The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: 'All Tea All Shade'
The repercussions of Apollo's confession hit Phaedra, and Cynthia and Porsha hit "Snotty: Level 100."
To get through tonight’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, you need an RHOA glossary of terms, an encyclopedic knowledge of every blog on the internet that might run a story about Porsha Williams (including Tumblrs, Twitters, and probably a few sizable group text messages), and nerves of steel because in addition to these women apparently relocating their acting class funds over to their uncomfortable furniture budget, the writers have also decided that this season’s story lines will be entirely comprised of rehashing events that happened two years ago, and recapping parties that happened a week ago where everyone originally rehashed events that happened two years ago.
I’m sure that Claudia Jordan will prove to be the little sister Al Pacino’s character in Devil’s Advocate never had, but tonight she was almost a breath of fresh air simply because we never knew she existed until a few weeks ago. And you guys… she was literally talking about furniture for the majority of her screen time. That’s what we’re working with.
Claudia’s tagline in her newly added opening credit: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m here to stay.” Claudia either has a Porsha-level understanding of the English language or a dangerously negative impression of her own personality.
Let’s get things started with the Apollo bomb that dropped on Kenya last week, because goodness knows we’re going to be experiencing the mushroom cloud of repercussion for it over the next 10 weeks (mainly, listening to Kandi find different ways to talk about fellatio). Kenya is having some one-on-one time buying “stress-relieving trees” with her Aunt Lori, who has always seemed like a lovely woman and continues to attempt to have a positive influence on Kenya tonight. I lose a little bit of trust in her though when she starts off their conversation, “What’s going on with the girls?” Don’t be the producers’ recapping pawn, Lori. I’m not better than that, but you are.
This scene of Kenya recapping her side of the events is intercut with Kandi filling in Porsha and Phaedra on Apollo’s negative-fellatio confession in classic RHOA style. Last season, I often titled this method Recappin’ in Kitchens, but this season we might have to call it Recappin’ in the Last Places in Atlanta That Will Let RHOA Film There Because No One Likes One Another Anymore and Inside Voices Are No Longer an Option. You know the drill: Cynthia’s party was sooooo crazy, girl, you won’t believe what happened, honey. While they wait for Phaedra to arrive, Porsha tells Kandi that Cynthia “started out as a little Nene and now she’s a baby Kenya.” Porsha may not be sharp, but her hate-flavor of the week is generally pretty accurate.
Phaedra arrives and Porsha calls her a Skinny Minnie as she almost always does, because Cynthia may be the queen of it, but P is also not afraid of a little ass kissing. Phaedra calls her a mermaid in return. You know the drill: Oh yeah, girl, we were just talking about every single thing that happened at Cynthia’s terrible party, honey. Let us fill you in, child.
NEXT: Can Kenya forgive? Can we forget her quoting Shakespeare?
Kandi cuts straight to the chase about Apollo’s admission: “She did not offer to give him head… he said he lied about the whole situation.” Ain’t no Real Housewives party like an Atlanta Real Housewives party, because an Atlanta Real Housewives party has lines like, “She did not offer to give him head” as an integral key to multiple story lines. Phaedra, in all of her creepy calm, says it’s unbelievable but hardly blinks an eye of annoyance. She says she’s woman enough to admit that even if Kenya isn’t a saint for reasons beyond the falsified Apollo situation, she still deserves an apology. Well, that was easy…
Maybe a little too easy? Phaedra’s willingness to ask forgiveness is intercut with Kenya—still tree shopping—trying to decide if she’ll be able to forgive everyone at the encouragement of Aunt Lori. Then she quotes Othello, and so help me, it’s 80 percent accurate.
But that’s enough culture for the day; now it’s over to Bailey’s House of Pasta Salad and Tostitos to find out what personality Cynthia is trying on in Episode 3. And you better watch out, you guys: She’s got her roots showing, her humor is self-deprecating, and she’s ready to throw down. If you didn’t enjoy the Cynthia that took shit—from everyone around her, then surprisingly, you will probably enjoy the Cynthia that tries to give shit—to everyone around her even less… only speaking from personal experience, here.
Cynthia is still riding hard on the only-keeping-positive-people-around-me train that’s been plowing through everyone’s psyche in season 7, and Cynthia’s list of course includes Kenya, and new to the scene, Claudia. Cynthia says she “liked her energy, liked her vibe,” at her party last week, and you can barely even see her pupils dilate as she reads the cue card and Andy Cohen hands her over a crisp Benjamin. She also tells Peter that Porsha has moved into the penthouse suite in Nene’s ass that she used to reside in. Cynthia is getting so wild, y’all. So wild. Just can’t believe how wild.
Let’s take a brief break from talking about Nene’s ass to talk about Claudia’s missing teeth. Claudia and fellow ATL expat Kenya take a little visit to a furniture store because newly moved Claudia is in need of some home goods; this exchange tells you everything you need to know about the way the RHOA ladies often view themselves versus the way the audience often views them:
“Is this shop Italian?”
“Actually, we’re based in Miami.”
