Friends don't let friends lose their weave just because they're losing their temper
What happened on Sunday’s episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta? To quote NeNe Leakes, “PLENTY OF THINGS.” There was the end of one fight, the beginning of another, and of course, a Housewife giving an explanation for going on a girls trip that if you play it backwards sounds like, The producers promised us business class and an Auntie Anne’s pretzel if we’d go on a trip to create drama.
What Sheree actually said is, “I think [the trip to San Francisco] could be good for the girls. We could leave all of our drama and beefs behind and just enjoy ourselves.” Sheree. SHEREE. I am perfectly happy with you being a producer’s pawn while cosplaying as Storm from the X-Men in your confessional, but everyone knows “girls trips” in the Housewives universe are the Petri dish in which drama and beef are created. You are not fooling anyone, Sheree, but I also respect you for that sweatsuit and puffer vest combo you wore to a nice dinner — game recognizes comfy game.
There is, of course, another petri dish in which the Housewives create their beef strains: the unnecessary theme party. That’s where we pick back up with certainly my favorite title card in the history of RHOA: “NeNe’s Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soiree.” Kim is suggesting to Kenya that they have a dialogue (“LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BITCH”) regarding Kenya’s comments about Kim’s entrepreneurial efforts with her daughter (pimping out said daughter in exchange for John Legend tickets). Kenya once more inquires where Kim might be hiding her penis because of the large erection she seems to have for the details of Kenya’s personal life.
It’s all very civilized. Well, except for the words and the actions and the glass throwing. This fight really has it all. Kim jumps out of her seat, saying, “You will not talk about my motherf—ing daughter; that’s where you crossed a motherf—ing line.” Kenya sits calmly on her couch while Sheree holds Kim back, and suddenly Kroy is in the mix, pulling Kim outside, but not before she throws a glass that shatters all over the coffee table. Kenya doesn’t flinch.
No matter your personal feelings about Kenya, you must admit that she came correct for this showdown. She was prepared, she was organized, she was calm, and she executed — and she didn’t even have to stand up to do it. All the while, Kim is flailing and screaming like a maniac, too distracted by Kenya’s comments to get in any of her own (unless you count every possible variation of “motherf—ing” as a sufficient read). But even as all of this is going down, it’s impossible not to be distracted by all of the amazing elements surrounding this throwdown, which I will now list in descending order of greatness:
3. Poor Gregg shuffling into the room when he heard the commotion. The man never asked for a Girls and Gays Seafood Soiree at his home, but he allowed it, and now he just wants to sneak a few scallops to take back upstairs while he watches his mystery stories and tries to avoid having a heart attack, only to discover that two women are shouting about bl– jobs and hard-ons in his living room.
2. I very much enjoyed NeNe and Gregg trying to clean up the mess in their living room after Kim threw the glass. These people are so outlandish at all times, I forget they have to do things like sweep and remember to buy more paper towels. Reality TV stars — they’re just like us (when our friends get in violent fights in our homes)!
1. Those two party guests’ perfectly shocked (and thrilled) faces staring through the window when Kim threw the glass. They are us. We are them. We are all blessed.
“Don’t mess with my man, my money, or my kids,” says Kim, the woman who started this by talking non-stop s— about Kenya’s husband. Cynthia says that she generally believes that no one should mention someone else’s child, “However, I don’t think Kim was going to leave Kenya alone until she got a response.” Which is actually a pretty astute observation — what was Kim aiming for, other than camera time? Well…it was probably just the camera time. And she got it, but probably not how she expected it. NeNe also believes that kids are off limits, “But you can’t be posting stuff about your own child sucking dick and then be mad when somebody else say she sucked a dick.” Ah, yes, the other Golden Rule.
