The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: 'Baby Nups & Breakups'
The Housewives are back in Atlanta and back up to their triflin' hijinks
Y’all want to talk about triflin’? Let’s talk about this episode.
Now, I know we were blessed with what felt like weeks in Maui, full of lies about drugging rumors, tale of p—y-eating proposals, fully outfitted divorce parties, and one startling and moving story of shutting down a sweaty-necked abuser. In Sunday night’s episode, however, without so much as an aloha — Kenya will tell you that means hello, goodbye, and would you like me to throw you a party you’ll hate with my surplus of penis goods? — we are suddenly back in Atlanta, where everyone is trying my triflin’ patience, except maybe Cynthia, who is acting like a surprisingly level-headed purveyor of backpacks.
Between the baby ‘nups, the Old Lady Gang, the law suits, and the return of Matt, Sunday’s episode was both full of obnoxious RHOA tropes and generally, an insult to the practice of law. I’ve never really felt a need to apologize to the U.S. Constitution before, but between Porsha’s understanding of conceiving children and Kandi’s wispy-bearded former employee’s concept of intellectual property, I just have to book a ticket to Washington, D.C. to pay my condolences.
Since hardly any of the Housewives interact with one another, for this recap’s purposes, we might as well take it one triflin’ woman at a time:
Porsha: Shall we start with the most triflin’ of all, Porsha Williams? Let us recall that Porsha is coming off a fresh stint of lying her ass (and her boobs and her weave and her gel manicure) off about Kandi’s sex life for no good reason except that she was mad, only to glide into tonight’s episode trying to make a legal case for how she should be a mother. And how does Porsha think she should become a mother? By trying get her goofy boyfriend Todd — who is I think is just coming to her house for the first time ever tonight??? — to sign a “baby ‘nup.” Todd seems confused that Porsha is talking to him about a prenuptial baby agreement since they’re kind of barely dating, and Porsha screams, “Excuse me, we send baby pics to each other and talk about this all the time!” Surely Todd knew that sending screen shots of Fly Toddlers of Instagram back and forth was a binding agreement in the court of Porsha.
But Porsha isn’t so much trying to get Todd to legally agree to have a child with her, as she is trying to get him to sign an agreement for “if a baby happens before we get married.” So it’s a contract… for an accidental pregnancy…that specifies that the mother has the right to post as many pictures of the infant on Twitter as she wants? Todd is clearly overwhelmed by the nutso-crazytown nonsense Porsha is spewing at him, so she explains, “Yes it is a lot, it’s very detailed. But I care that damn much about the child that I’m about to bring into this world.” Let me be very clear: Porsha, YOU ARE NOT ABOUT TO BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD. You are trying to talk a man into signing a pregnancy agreement that you haven’t even talked into getting pregnant with you yet.
Todd does manage to get out, “If you thought I would say yes to half of that stuff, then I don’t know what you thought about the person I am or the type of father I would be,” and good on him for that. I begrudge no person the right to be a parent, but Porsha might want to take a good look at the way she’s approaching her right to bring life into the world, and just how much it involves SnapChat privileges.
NEXT: And the rest…
Kandi says the Old Lady Gang restaurant is just soooo close to opening and she has the disposable aluminum pans full of food to prove it. After a big few weeks, she and Todd are mostly on the sidelines tonight, aside from pointing out that they are currently the only official relationship among the Housewives cast, which is…pretty wild.
Cynthia: May I introduce you to Cynthia Bailey, recently single backpack mogul and mother of Noelle, aspiring model who seems not particularly interested in being a model, but did very sweetly thank her mother for the opportunity to model Cargo backpacks tonight. Cynthia is hosting a fashion show in an artsy abandoned warehouse, which altogether has a pretty cool industrial effect, much as the designer herself does in her sleek all-black outfit and voluminous hair.
Both Noelle and Kairo are modeling in the Cargo show. Kairo has never walked a runway before but tells new friend Noelle he’s not nervous about it. Noelle suggests he might become nervous closer to the runway, and I suggest maybe he should let those nerves push him to practice a little, because though Kairo is one good-lookin’ 19-year-old, he also appeared to be meandering around that runway looking for seashells to fill up his backpack with.
Sheree: Every parent should be proud of their child for their achievements, but Sheree could maybe cool it on the pride until she teaches her hot child not to be an hour late for his (non-paying) job. Other than that, well done everybody!
Phaedra: Oh Phaedra. Don’t you dare act like you’re not trifling for messing around with this Johnnie Winston muthaf—a and his dumb-dumb baby beard. Listen, I’m not saying it’s outside the realm of possibility for Kandi and Todd to steal some people’s ideas to try to turn a buck, but that this fellow and his Windsor-knot-the-size-of-Georgia tie is trying to say he came up with the concept for A Mother’s Love — a play that was simultaneously a money pit, bad, and basically the autobiographical tale of Kandi Burruss’ exact life — is the silliest of silly. And correct me if I’m wrong here esquires, but I don’t think it’s a lawyer’s ethical obligation to facilitate an entire meeting to help someone find the appropriate lawyer when the client is trying to sue their former best friend. Perhaps a business card would have been sufficient, Phaedra.
Good luck getting on those Old Lady Gang dollars that are just about to start rolling in like hot cakes, Johnnie!
Kenya: I really don’t want to even give this Matt and Kenya story line the word count it would take to explain it. I’ll simply say these things: (1) The Saks Fifth Avenue of dog stores does not have slatwall paneling, Kenya; (2) There are clearly some missing pieces to this story that have to do with what is supposed to take place on camera and what isn’t according to Kenya, otherwise why would this conversation be taking place in a stairwell; (3) Matt has broken every window in your home, and it’s not because you “emasculated” him by not giving him enough attention. Kenya — STOP TALKING TO MATT.
Do you have thoughts on Kenya and Matt beyond, Please stop making us watch this? Should Todd agree to Porsha’s baby ‘nup once he’s “red-lined” the Instagram section? And do you agree with Phaedra that hot-dog-bun-vaginas are not necessarily a timeless style? Sound off in the comments!