I should note, however, that it was a perfectly lovely shop and didn’t deserve to have a woman come in and simulate tooth-losing sex on their very expensive beds. But how else would we get to know our new best gal pal, Claudia Jordan? Claudia describes herself as a model/host/comedian that you’ve seen not hosting or comedian-ing on Deal or No Deal, The Price Is Right, and The Celebrity Apprentice. But she’s used those medium-profile TV gigs to get a high-profile radio gig as a host on the nationally syndicated Rickey Smiley Morning Show. Later, Rickey himself comes over to Claudia’s house and when he notices she’s taken her weave out, says she lied about her hair all being natural in her job interview, to which I say… what are the credentials to be a radio host on the Rickey Smiley show?
Apparently she also once had sex so aggressively that she lost a tooth in the process—we should probably go ahead and assume that was also mentioned in the interview.
NEXT: Randy Kessler, Attorney at (Televised) Law…
In your mid-episode recap of the events that were recapped 20 minutes ago, Nene goes over to Porsha’s house to hear about all the Shade ‘n’ Tea from Cynthia’s party, and exactly three things of note happen: Nene wears a blazer and dress shorts that make her look ready to fight a bull while keeping cool; Porsha pours about a quart of some sort of thick juice into their glasses of champagne because if these women ever had an unadulterated bubble in their life it might kill them; and Porsha finally teaches me the definition of the young people slang I’ve been meaning to Google for weeks: THOT, “Those Hoes Over There.” She thinks Cynthia is a THOT, because Porsha and Cynthia are officially enemies now.
Also enemies: Phaedra and Apollo. Phaedra splashes around with her angel-sons in the pool at home while Apollo goes to visit the only divorce attorney in Atlanta, Randy Kessler. Respect to Randy though, because he at least seems a little hesitant to commit to Apollo in any way. He tells Randy that he needs some advice because he’s worried about what his situation will be like when he gets out of jail if Phaedra files for divorce. In his interview (scale of 1-10, how jealous is Peter of Apollo’s certified Temporary Peach Status?), he says, “Phaedra is a smart woman, she’s very calculated,” and while I totally believe that Phaedra has it in her to pull a full-on Gone Girl, it’s still difficult to feel sympathy for Apollo when he’s trying to talk about what’s fair for him post-prison when he’s been fraudulently stealing money from people for years.
He ends this bit with the line, “Truthfully, I love my wife. I despise everything about her, but I love my wife,” which I think is word-for-word taken from Gone Girl. Apollo is such a Nick.
Finally, Porsha told Nene earlier that she was willing to try to sort things out with Cynthia, who has publicly taken Kenya’s side in the whole Scepter Rage Blackout Reunion Debacle, and she stays true to her word, inviting Cynthia to lunch. She’s also an hour late to the lunch that she arranged, and when she finally arrives and Cynthia says, “I was just about to leave, you’re an hour late,” she snottily responds, “Oh, I’m glad you can stay.” That’s not to stay that Cynthia isn’t also being snotty—it’s a regular seasonal pollen allergy in there, but Porsha should have apologized, and there’s no getting around that.
Porsha tells Cynthia she’s being nasty before she can even sit down, and Cynthia tells Porsha she should apologize for wasting her time. They proceed to closed-mouth smile/grimace at each other while they inform the other of how perfectly awful they are. Porsha lays out the events of their demise: Cynthia said in some blog or another that Porsha was provoked by Kenya when she attacked her at the reunion, and then she said in some other blog or another that there was no defending Porsha’s actions, making her a “flipper.”
One “grown ass woman” calls another woman a “flipper” at a lunch that was supposed to be clearing the air. And the other woman responds, in front of a green screen, behind the closed doors of a television studio: “Oh, I’m a flipper? Word on the street is you’re over there flip-flopping with some old married man for cars and money.” Oh geez… clearly things do not get any better, until they’re both just saying, “blog, blog, comment, comment, don’t point your ET finger at me,” and everyone else in the restaurant is looking around, horrified.
They both storm out, declaring, “Situation, solved.” If you say so, you flippers, you.
Quotes of the Night:
– “This is beyond—excuse me, Jesus—fu–ery; this is—new word—fu–ation.” —Phaedra on the classification of the Apollo-gy…add it to the glossary!
– “Shakespeare. Learn it [here, on Bravo!] —Kenya, additions by me
– “If a guy is good looking and crazy and an asshole—I’ve dated him.” Shall we assume that Claudia has dated every man from every reality show ever then?
– I didn’t mention Kandi’s small scenes tonight, but Kayla has made her move from New York to Atlanta and let’s just say that Riley deals with awkward situations about as well as her mom… and throws shade a little like her grandma. I’m hoping for a Parent Trap (pre-trapping the parents) plot twist where those two end up being the best of friends.
– List of RHOA cast members who officially think Kenya deserves an apology for the way they treated her: Kandi, Phaedra, Peter, Cynthia; not Nene.
Do you think that Kenya will accept the apology that everyone seems ready to give her? Should she? Will Nene ever talk to another full-time cast member on this show ever again? And, of course, what do you think of the new hard-edged Cynthia—you scared?
The Real Housewives of Atlanta