What's in a (party) name? A LOT
Hello dear readers, I’d like to cordially invite you to “EW’s Housewives and Hot Takes Never-Ending All-Adjective Word Party Syntax Soiree!”
Or at least, that’s what I would call this recap if I were NeNe Leakes and — for truly unknowable reasons — trying to come up with the most complicated, semi-offensive theme for an already-themed party recap. Now, if NeNe Leakes were trying to explain the RHOA episode in which her now-infamous “NeNe’s Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soiree” party took place, that explanation might sound a little something like this: These bitches are looking for a RAISE today, hunny!
Of course, I’m not NeNe Leakes; I’ve never worn a tiki hut as a wig, all the Greg(g)s I know leave off that third stylistic “g,” and I was under the impression that the good Lord would strike you dead off this Earth if you so much as considered parking in a handicap space without the legal need to do so. But Ms. Leakes and I were left sporting similarly gaping fish-mouth expressions following the final moments of this RHOA hour, during which a new Guinness World Record was set for most offensive, awful, frightening, abusive things said in a sub-20-second span.
It’s pretty impressive that in an episode where it was revealed that Kenya has an intern (may god have mercy on her unpaid soul) and NeNe called Porsha “an angry bitch” who “done acted like Kandi done drugged her and wanted to eat her p—y,” the only thing I can think about are those final 20 seconds. So let me just hit you with the most insane lines up top, so you can ruminate on them until we’re finally able to step inside to the central A/C and really get down to the messy business:
- “Why do you have such a hard-on for me, didn’t they cut it off during your reassignment surgery?” (Allow me to briefly roll out my first UGH of the recap here.)
- “Worry about your life and the daughter you pimp out for John Legend tickets!”
- Let me tell you something, bitch!
- Let me tell you something, bitch!
But before all that, Cynthia goes on an ice cream date and Kandi has a photo shoot, y’all! Everything is fine, and no one’s offspring is allegedly available to do any unsavory acts to John Legend or any other Grammy Award winners.
Gregg is back from the hospital, and though he’s back to shuffling around the house in his linens like everything is fine, they’re going to need to keep an eye on his heart health. Perhaps in celebration of Gregg’s return from the hospital, NeNe decides to host a party that seems to be for every single person in Atlanta except for her husband. It starts off being an “all-white” party, then expands into being a “girls and gays” party, and as if that weren’t enough, the theme for some reason becomes “never forget” because Porsha told NeNe she hadn’t been to her house when she actually has been to her house…or something.
As you well know by now, the theme ultimately becomes “NeNe’s Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soiree,” but at the party it becomes clear that the invitations came with some sort of “bring your favorite gay” directive, because the Housewives franchise and its members constantly treat gay men like accessories and it f—ing sucks, just ask Derek J (if either of you can make it across a football field expanse of grass in 6-inch stilettos, that is).
Sheree meets with her “life coach” for a second time. His name is still Jack Daniels, and he continues to endear himself to me by doing things like compulsively saying to Sheree’s son Kairo, “Oh you’re nice and tall,” when he unexpectedly encounters him. They talk more about Sheree’s need to speak straightforwardly with her children about Bob’s abuse, and Jack Daniels asks her when she’s going to make that happen: “I don’t believe in making goals without deadlines.” I don’t believe in taking secondhand inspiration via a reality TV life coach, Jack, but here I am: inspired.
Also in need of a little life coaching (or perhaps — here’s a wacky idea — a certified therapist) are Porsha and her sister Lauren, but they settle for having their cousin Tiffany mediate their business conflict. Lauren admits that she was in a bad place for their fight that took place in the last episode, and Porsha’s repeated use of “my business” triggered Lauren’s concerns over being pushed out of their “empire” as it continues to “grow.” Porsha hugs her crying sister and tells her that she’d never leave her behind, and she’s doing this all for them both. I’ll say, for a selfishly deranged narcissist, Porsha does seem to be quite supportive of her little sister.
