn’t help it.)

Through tears of her own, Eileen says that she’d like to take a moment to honor Erika’s son. The statement falls somewhere on the cusp of awkward and absurd, and Erika shuts her down immediately. Rinna takes those .2 seconds of silence to ask if Dorit and all of her friends went to do cocaine at a dinner party Dorit hosted months ago. Because that falls perfectly in line with the conversation currently happening.

What did you guys think of tonight’s whirlwind of an episode?

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