Carnie Wilson teaches the 'wives that things will go their way... but it'll take a while to get there
Credit: Bravo

I’m feeling all the feels after tonight’s episode — but mostly I’m just emotionally exhausted and in need of a glass of Carnie Wilson dessert wine. The episode, aptly named “Cake Therapy,” starts with Kyle doing some much needed cleaning before hosting her former Apprentice costar Boy George Carnie Wilson for a dessert tasting with the ladies. Yes, that includes Rinna, Eden, and Kim. As Kyle says, “If everyone’s in the same room, no one can lie” — said no one ever, except apparently Kyle. I read your comments and know that you, too, are sick and tired of being sick and tired of RHOBH, but we finally learned something new tonight… wait for it… Kyle is a hoarder! She has kept boxes of other people’s photos and endless VHS tapes of cartoons for decades. I’m sure there are some treasures buried in her trash, but that’s some investigative journalism for another day.

Cut to Eileen and Erika, who run lines for Erika’s upcoming role in The Young and the Restless. I barely recognize Eileen anymore, it’s been so long since we’ve seen her. Vince watches them and suggests that Erika should be more confident in her acting. We’ve got some real thespians over here.

In the moment we’ve all been waiting for (have we been waiting a month by now?), Rinna finally owns up to saying terrible things about Kim. In her confessional, she maintains that she doesn’t remember saying any of those terrible things about Kim to Eden, but she also doesn’t think Eden would lie. So for anyone who doubts Rinna’s level of bats—, she’s spelling it out crystal clear for you here. To be honest, Rinna would probably fit in to the world of politics quite well. After declaring, “I will always tell my truth,” Rinna confirms that she’ll reveal it all to the ladies at Kyle’s party later that day. Well, as much of it as she can remember, since she was clearly in some sort of walking coma or black-out drunk when talking to Eden way back when.

While en route to Kyle’s, stuffed animal by her side — a baby present peace offering for Kim — Rinna tells Erika that she actually thinks Eden was telling the truth. “I think I said everything,” Rinna declares. Notice Rinna never says that she herself was lying, only that Eden was telling the truth. Erika gives her a look up and down and tells her the baby gift was a nice gesture, but she’s done for. (To put it in perspective, LVP brings a baby present for Kim’s grandchild out of the kindness of her royal heart — not as any kind of Band-Aid.)

NEXT: At least the flowers look nice

Over at Kyle’s dessert tasting party (which is drop-dead gorgeous, by the way — the woman has a knack for hiring the best florists in the biz), Carnie throws around jokes about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tiny penis, we meet Kim’s sponsor Clare, and Dorit shows the women (and, sadly, us, too) a totally non-thrilling video of baby Phoenix reaching for her high heels. Oh, and Eden grabs a mini hors d’oeuvre, puts it to her mouth to mime eating for the cameras, then seems to put it down before the cameras cut away. Did anyone else notice that?

Kim bonds with Carnie, who has been sober for 12 years, and, as expected, actively ices out Eden. While everyone is gathered over strawberry almond bites, Rinna pulls Eileen aside to reveal the news — yes, she did in fact say all of those horrible things about Kim. I’ve never experienced so many dramatic pauses. Eileen claims to be surprised but shows no emotion, presumably because she’s just as sick of this whole story line as we are. Kyle comes to check on the two of them, and right as Rinna’s about to confess, Carnie comes busting in to ask why they’re not eating her cheesecake bites. Dammit, Carnie — the cheesecake bites can wait!

Rinna and Eileen have rejoined the whole group, making it the absolute perfect time for Rinna to confess. Because why wouldn’t you confess to something so troubling in front of 25 of your nearest and dearest and “Hold On” lyricists? “Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I said them,” Rinna says in front of everyone. The air goes out of the room (I know, I know, they’re outside, but you know what I mean), and that good ol’ Housewife chaos sets in. Kyle is enraged that Rinna, whom she had been defending, lied to her. Kim is disgusted that Rinna could be so hurtful and damaging, and she’s still pissed at Eden for repeating what Rinna said. LVP defends Eden and blames Rinna for putting all this crap out there in the first place. Kim tells Eden (whom I actually kinda feel bad for?) that she and Kyle are not Catya and Eden. Rinna yells at Kim to be compassionate. Kyle yells at LVP to pick a lane. The whole thing is one big cluster, culminating in Rinna trying to pull a Lin-Manuel Miranda with an “it’s all about love in the end” speech. LVP is all, Nice try, why don’t you say that and actually mean it.

Shout out to Carnie Wilson, the one person who’s actually enjoying this big ol’ mess.