Kyle and Lisa work on their doctorates in diagnosing illnesses and family tension respectively while vacationing in Tuscany
Credit: Bravo

Everything Kyle Richards knows about Tuscany, she learned from the movies, and everything I know about being a doctor who is capable of diagnosing other humans’ illnesses, I learned from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So don’t worry — you’re in expert hands here as we dive into what’s shaping up to be the darkest installment of RHOBH since season 2 (which surely cannot be topped, no matter how many how many dental drill sounds we have to hear).

But before we begin contemplating mortality and broken families, let’s address what has to be one of the more shocking lines ever uttered on this franchise: “I need you to come to Ohio with me.” Even more shocking — it’s LVP herself who’s planning a trip to humble O-H-I-O. Vanderpump meets Lisa Rinna for lunch and asks what you get for a man turning 70 who already has everything? A tiny-ass horse, obviously! She already has the second-tiniest one in the world all lined up, and all that stands between her and its short little legs is a first-class trip to the Midwest.

Indeed, Ken is a nearly 70-year-old man with a ramen noodle perm, so his favorite pastime is, of course, putting down beautiful women for their appearance. First Yolanda, and now Kyle — watch out Rinna, not even your famous mug and seriously famous husband will keep you safe from Ken’s judgmental peepers. Ken and Lisa are accompanying Kyle and Mauricio’s clan on a trip to Tuscany, you see, and as Ken lays in a perfectly horizontal position wearing a blanket of teacup dogs watching Lisa pack, he wonders why she’s packing a few extra stylish duds for Kyle since Kyle only wears muumuus.

Has he not heard that Kyle is a boutique owner??? But Lisa is packing a gown for her friend because after Italy, Kyle will be going to London for her niece Nicky Hilton’s wedding. Or that was the case until Lisa calls to confirm she’ll be bringing the black Badgley Mischka, and Kyle tells her no need: “I was told it would be better if I didn’t go to the wedding, so I’m not going.” To Kyle’s credit, she stays mostly mum on the issue, saying it’s Nicky’s day, and Kathy’s day as the mother-of-the-bride, so she has to respect the decision. To her discredit, she was probably uninvited because of the reality show she’s currently speaking into the camera for, plus the scripted TV show she’s plotting that’s totally just about her growing up in the ’70s and not at all about the rest of her family.

This RHOBH season seems to have already developed bit of a “death is all around us” theme (which is really the last thing Beverly Hills needed after its sketchy role in The Jinx last year), and while some of that is sweet, like Eileen and Vince visiting Dick Van Patten’s star on the Palm Springs Walk of Stars to remember him or even Lisa Rinna forcing her teenage daughter’s friends to sit in on a speaker phone call about her dad’s catheter, sometimes it’s also pretty tough to watch, like hearing Yolanda say last week that if it weren’t for her kids, she’d jump off the balcony of her condo. I just have to think if they could get even one glass-front refrigerator or free-standing lemon tree in there, her disposition might look up.

But again, everything I know about being a medical professional who makes diagnoses, I learned on Bravo, so what I know is this…if you put enough judgmental women with hypochondriac tendencies in the yard of a Tuscan villa and pump them full of margaritas, it doesn’t take long for the “I’ve actually spoken to a doctor about that” comments to start flowing. OH HAVE YOU, KYLE? And what did that one doctor have to say about the all-conclusive nature of medicine?

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Let’s back up: Lisa tells Kyle about Yolanda’s latest procedure when she arrives in Tuscany, which she describes as “having her teeth taken out.” But in actuality, Yolanda had all of the metal crowns taken off of her teeth to check their mercury content since the metal counts in her blood are so high. Her husband, David, shows up just long enough for her to joke, “Aren’t you glad you married me,” and him to deadpan back, “Thrilled,” which is just another fun tally in the rough-times-for-families column of this season.

Lisa Rinna and Eileen check up on Yolanda afterward, and they’re distraught after Yo’s “health advocate” Daisy gives them a peak at her medicine cabinet closet (which seems a touch invasive but also seems like something Yolanda directly told Daisy to do). So the lines are clearly being drawn here on who’s questioning Yolanda’s illness — not necessarily that she’s ill, just what specifically is causing her pain, I guess — and who isn’t. Which brings us back to the former party, hobbling around Tuscany in their stilettos and muumuus.

Kyle tells Lisa that she was so sick for the two years after her mother passed away that she thought she was dying herself…until she saw a commercial that said, “Depression hurts,” and that advertisement taught her everything she could ever need to know about human pain and suffering.

But Dr. Kyle, Dr. Kyle, Dr. Kyle, it’s the circle of life out there under the Tuscan sun, and now it’s time to switch from tequila to wine, and for Lisa’s judgments to switch to you. At the dinner table, with all of Kyle’s daughters present, Kyle tells Lisa that now she is going to Nicky’s wedding, and so begins Lisa’s grand inquisition, with an off-camera assist from Ken. Lisa thinks that Kyle is constantly being manipulated by her sisters and wants to know how it’s right that two of Kyle’s daughters are invited to the wedding and two aren’t. Okay wait — that last bit does seem pretty messed up. Apparently there won’t be any children at the wedding, so Alexia and Sophia aren’t invited, but Portia is a flower girl, so she is. Alexia maturely suggests that they stop talking about this at the dinner table in front of the children (one of whom is her).

So my main takeaway from this episode is: Are we to presume that at some point little Portia was going to be toddling around Kensington Palace unattended? Let’s see a show about that, Andy Cohen!

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe

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