The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: 'No Moore Apollogies'
Shots. Fired. I repeat, knowledge bombs are dropping on the set of The Real Housewives of Atlanta (I guess that’s technically the city of Atlanta, but I don’t know if the Atlanta City Council claims Bar One as their own), and the end result is the worst possible scenario—everyone owes Kenya an apology. Like… a big one.
Hell hath frozen over, pigs are flying, and Nene went in public wearing eyelashes shorter than a ruler: Apollo has finally admitted to Kenya, his friends, and everyone but his wife that he lied to Phaedra about Kenya offering to come over and “commit some fraud” with his “mail” in L.A., if you know what I’m saying.
In case you don’t know what I’m saying, a recap within the recap for you: Two years ago, Apollo told everyone, starting with Phaedra, that when he and Kenya were in L.A. at the same time, she offered to come over and perform some fellatio services to him, her castmate’s husband. Kenya denied ever having made any such offer, and in fact, stuck to her story that Apollo was the only one playing a singles game of text-tag; but as Kenya was already a pretty grating presence after her first RHOA season, most everyone sided with Apollo, and his wife, Phaedra, began to read Kenya like a dentist office waiting room’s US Weekly every chance she got.
And now, after two years, Apollo is admitting that it was all a lie while offering Kenya an apology that contains a suspicious amount of laughing and yelling. He’s about to go to prison and he doesn’t want “making her feel like less of a woman” on his conscience. Because, you guys… that’s not really him! Apollo is a good guy, he swears! Just look at that sympathy sweater he keeps wearing in his one-on-ones—so sad, weep for him!
But for real, now we finally know once and for all: If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck, it’s probably a lying, cheating, maniac. Apollo… Costco doesn’t make erasers big enough to wipe this slate clean.
In news that doesn’t contain a complete lack of self-awareness—oh, no, sorry, fresh out of that. But! We are treated to a lot of precious Ayden and Dylan in this episode, even if is tainted with the sadness of a family being torn apart. But this is the Real Housewives franchise, not the Seavers or the Waltons… you knew what you were getting yourself into, here.
Phaedra and her mother take Ayden to his first dentist’s appointment, and while they’re in the waiting room, Apollo shows up. Phaedra doesn’t get angry or even really give any indication that he wasn’t supposed to be there, except for generally not speaking to him: “As a southern belle, I will always be appropriate and cordial in public in spite of what might happen in private.”
This Nida-Parks drama is likely to get old pretty quickly, but for now, it is nothing short of a psychological thriller. Phaedra is cold as ice, and unlike just about everyone else to ever be birthed from the Andy Cohen Laboratory, she somehow manages to actually keep her private life behind locked doors. And by that I don’t mean the logistics of her life—it’s hard to keep eight years in prison a secret. But as far as knowing how Phaedra feels about those eight years, how they’re affecting her personally, and her regrets, we’re left about as knowledgeable as Porsha in sith grade Social Studies class.
But the editors are working with what they’ve got and hitting us with that narrative arc, anyway. The dentists tells Ayden his back teeth might not be getting enough brushing, so he’ll need to do some “teamwork brushing” with his parents, and precious, crazy-smart Ayden responds, “teamwork brushing, working together.””Cue the sad music that doesn’t let up until everyone is leaving the parking lot and you hear Ayden’s voice say “Where are you going?” as his two parents’ identical white Mercedes diverge in opposite directions on the asphalt. There will be no teamwork brushing for this family, and don’t you forget it, Bravo viewer.
NEXT: I take it back—Cynthia is most definitely “choosing Cynthia” this season…
And then, as if to give us a slight reprieve, we’re treated to a scene of Cynthia and Peter talking about how hot they are for each other. Stop the madness, we’ve had enough! Cynthia is excited because the “Sexy at Any Age” issue of Ebony has just come out and “of course they asked [her] to be in the feature.” Somewhere, an Ebony assistant editor who fielded those 100+ calls from Cynthia’s agent (Peter) is rolling her eyes.
Rule one of The Bailey School for Models Who Like Modeling Good: Talk about how sexy you are as often as possible so people will be aware of your all-consuming sexiness. Rule two: Occasionally mention a time in your life when you didn’t feel sexy, so the normals will know that you also understand what it’s like to be hideous, but unlike them, you’ve been able to overcome it.
