November 06, 2017 at 12:06 AM EST

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Current Status
In Season

Porsha says that Phaedra texted her for her birthday, but they mostly haven’t communicated. As she understands it, “what she did to me is something she felt like she had to do to get back at Kandi,” which is simply an insane lens through which to view Phaedra’s lies. But perhaps more insane is that Porsha goes on to use the word “collateral” with 80 percent accuracy when explaining how Phaedra used her. As for Kandi, Porsha “had meant to call her,” but she knows that Kandi needs time, “and I’m ready to allow time to heal this whole situation.” Yes, Porsha. Time is definitely an even trade for the groveling apology Kandi is owed.

Nene thinks she might also be due an apology from Porsha, as she tells Sheree at her new boutique, Swag Boutique. After Sheree evaluates Nene’s new business venture, she says it’s cute but not as upscale as her own former boutique. And y’all, I am not exaggerating when I say that the wig She by Sheree wears while talking about how high-end she is rivals Nene’s life-altering tiki hut wig from two seasons ago. I don’t have a piece of tape over my laptop’s webcam because I don’t understand technology, so I would like to take this opportunity to say that if there is anyone out there cyber-spying on me, all will be forgiven and I might even pay you money if you can send footage of me seeing Sheree’s new wig for the first time. It looked like straw having a panic attack.

Anyway, Nene says that she and Porsha haven’t spoken for nearly two years, she thinks, because she gave Porsha the advice that she needed to stop physically assaulting people on their last reunion show together, and Porsha didn’t like it. Porsha never says what started her not being friends with Nene, but she says it’s Nene who’s out there currently talking mess about her, referencing a clip from Watch What Happens Live where Nene said that “Frick and Fraud” shouldn’t be on the show anymore for what they did to Kandi. Porsha explains this to Sheree as they shop for wigs to wear to Cynthia’s Cynthia-themed birthday party, and I don’t know, but I like to imagine it’s where Sheree bought The Wig That Changed My Life.

Finally, it’s time for the 50 Shades of Cynthia party, where Noelle rightly tells her mom that she doesn’t even look 40, let alone 50. She’s trying to rebuild Cynthia’s self-esteem a little bit after she hears from Peter that he’s not coming the party and then proceeds to awkwardly say, “I’m good, I’m good, I’m good,” what I would estimate to be 17,000 times in a row. But who cares if Peter isn’t there — everyone at this party dressed up like her, and they clearly had fun doing it. No one looks better than Kandi, who went as one of Cynthia’s modeling shots where she had her hair rolled with Coke cans. She wins the walk-off and sings the Marilyn Monroe version of “Happy Birthday” to the real Ms. Bailey. But no Housewives party can be all fun (actually, most of them can’t be any fun)…

Sheree insists that Porsha and Nene need to talk out their differences, and you can barely even hear the small producer she keeps tucked into her cleavage at all times. She literally marches Nene and Porsha over to each other and they prepare for battle. And in some ways, Porsha may have the upper hand on this one — she’s been on the show more recently, she’s pathologically incapable of copping to any wrongdoing, and Nene did say she should be fired just a few weeks ago — but there’s just no way Porsha ever comes out on the winning side of this. Porsha thinks she can play with big dogs, and she’s definitely had her share of rumbles, but she still feels like the sophomore who got invited to senior prom and is just barely keeping from vomiting up Arbor Mist in the back of the limo.

Porsha brings up the Watch What Happens Live clip and says she could roll it right now, but Nene says she never said the word “fired” (she technically didn’t — true big dogs always come prepared) and if Porsha isn’t prepared to go back to the beginning of their falling out, then there’s no point in having this conversation. Nene walks away, the episode ends, and I head to bed in anticipation of wig-filled dreams and drama-filled Sunday nights for the duration of this season, which is to say, the next 100 weeks.

What did you think of the season 10 premiere? Would you throw a you-themed birthday party? If you did, how would your friends look? Would anyone have a soda can in their hair, and how much boobage would be on display? Sound off in the comments!

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