The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: 'Beauties in the Fast Lane'
RHOA's newest clique hits the road in the name of a totally sound business ventures and fake drama.
Tonight’s episode was low on plot but high on sheer idiocy, which is really the best you can ask for in a series that spends 60 percent of its airtime recapping what happened in the episode that came before it (the other 40 percent is statement lipstick, horse eyelashes, and false bravado). Cynthia, however, spends most of her portion of the hour making it abundantly clear that she has never set foot inside a sports bar, and is therefore clueless that Peter can and will run her into the ground before this fiscal year is up. Luckily, he has a new business partner, and that partner is Kordell Stewart—you know, Porsha’s ex-husband who the producers spent most of last season intimating was gay… and abusive.
Well, he’s back, and straight as an arrow, folks! That’s according to Peter and Kenya, at least, who are pushing him on single Claudia like a drug dealer trying to hook a wealthy prep school kid. This all happens back stateside, as the first scene in tonight’s episode shows the women returning from Puerto Rico, nary another mention of Demetria’s performance, the supposed reason for all of them going on the trip in the first place. In fact, “Friends of the Show,” Demetria and Porsha aren’t featured at all tonight (don’t think I didn’t see Roger Bobb’s bespectacled mug in next week’s preview though), so it’s almost an entire hour of the new clique in town: Kenya, Cynthia, and Claudia.
But we’ll start with the queen of cliques and clit comebacks, Nene. Gregg shuffled himself to the airport to pick up his wife-boss, and she greeted him with one too many kisses for me to be comfortable with seeing; but when given the option between watching Gregg and Nene kiss versus Peter’s business ventures or Apollo explaining jail time to his children, I think I’d have to choose the old man macking. The other two are just too sad in two very different ways.
In Recappin’ in Kitchens, Nene subs the kitchen for the car, but Cynthia keeps steadfast in her commitment to keep Peter’s beard on television, and gathers Peter and Mal around the island to tell them how she and Nene are not friends anymore, and this time she means it, and it’s definitely not like the other eight times when she said they weren’t friends, and then Nene apologized, so she said they were friends again—They. Are. Not. Friends (pending an apology from Nene). But from what Nene tells Gregg, she’s pretty content to not be friends with any of these women; also from what she tells Gregg, the all-out throwdown between her and Claudia was a simple champagne glass misunderstanding, and she behaved like a lady while totally holding her own… keep dreaming, Nene, you were talking about spaghetti straps while Claudia was reading your edges.
Cynthia is simply glowing while recounting how Claudia “handed Nene her ass,” and while it’s a total waste of airtime, I do always revel in these Cynthia recap segments because it’s like watching a sixth grader finally get to give the book report on Holes that they’ve been working on so hard. There’s always so much joy in her eyes when she successfully rattles off a line or says, “Oh, it’s Kenya calling, let’s see what she’s up to,” with only the slightest robotic tremor. It’s the little things, you know? Plus, tonight finally brings the burning of the Friendship Contract that has been all over the “This Season On.” The Friendship Contract is doubly successful in that it serves to review how lame Cynthia was for making it in the first place, and how lame she still is for filing it away in a Tupperware box in her office. Generally, the only thing I like about Mal is that she doesn’t like Peter, but I could have listened to her running around screaming, “She had it filed! She had it filed!” for hours.
NEXT: The return of Kordell…
Friendships are easy enough to terminate and start back up again at any number of Atlanta restaurants, but the ties that bond families are a little more complicated. Tonight, there are two familial storylines: One of a new family forming, and one of another falling apart. Kandi and Todd are trying to have a child together, which means getting his sperm tested and getting their daughters to help Kandi make an ovulation schedule. Let me back up—Kandi pulls Todd’s daughter, Kaela, and her daughter, Riley, who are both understandably a little awkward, due to many reasons, including but not limited to being teenagers and in close proximity to Kandi, into the kitchen to tell them that she and Todd want to have a baby, and ask them in front of each other if they’ve been avoiding each other. It’s obviously a great gig to be related to Kandi because she’ll take you in, and make you dinner, and buy you Corvettes; the only price you have to pay is that she will constantly put you in awkward situations. On the bright side, all the nervous laughter is probably a great core strengthener.
Update: Todd’s sperm, which we get a nice, long look at in the doctor’s office, is fine (and visible), so look out for little Todd-Burruss-Tucker-Junior hopefully in the near future.
In much less happy news, Apollo has finally been given the date that he needs to arrive for his eight-year jail sentence. Unfortunately, that means getting the pleasure of watching precious Ayden say things like, “Stop that, you rascal!” to precious Dylan, with the pain of listening to Apollo try to explain his jail time as an extended time-out. He apologizes to his sons in his one-on-one for putting himself in the position to be taken away from them. It’s all just very sad…
Which makes Kenya mooning someone from a Yukon on the highway all the more unsettling. You see, with all of his business success in Atlanta, and BarOne moving into a haunted morgue or whatever, Peter has decided to expand his brand to Charlotte, where he’s opening a sports bar called SportsOne: “It’s basically BarOne but a sports bar.” So… still empty but with more flat screens and just the slightest scent of vomit? Cynthia repeatedly describes sports bars as places where tons of hot dudes hang out—“Hello, it’s a sports bar! Sports bars equal ballers”—because Cynthia has clearly never been to a sports bar. They’re dark, damp affairs, occasionally with beer that pours directly out of your table. They are for watching sports. SportsOne, however, is in a small building made to look like a wood cabin and has almost entirely white interiors.
I know this because Cynthia forces Claudia and Kenya to go with her to SportsOne’s grand opening party, and along the way they get into all kind of high jinks. Kenya sticks her butt out the window while Claudia looks annoyed but tolerant; Kenya insists they listen to her “Gone With the Wind Fabulous” song and screams along while Claudia looks annoyed but tolerant; and Kenya tries to force Claudia to flirt with Kordell Stewart while Claudia looks annoyed but tolerant, if not a little happier because she’s finally, blissfully intoxicated.
Cynthia, Kenya, and Claudia arrive to Charlotte hours after the party has already started because they stopped for, like, 18 milkshakes on one four-hour drive, so Cynthia dumps them at the hotel to play dress up in her clothes and arrives at her husband’s big opening three hours late, in a taxi van, and wearing a fedora. They truly are a power couple. When Kenya and Claudia arrive, Claudia immediately spots Kordell and greets him like an old friend because apparently, he is. They’ve known each other for 15 years, but don’t seem to be in touch these days, and Kenya, ever in the producers’ pocket, think it’s time for that to change.
She immediately starts in, telling them that they’re both single and they look cute together. It is skin-crawling television. Then Peter joins the mix and my skin just completely leaves my body. Claudia says she can tell that Kordell is into her because she’s “a decent catch and [she] knows how to spell,” but she’s not the type of girl to go after her coworker’s ex. She does a little flirting, but for as hard as everyone else was pushing it, I was pretty impressed with how much Claudia managed to downplay their attempts to instigate drama. She does give him her number, so this could come back to haunt us, but she also tells him not to “call [her] at all crazy hours, breathing heavy in my phone.” Strong advice.
Was this Kordell/Claudia storyline what you were expecting? Do you think any more will come of it, or was this just a failed attempt at a storyline? Are you as excited as I am to hear everyone say Roger Bobb’s name over and over next week? And finally, can someone, anyone, who lives in Charlotte please go to SportsOne and report back in the comments?
The Real Housewives of Atlanta