I was a little more affected by Cynthia’s ice cream date with her new beau William because it’s hard to forget consistently cringing like that for a full five-minute scene. These two are just so delightfully awkward and devoid of game. You look at them and they’re so beautiful, and then you listen to them and — well, why don’t I just give you an example of their pulsing chemistry:
WILL: Tell me about Lake Bailey.
CYNTHIA: I just live there.
I’ll wait while you take a cold shower…good? Good. Because you and I have an invitation to a party, and much like Diddy’s White Parties in the Hamptons, “NeNe’s Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirees” are not to be missed. There are girls, there are gays, there are (hopefully) a few bowls of Tide pens next to the shrimp cocktail, and of course, there is an argument so vicious you feel like you need to squeegee a handkerchief straight through both ear holes just to try to unhear the horror
From the moment Kim Zolciak feigns not being able to recall Kenya’s name when chatting with Sheree about who will be at NeNe’s party, saying, “What about the other girl, the f—ing dumb bitch at your house?” you know things probably aren’t going to go great once these two run into each other again. As Sheree notes in this very normal sentence, “It’s been almost a year since Kim and Kenya had their huge blowup regarding my basement.” You know…how you’re always starting lifelong feuds with strangers while either defending or attacking your other friend’s basement? It’s been a year since that.
But tonight, we’re dealing with more than unfinished basements. And nothing gets a Housewife going quite like their house husbands. See, Kim has heard that Kenya married “a fan” in her recent suspect nuptials and she thinks something is up. Kenya often misses the mark on her beef with others, but she is not wrong that Kim is like a dog with a bone in coming for her every chance she gets. So this time, I guess…Kenya is ready.
Now, I don’t want to give Kenya any credit for the actual content of her argument, because everything she says is certified Grade-A awful, but for sheer force of will, she gets top marks. It’s hard to out-awful Kim Zolciak in a verbal assault, and Kenya went there. But not without a little prodding. NeNe’s party is quite the collection of Ghosts of Housewives Past and Present. There’s the whole current cast except for Porsha and Kandi; there are Friends-of-the-Wives Marlo and Derek J; and there are OG Housewives visitors Kim and Lisa Wu. Once Sheree comes in with Kim, the whole crew decides that rather than sweat on two white couches outside, they’d rather scream on two white couches inside.
Kim believes that something isn’t adding up about Kenya’s marriage, so once Marlo casually tells Kenya that she can’t wait to meet her new husband, Kim delicately makes her thoughts known: “It ain’t gonna f—ing happen bitch because he don’t f—ing exist.” (Kim doesn’t have a cigarette with two inches of ash teetering precariously in between her fingers while she says this, but it’s okay if, like me, you imagine that she does.) Kenya ignores her. The other gals chime in about how they haven’t met Kenya’s hubby yet either, and, wanting to be part of the fun girl time, Kim seethes, “It’s all a bunch of LIES, a bunch of BULLS—.” Kenya ignores her. Marlo says maybe they can eat at his restaurant in Brooklyn. Kim says, “He don’t exist.”
Finally, Kenya unleashes. Boy, does she ever. “Why do you have such a hard-on for me?” Legitimate question! Kenya continues, “Didn’t they cut it off during your reassignment surgery?” Damn it, Kenya! You can never just let yourself win. You’re in the right here! This woman who doesn’t even know you is being mean to you, and you’ve been tolerating it — now is your time to rightfully tell her off. Now is not the time for your transphobic bulls—. She’s got to cut that stuff out! I almost don’t want to tell you about the rest of her barrage…almost.
Now, given, it’s also not great to insult someone’s kids. But Kenya is technically coming at Kim for offering up her daughter to “blow” whomever she needed to in order to score John Legend tickets (for the record, she tweeted this to John Legend’s wife). First, Kim and Kenya argue about whose husband is and isn’t real, then they list off all the parts of each other’s bodies that are fake or botched or ugly, etc. Then, when Kim says that Kenya is clearly hiding something, Kenya gives her infamous advisement: “Worry about your life and the daughter you pimp out for John Legend tickets.” It’s a very specific insult. Somehow…it gets more specific: “See whose dick she’ll suck for John Legend tickets, bitch!”
And, well, that’s just about all Kim can take from her favorite stranger, Kenya. She jumps up from her couch, yelling, “Let me tell you something, bitch!” Kenya volleys that line back at her. So Kim lunges toward Kenya screaming it once more, even louder. I ask you, reader: What are the odds this all ends in an unlikely friendship and Chrissy Teigen finally handing over those sweet, sweet John Legend tix?