NeNe is referring to the tweet that Kim sent to Chrissy Teigen saying, “sooo ur hubby is comin to ATL may19 & Kash is beyond OBSESSED w him! who does Brielle have to blow in order to meet him?? LOL.” Lol, indeed! That’s necessary context in order to understand why when Kim and Sheree go over to Porsha’s house just down the street to tell her what just went down, she says that Kenya said she pimped her daughter out for John Legend tickets for her “injured son.” The latter, we all know, Kenya didn’t say. But what are facts when it comes to tweet-related reads and John Legend tickets. (Recap continues on page 2)
Sheree says that she never heard Kenya say anything about Kim’s son, but the Bone Collector is happy to relay the quote to Kandi when breaking down the fight for her. Kandi immediately assesses that it doesn’t sound like something Kenya would say, but the more important news is that Sheree is asking Kandi to come on her “healing” San Francisco trip. Kandi isn’t keen to leave her kids again, but when she hears that Kenya and Kim are both supposed to be going, as well as potential blowup partners Porsha and NeNe, she’s in.
Sadly, Kenya’s paternal grandmother who raised her as a child has just passed away, so taking trips with any women who recently threw glass at her probably doesn’t sound particularly appealing. Cynthia comes over to comfort Kenya, and Kenya shows her a video of her grandmother telling the story about how she took Kenya when her biological mother wanted to give her away. And y’all, when that sweet little woman says, “That’s MY baby!” I had a nice little cry.
But there’s no time for human emotion on RHOA, only an ever-barreling train of wig throwing, drama serving, and a subtle thrum of terror. Kenya ultimately does decide to go on the trip, so thank goodness Kim bows out, because I don’t want to see a grieving woman pushed to her extremes. I just want to see women in their resting mental state get pushed to their extremes. And those women are Porsha and NeNe. Porsha thinks that maybe she shouldn’t go on this trip because she’s vegan, which — nope, there’s no explaining it. She also learns what a beet is from her sister. Big night for Porsha.
NeNe decides she’s going to need some backup to survive this trip, so she invites Marlo to come along without telling anyone else, using the reasoning, “Everyone knows Marlo and everyone has an opinion about Marlo…so I will just keep Marlo a surprise and then they’ll just have to deal with it.” Sure. Accepting the invitation inside NeNe’s closet, Marlo raises a glass: “A toast to me coming and making those heifers gaga with all our luggage and all our fabulous fashions.” Gotta respect a woman who, when given the opportunity, raises a toast to herself.
And let’s raise a toast to Sheree, who is giving a Daytime Emmy Award-worthy performance acting like she intends for this trip to San Francisco to be anything but a disaster. And, you know what, how about another toast to Marlo for her upcoming performance in the “Get You a Friend” category that truly brought a tear to my eye.
You see, the core cast of ladies all meet up, fly to San Fransisco, and do a decent job at avoiding being awkward even though many of them are sworn enemies and/or falsely accused each other of sexual assault. Sheree opens up on the ride to the hotel, telling the other women that she is in love with an incarcerated man named Tyrone. Everyone is proud of her for sharing, and they do not seem concerned that she shared she was in love with a man who’s in prison, who also neglected to mention to her that he would be going to prison while they were dating. But by the time Marlo pops in for her surprise, wearing a straight-up negligee with only sheer lace paneling from the crotch down, it’s time to get down to business. Seeing Marlo, Kenya says she isn’t surprised: “Marlo would show up to the opening of an envelope,” which is hilarious.
Before anyone can even dive into the bread basket, Sheree’s all, So, NeNe and Porsha, you guys are mad at each other, care to explore? NeNe seems to be mad that Porsha has said things about her on Dish Nation after NeNe has been so supportive of her in the past. Porsha seems to be mad that NeNe said she and Phaedra shouldn’t be allowed back on the show after what they did to Kandi. But they both mostly seem to be mad that the other won’t admit they’re mad. An excerpt:
NENE: No, I’m not upset, you’re upset.
PORSHA: So you were angry.
NENE: No, so you are angry.
PORSHA: You were angry.
NENE: You’re the one that’s in anger management!
PORSHA: But you need to be!
NENE: You need to be!
As you can imagine, it’s rather difficult to follow. NeNe gets so worked up while screaming about how not-mad she is, her top knot bun starts to come loose, and without saying anything or distracting from the fight, Marlo just comes up behind her and redoes the bun. It actually looks better than it did in the first place. As the fight escalates, Marlo mysteriously pulls a chair over to sit in between Porsha and NeNe. I don’t know where this is headed, but fingers crossed it turns into a full makeover montage. “F— YOU,” NeNe screams at Porsha as Marlo subtly begins taking her measurements in the background.