Lisa Vanderpump takes the girls to the Hamptons, and Lisa Rinna sells some cute cardigans
Credit: Bravo

Happy New Year! Here’s to a 2016 full of more miniature animals!!! Sadly, there are no shrunken creatures in the most recent episode of RHOBH. But there is a trip to the Hamptons. Who knows what kind of magical unicorns exist in those wine-filled acres? Well, I actually do because I’ve been there and really the only thing magical is some Hamptons locals’ lack of aging.

Anyway, we begin with Kyle preparing to pack for the Hamptons trip. She, of course, consults her child Portia to ask what exactly one wears for a white party. Portia just seems annoyed to have to participate but tries her best.

Then, we cut to Lisa Rinna who’s traveling to Philadelphia (gasp!) for a QVC appearance. Rinz prefers to disinfect her entire hotel room before fully relaxing, which leads to a very long montage of her wiping things.This is what this season has come to: Housewives wiping things. #BringBackBrandi

We then watch Erika pack, which is somewhat complicated because she has to pack as herself for the Hamptons but then also for Erika Jayne and gay pride. The latter requires a lot of body suits and glitter and sideboob. Speaking of boobs, Erika mentions that Yolanda is getting her implants taken out, but Erika can’t imagine that. See, her entire family had wonderful breasts, and she always had boob envy. One of her tatas was actually even bigger than the other. It’s all very Dickensian but with implants.

Speaking of Yolanda, she’s preparing to go to Cleveland to get her implants removed along with some silicon that’s leaked into her body. She has an emotional goodbye with her housekeeper. And there’s a very moving moment where we see her giant glass refrigerator. I got emotional at that point. But Yolanda has a good frame of mind: “These boobies never defined me as a woman.” And, yes, she referred to them as boobies. In the car on the way to the airport, ever-sensitive husband David Foster asked if he could manhandle her breasts ’til they got to the plane. Yolanda awkwardly laughed and sort of agreed. David kept squeezing and, I’m imagining, composed Andrea Bocelli’s next single.

We go back to Erika who has lunch at The Palm with her husband, Tom, who if you didn’t know from the 100 times she mentions it, is a big-time lawyer. You can tell he’s important because the Beverly Hills Chief of Police stops by for lunch. It doesn’t feel staged at all. Not. At. All.

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Back at QVC, Lisa Rinna enters but opts not to hose the place down with Clorox. I guess QVC runs a pretty tight ship. She apparently also shares a dressing room with a designer named Dennis Basso who sounds like he could be Harvey Fierstein’s cousin. He also did the bridesmaids dresses for Nicky Hilton’s wedding. Worlds colliding!!! A few minutes later, Isaac Mizrahi shows up. Basically, all that was missing was a Michael Kors cameo and Rinna’s trip to QVC would be like a gay fever dream. Lisa did explain that she likes to think of her customers as named “Shirley.” I will give to her: Rinz is a good salesperson. She uses terms that I think are completely made up like “princess seaming” and makes it sound real. And, when talking about chunky cardigans, she says things like “you throw it on, and you’re five seconds to fabulous.”

Yolanda makes it to the Cleveland surgery center. Immediately David is concerned about what will happen to her jewelry during surgery. Such a keeper. Then, they meet with her surgeon, Dr. Feng, whose scrubs match her hat, which looks like a cute beret. I love a surgeon in a beret. They show the surgery briefly — just enough for us to see Yolanda’s leaking implant, which is not cute.

Finally, it’s time for everyone to arrive in the Hamptons for Lisa Vanderpump’s Bella magazine party. Bella’s editor-in-chief, obvi named Courtenay, greets her at what appears to be a nicely renovated motel. Well, Kyle, Eileen, and Rinz were real not into the motel, so they had Mauricio find them a nice house away from the partay. Vanderpump does not understand this at all, which is confusing because last year she freaked out when Joyce took them home with her and their hotel rooms only had one bathroom.

Then at the party, all anyone wanted to discuss was Kim Richards’ arrest after allegedly shoplifting $600 worth of toys. I mean, I kinda understand her point but that’s a really bats— crazy story.

Next week, Bethenny arrives and starts fights with people!!! Yay!!! #NoMoreWiping