The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Porsha doesn’t need answers, she just needs diamonds
Last season, between Porsha, Cynthia, and Shereé, half of the Real Housewives of Atlanta were very into their houses — need I remind you of the mid-level mini mall complete with a massage parlor and a sad, empty bar in Chateau Shereé? — while not technically being…wives.
But in season 10, these women are going broke for matrimony, especially Porsha. Shereé had her invisible jailbird boyfriend last season, and Cynthia pretended to date that guy who perhaps had a whole other girlfriend, but Porsha was truly, truly single for the first time in a long time. And while I support any woman’s decision to be an independent radio host/hair product entrepreneur who don’t need no man (just the constant assistance of her sister even when she’s 14 months pregnant), I do love watching a currently coupled-up Porsha wiggle all over the place, acting like a cocker spaniel puppy in love.
Oh, certainly, Porsha’s five-month (allegedly) leap to being 100 percent sold on marrying a man is ill-advised. This man is lying about something, and she’s either being willfully ignorant about it, or just her regular brand of accidentally ignorant. But after being fired, getting re-hired, causing a number of physical altercations, throwing around false drugging allegations, and being cast out by most of the main cast in season 11, dating Dennis somehow seems to have turned Porsha into RHOA’s leading peach.
Probably because she’s the only one doing anything interesting. NeNe’s current life is, of course, compelling, but it’s difficult to watch the Leakes come to terms with the reality of Gregg’s cancer. Compare that to the easy, breezy, lover-girl status of watching Porsha try to convince her boyfriend that it’s completely normal that she uses his toothbrush every day, or the reveal that he left their Miami hotel room for four hours in the middle of the night and came back drunk. That leads to their first ever argument, which Porsha continues to categorize as being just about a toothbrush.
When we first check in with Porsha and Dennis they’ve just arrived in Miami for her birthday weekend, and the RHOA editors are trying to make us think Dennis is about to propose even though his knee isn’t even flinching in a downward direction and he’s holding a box the size of a Walkman. To Porsha’s dismay, Dennis is only gifting her with a Rolex, and later, a diamond Cartier cross necklace.
But the real gift is to us: watching these two weirdos sit 100 feet across from each other at the dinner table like a Victorian-era arranged royal marriage. Well, I should rephrase: Porsha is a weirdo. Dennis is just sort of…silent? He speaks only at a whisper and shares very little personal information, including last week when he said he knew Kandi. When Porsha asked how they knew each other, he said he didn’t know. The man is suspect for sure, but he does like to give diamonds, and Porsha sure does like to receive them.
Porsha tells Dennis that NeNe keeps asking her questions about him that she’s never even asked herself, like where he went to school or if he’s been married before. PORSHA. Do you remember that time you married a manipulative, secretive creep by mistake? Maybe asks some questions before you use an elaborate package delivery clipboard scheme to trick this question mark of a man into signing a marriage license.
Alas, I am speaking into a void here, and Porsha simply has to Porsha. “I ain’t ask none of this shit!” Porsha says. “I just been enjoying my good man. There’s probably some other bitch been asking all these questions and she probably somewhere by herself.” Ah yes, as that old saying goes: the opposite of loneliness is obliviousness.
The night ends, as far as we know, with Porsha talking Dennis out of going to the club by flinging her bountiful form across the bed instead. In the morning, while getting ready for the day ahead, Porsha asks Dennis to go get her “a toothbrush and an underarm shaver.” All of my friends have been really into taking that New York Times dialect quiz recently, and I feel as though “what do you call the tool you shave with” could be a question, except for the small fact that everyone in the English-speaking world calls it a razor, save Porsha, who calls it an “underarm shaver.” Anyway, Dennis delivers in the underarm shaver front, but the toothbrush is too soft to appropriately clean her “big ass teeth.”
Dennis doesn’t express any discernible vocal objection to Porsha’s resulting aggressive campaign to use his toothbrush, but he also doesn’t give up the location of its coveted hard bristles. “I use it every day at home!” Porsha cries. She doesn’t understand why she can’t use it now, and I don’t understand what the hell is happening. Because all of a sudden when Porsha can’t find the toothbrush, she looks at Dennis much less playfully and says, “You wanna argue? Cool. We gonna argue about something real … So, where was you last night?”