Peter wants to throw a party in honor of Cynthia’s five-page spread—okay, fine, that is a big deal, and the pictures looked great—so they go on to have a five minute conversation about who will and will not be invited where Cynthia says she’s ridding herself of all negative people and then immediately lists Kenya as her first invitee. Nene and Porsha are deemed Negative Nancys; Peter insinuates he and Cynthia are about to engage in sexual activity in the restaurant where he serves food and I take a quick dry-heaving break.
But so much for the terror break, because I arrive back to RHOA to find that Mama Joyce is about to enter the building. Apparently, she didn’t like the last house that Kandi gave her, so Kandi is getting her a new one that’s just down the street from the house she shares with Todd. Todd is, of course, thrilled. He can’t understand why Kandi is offering to get her mother a whole other house, and she says she just wants her mom to be happy. He asks what happens if she’s not happy with new house, and a more aggressive rendition of the Jaws anthem starts playing as Mama Joyce’s Audi pulls up the driveway.
By some miracle, Mama Joyce actually does like the house that Kandi shows her, complete with seven bedrooms, a basketball court, and hopefully no Todd-sized torture dungeons. Kandi is thrilled and says, “Y’all just don’t know how hard it is to please my mother.” KANDI. What show do you think we’ve been watching? I once watched your mother try to tear your best friend’s ears off while you looked at wedding veils in the next room. We are aware that she has a less than gentle temperament.
Kandi tells Mama Joyce that she’s happy that she apologized to Kayla, but she’s hoping she’ll also apologize to Todd’s mother, Sharon. You see, Sharon is a little peeved about some of the things Joyce has said about her—flashback to Mama Joyce saying, “Todd was raised by a pimp and a prostitute.”
Joyce does not believe that she owes Sharon an apology, rather that Sharon owed her one for the time she called her the b-word when Joyce was yelling and waving her hands in Sharon’s face at the dinner table. Kandi says she’s not even sure their families could have a blended holiday right now. KANDI. You could not have a blended holiday right now. Kandi has exactly one reality-TV-voice-of-reason weakness, and that weakness is probably waving her shoe at Todd, threatening to drag his ass through Atlanta at this very moment.
Nene is still on her spin-off within the series: “Not that Int-occent with Nene Leakes.” It’s her opening night of Cirque du Soleil, Orgy-Style in Las Vegas, and she’s nervous, but she’s also kind of made for the role, and basically workshopped the whole thing at last year’s Pillow Talk party, so it seems to go well. And that is quite literally all there is to say about that.
Finally, it’s time for Peter’s party that provides a chance for Cynthia to wear a Kill Bill power suit with pants that are just one centimeter too short and celebrate herself—”I feel and look amazing. I’m that girl right now”—and everyone else to get together and talk smack. After Cynthia makes her grand entrance, she sits down with Kandi to again discuss exactly who was and wasn’t invited to her party: Nene and Porsha, no; everyone else, yes. Everybody clear?? Kandi hilariously responds to the breakdown with what must be the mission statement on the Bravo network bulletin board: “It’s always something. People who were once friends are no longer friends; people who were enemies are now bestises. It’s just crazy.”
Indeed, Kandi, it is crazy, but not nearly as crazy as what’s about to go down. Kenya arrives, bringing with her, new castmate Claudia Jordan, as well as the entertainment for the evening. After Kandi spends some time telling Kenya that she shouldn’t have pressed charges for the time that Porsha physically attacked her, and Kenya acts put upon that someone would bring up unwanted drama at a party (SERIOUSLY, did everyone have their memories wiped MIB-style in between seasons?), Apollo arrives to really get the party started.
NEXT: Consulting OneRepublic on if two years and 1,000 “whore” comments later is too late to apologize…
Apollo beelines for the couch full of his wife’s friends, and one mortal enemy, and as soon as he sits down, Kenya gets up. When she comes back, she tells Cynthia she’s going to leave and pointedly tells everyone goodbye except for Apollo. And then comes…
Oh, did you think everyone wouldn’t be taking that pun opportunity? Apollo calls after Kenya and says he’d like to speak to her, to which she replies, “Um, I’m getting ready to leave.” There’s a quick flashback to him talking about her dirty toes at last season’s reunion as he follows her out of the party to tell her how he doesn’t want to degrade her (always a good sign when you need to preface your conversations with that), he just wants to apologize. Sure, Kenya is up for an apology. He says he doesn’t want to leave for prison knowing that he hurt someone, “that’s just not me, that’s not who I am as a person.” Who exactly does Apollo think he’s proven himself to be as a person if he’s always having to say that his actions are not the person that he is?
