Yolanda is hosting dinner parties, and Kyle and Kim are crying — looks like everything's back to normal
Credit: Bravo

I tell all of my friends that unless they give me a specific combination of seven words (“This is a secret — don’t tell, b#@!*”) four days in advance of a conversation, they should expect that I’ll repeat anything they tell me “to anyone.” And I will do it immediately; as soon as they confide in me, I will turn around and rattle off their confessions like a laundry list at the first lady lunch under a pergola my little feet can get me to. As you can imagine…I have many, many friends.

Oh waaaaait. It’s not me that does that; it’s Kathryn — who stone cold sucks in this episode. I know she has some redeeming qualities, like having a hot young husband and her general upper-arm region, but as quickly as I fell for Erika Jayne, I have soured on Kathryn the bad friend.

Listen, I don’t think most of what Lisa Vanderpump does is so bad, and I don’t think Erika does either — she’s just smart enough to recognize that LVP knows how to get her way, and that’s the type of person to keep your eye on. If Kathryn can’t take that information in and accept it as truth, or at least a possibility, rather than running to tattle like Erika had made fun of Lisa’s itty-bitty horses or something, then she deserves to get caught up in the web. Unfortunately, I think she’ll find Erika a much more formidable opponent than Lisa, as we’ll see in a later scene that has the exact same beats of a horror movie.

But the better news from tonight is — correct me if I’m wrong — not a single mention of the M-word (YOU KNOW THE ONE). Yolanda is too busy planning a dinner party for everyone that she’s been semi-fighting with for the last few weeks to worry about why they’ve been fighting or that yet another group gathering might be a terrible time for everyone involved. I mean, Kyle hasn’t even responded to Yolanda’s midnight rage-blackout email yet, but she still feels like she has to go to the dinner because not going would be even worse. Plus, where else would she wear that drop waist…situation.

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Kyle and Lisa both greet Yolanda by telling her they can all discuss how annoyed they are with each other later; but for now, they can all just enjoy the halibut. Not to mention, there are new dramas to be discussed (and I literally can’t remember what Kyle, Lisa, and Yolanda were fighting about last week, only that there was tableside guacamole to accompany it). Eileen beckons Kathryn over to the far end of the dinner table because Lisa Rinna didn’t get to hear Kathryn’s tale of how Erika told her to watch out for LVP’s web. So good ol’ Kathryn, she just goes right into detail one more time about the private conversation that she and Erika had moments after Kathryn promised to be Erika’s new bestie and that “If you trust me, I’ll never use anything you tell me against you.” Ha! Ha. Ha. Ha.

Down at the other end of the table at this super fun party, Lisa summons Erika, and Erika looks like she would rather perform her next gig at a retirement home in a bodysuit made of nails than participate in this conversation, but she leans in. I would like to admit that I am not strong enough for the conversation that come next: Lisa Vanderpump and Erika Jayne are both top-dog alphas with nerves of steel, and having to be on the receiving end of either of their icy-cold stares would send me into a panic. But not each other. LVP asks Erika why she would tell Kathryn not to get tangled in her web, and Erika responds coolly to Lisa that she simply meant that Lisa is very influential; to the interview camera, in regard to Kathryn repeating their conversation, she responds, “F—ing c–t.” Now, now Erika — Kathryn doesn’t like that word!

NEXT: “Did ya have fun?”

Nothing much goes down in the discussion between Erika and Lisa because these two are never going to be friends, and they have enough self-preservation instincts to simply try not to be enemies (good luck). The much more interesting conversation for us, the audience, is the one we get to watch go down with creepy calmness, knowing that Erika knows Kathryn told, but Kathryn doesn’t know Erika knows (I assume you all said that in at least one Friends character’s voice):

Erika: What’d you do today?

Kathryn: Uh, nothing.

Erika: Nice.

Kathryn: I stayed out last night at Vanderpump’s.

Erika: Did ya have fun.

Kathryn: Yeah… It got a little hairy at times.

Erika: Why. What happened.

All of these statements form Erika are said in the sweetest, deadest voice you’ve ever heard, with the prettiest, coldest look you’ve ever seen. At this point, Kathryn knows her goose is cooked, but bless her heart, she barrels forward with conviction of a new Housewife who thinks she’s ready to run with the big dogs. Erika tells her that she thought they were speaking in confidence during their boxin’ and bondin’ sesh, so she’s a little disappointed that Kathryn turned right around and repeated their conversation. Kathryn says she would “never say anything that can’t be repeated, and I assume you’d say the same,” which is either bull or Kathryn is bonkers bananatown. Kathryn leans into it even more, saying, “Unless I say, ‘This is between you and I,’ I’m expecting that you I’ll say it to anyone.” Anyone!

So now Erika knows that, and I’m assuming this friendship is DOA. Kathryn tells the camera that she thought “the rule usually is if you don’t want it repeated, you don’t say it,” which is perhaps usually the rule, but it’s not the rule when you’ve just promised to be someone’s BFF for life, basically replacing their beloved grandma. But whatever. Everyone knows where they stand now, and where they’re standing is in a room with Andrea Bocelli singing “Ave Maria” because David Foster loves a good surprise guest at a dinner party. I’m not ashamed to admit that I wept…

Especially given Kyle’s story that “Ave Maria” was her mother’s favorite song and, before she passed, she told Kyle that she would keep giving Kyle signs to know that she was still with her. Given that Kyle was listening to a world-renowned tenor singing her mother’s favorite song on her sister Kim’s birthday…this was probably one of them.

So Kyle apparently surprised Kim at her birthday celebration with her kids following Yolanda’s dinner party and then invited Kim over to talk…or not talk. They could never quite decide. You know how it is with these two — they want to just be able to move past their rocky history, but it’s also hard to not to talk about all the times they’ve screamed awful, awful things at each other over a half-terrified, half-elated Andy Cohen. But their conversation does establish two things: that they still love each other; and the only way to deal with their issues is alone and not in front of the whole group. Just Kim, Kyle, and the Bravo television audience.

The crew also does some post-dinner assessment sit-downs, but they mostly just establish who the new cliques in town are. So what are you: Team Yolanda/Erika/Eileen, Team The Rest, or Team Tiny Horse House? Sound off in the comments!