I know every relationship is different, but ignoring the fact that your boyfriend disappeared in the middle of the night for most of the morning, only to have it explode out of you because he wouldn’t let you use his very personal hygiene item is…new to me! Dennis’ telling response to the question regarding his 2 a.m. whereabouts: “Huh?”
He soon elaborates that his homeboy is staying at the same hotel so, “We came back here and we was kickin’ it.” Porsha asks if he was just downstairs, why did he stay out for hours and come back to the room drunk? Dennis says he wasn’t drunk and he was only gone an hour, but Porsha says she knows from her text messages that he left at 1:30 a.m. and she checked to see if he was okay at 4:30 a.m. Excuse me, that’s 4:30 a.m. and your boyfriend isn’t home, and he’s not giving you any answers, and you don’t even know what college he went to or if he’s one of those adults who’s super into Disney World or if he votes?!
(Recap continued on next page…)
Porsha says in her testimonial during this fight, “Oh my god, I’m supposed to be hiding my crazy, this man is never going to propose!” But this isn’t crazy. Asking your boyfriend to account for where he was from 1:30 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. and expecting truthful answers is not insane. And Porsha, who would give up breathing air and grow gills to live at sea if it meant being able to get married to a rich merman, is a prime subject for this nonsense. After some time has apparently passed, we hear Porsha say, “Now that things have cooled off a bit, I realize I went too far. Like, really Porsha? … I normally don’t ask Dennis a bunch of questions because ignorance is bliss; I’m enjoying how things are right now, so why mess it up?” Oh, girl.
If you’re noticing this is an exorbitant amount of Porsha content, that’s because everyone else in the cast is wrapped up in Porsha’s plan to surprise NeNe at her Miami comedy show to show their support over Gregg’s diagnosis.
The crew includes Kandi, who has only recently become cordial with Porsha, and Marlo, who hasn’t quite gotten there. As you might recall, they got in a nearly physical fight last year over a welcome mat, and then Marlo chased Porsha around a party dressed like Nisi from B*A*P*S. And things stand to go even better on this trip because Porsha has planned all the accommodations and says, “If anyone complains about their room on this trip, they’re a selfish bitch,” and Marlo is…well, Marlo.
Marlo doesn’t just complain about the size of her room, she takes the in-room elevator to the penthouse suite soon to be inhabited by Porsha, moves all her stuff into it, and redirects the bellhop delivering Porsha’s luggage to the smaller room she was assigned. “I was wondering what’s in Marlo’s bags, but I just figured it out,” Eva snarks: “Her sense fo entitlement is in these six bags!”
But put a pause on that because it’s time for all the women to surprise NeNe. Even though I personally hate being surprised, I love watching other people get surprised. And even though NeNe, like me, says she doesn’t like being surprised, she’s clearly moved that all of her closest coworkers came out to her show.
One standard joke about Kandi “licking coochie,” one cameo from Loni Love, and 100 sweet moments from Gregg later, and all the ladies head out to dinner in Miami. And against all odds, including Porsha finding out that Marlo spread all of her thirsty designer goods all over her hotel room, the two women that end up going out to the club are Porsha and Marlo. And I don’t understand why we never get to see these scenes because the quick clip we do get includes a pair of hands with a French manicure inexplicably giving Marlo a full on massage.
In the morning, Porsha puts on everything of Marlo’s that’s still in her room including her Versace jumpsuit, her Fendi slides, and her hair bonnet. When Marlo arrives uninvited to use the suite for her morning glam, she finds it funny, and the two have a makeup breakfast that’s actually pretty mature for both of them. Porsha says that she’s never disliked Marlo, she just finds her limits unpredictable, and Marlo says her bluntness can get her into trouble, but she’ll always tell Porsha what she’s thinking.
So, my only remaining question is: does Marlo really travel with a monogrammed wine glass? Also: is NeNe selling fake Birkin bags in her new Miami Swaggalicious boutique? Okay, and one more: was Marlo just…walking up to cars as the crew walked two blocks to Swaggalicious and saying, “Uber?” Is that how she thinks Uber works?
I’ve got questions, but it’s Kandi who seems to have all the answers — or at least the tea — about Porsha’s mysterious future-fiance. See you back here next week to sort through it all, or hit me up on Twitter with any and all of your opinions on RHOA and traveling glassware!
The Real Housewives of Atlanta