Kenya says his own personal needs to have a clean conscience are all well and good, but she wants to know what he’s apologizing for. Is he apologizing for the time he (at this point, allegedly) lied and told everyone she offered him fellatio? He says that was “crossing a line.” No, that was making up a line, and that’s still not an apology. So, clearly when Kenya doesn’t really want to just forgive him for the things he’s not apologizing for, Apollo starts screaming, “The only thing I want to do is apologize if I made you feel less of a woman… if you don’t want to accept it, I don’t give a damn at this point.”
Kenya, how dare you not allow Apollo to feel better after his heartfelt apology about nothing! Apollo storms back inside, and Cynthia, who witnessed this whole thing, goes in and tells everyone that he just admitted to lying about what happened in L.A. And even though he technically hadn’t admitted it yet, he’s about to.
Kandi, Todd, and Peter—all people who have stood up for Todd and basically turned against Kenya when he accused her of coming on to him—want to know the truth. He simply replies, “I’m not perfect,” as though being human naturally leads to telling your wife that her coworker tried to—you know what, I’m going to cut myself off there. Peter tells him this means they all have to apologize to Kenya now, and Apollo just laughs and laughs. Oh, what fun we’re having.
As that was the first moment that Apollo has actually come clean about the lie that’s driven the last two seasons of this series, it’s now time to go out and actually apologize to Kenya. He goes back out to where Kenya is still waiting for her car and leads with what might be the best intro line to an apology ever uttered: “I apologize for calling you an asshole, that was not in the plan.” He says it’s been hard to apologize to her because she’s always giving him the cold shoulder. That’s the thing about lying about someone trying to get with you, Apollo—that someone usually gets a little annoyed.
Kenya, always calm in the face of an argument and a juicy storyline, both meeting in a perfect storm here, tells him if he’s really going to apologize, he better saddle up and be specific.
“This is what I’ll say to you… I apologize to you; it was a lie. I was upset. I was mad at a lot of things because a lot of stuff was taken out of proportion.” The “stuff” he’s referring to is the time that Kenya told Phaedra he had been texting her, the “things” he mentions are the drama and fallout from their battling workout DVDs, and the apology he’s giving is an utter load of crap. Kenya tells him he has no idea the trouble he’s caused with that lie. Phaedra told all of their friends that Kenya did the things Apollo told her, and since then everyone has been calling her a whore. Apollo somehow takes that and start, “We’re both wrong! We’re both wrong!” But Kenya is having exactly none of it.
Kenya: Apollo, have I ever seen you in L.A.?
Apollo: Kenya. You’ve never seen me in LA.
Damn. Phaedra gon’ be mad.
And a few more choice quotes:
– “I am not raising any Dustin Diamons, any Macauley Culkins, no Gary Colemans. I am raising some strong black men and that’s what they will be.” –Kenya, with some specific goals
– “This the south, y’all just be buying houses….y’all on your Oprah Winfrey sh—.” –Todd accurately describing Kandi’s house buying habits.
– “I wuv it.” –Precious Ayden after declaring Phaedra’s superhero alter ego as Super Mommy. He’s Optimus Prime
– “I can’t defend you brother…give me something.” –Todd trying his damndest to find any redeeming quality in Apollo.
– I did not know what to do with that scene between Kenya and Brandon where he listed her “hundreds” IMDb credits, so I simply offer to you without commentary the lyrics of “Really, B—ch”:
You tried it/tried to pull my hair
I don’t care/mine is real
You’re wearing a wig/let me pull your hair
Be on the floor/mop the floor with that wig
And with that…do you think Kenya has been misjudged by the rest of the RHOA cast because of Apollo’s lie? Is she due an apology from Phaedra, and what’s the likelihood she’ll get it? And exactly how long do you think Phaedra’s eye will twitch when she finds out about Apollo’s little tall tale next week?