In real-life-exciting news (which is to say boring-reality-TV news), Kandi was asked to be on the cover of Essence magazine’s “confidence issue,” which really is a big deal, and obviously a huge moment in her life. She wears a fabulous wavy ombre bob wig and beautiful clothes, and she looks great. Later, a group of 10 women wearing all white get in an insane fight and call each other’s children and husbands fake prostitutes, so trying to remember anything about this story line is kind of like trying to remember how to write a “z” in cursive — nearly impossible, and the final result is almost definitely wrong. (Recap continues on page 2)
I was a little more affected by Cynthia’s ice cream date with her new beau William because it’s hard to forget consistently cringing like that for a full five-minute scene. These two are just so delightfully awkward and devoid of game. You look at them and they’re so beautiful, and then you listen to them and — well, why don’t I just give you an example of their pulsing chemistry:
WILL: Tell me about Lake Bailey.
CYNTHIA: I just live there.
I’ll wait while you take a cold shower…good? Good. Because you and I have an invitation to a party, and much like Diddy’s White Parties in the Hamptons, “NeNe’s Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirees” are not to be missed. There are girls, there are gays, there are (hopefully) a few bowls of Tide pens next to the shrimp cocktail, and of course, there is an argument so vicious you feel like you need to squeegee a handkerchief straight through both ear holes just to try to unhear the horror
From the moment Kim Zolciak feigns not being able to recall Kenya’s name when chatting with Sheree about who will be at NeNe’s party, saying, “What about the other girl, the f—ing dumb bitch at your house?” you know things probably aren’t going to go great once these two run into each other again. As Sheree notes in this very normal sentence, “It’s been almost a year since Kim and Kenya had their huge blowup regarding my basement.” You know…how you’re always starting lifelong feuds with strangers while either defending or attacking your other friend’s basement? It’s been a year since that.
But tonight, we’re dealing with more than unfinished basements. And nothing gets a Housewife going quite like their house husbands. See, Kim has heard that Kenya married “a fan” in her recent suspect nuptials and she thinks something is up. Kenya often misses the mark on her beef with others, but she is not wrong that Kim is like a dog with a bone in coming for her every chance she gets. So this time, I guess…Kenya is ready.
Now, I don’t want to give Kenya any credit for the actual content of her argument, because everything she says is certified Grade-A awful, but for sheer force of will, she gets top marks. It’s hard to out-awful Kim Zolciak in a verbal assault, and Kenya went there. But not without a little prodding. NeNe’s party is quite the collection of Ghosts of Housewives Past and Present. There’s the whole current cast except for Porsha and Kandi; there are Friends-of-the-Wives Marlo and Derek J; and there are OG Housewives visitors Kim and Lisa Wu. Once Sheree comes in with Kim, the whole crew decides that rather than sweat on two white couches outside, they’d rather scream on two white couches inside.
Kim believes that something isn’t adding up about Kenya’s marriage, so once Marlo casually tells Kenya that she can’t wait to meet her new husband, Kim delicately makes her thoughts known: “It ain’t gonna f—ing happen bitch because he don’t f—ing exist.” (Kim doesn’t have a cigarette with two inches of ash teetering precariously in between her fingers while she says this, but it’s okay if, like me, you imagine that she does.) Kenya ignores her. The other gals chime in about how they haven’t met Kenya’s hubby yet either, and, wanting to be part of the fun girl time, Kim seethes, “It’s all a bunch of LIES, a bunch of BULLS—.” Kenya ignores her. Marlo says maybe they can eat at his restaurant in Brooklyn. Kim says, “He don’t exist.”
Finally, Kenya unleashes. Boy, does she ever. “Why do you have such a hard-on for me?” Legitimate question! Kenya continues, “Didn’t they cut it off during your reassignment surgery?” Damn it, Kenya! You can never just let yourself win. You’re in the right here! This woman who doesn’t even know you is being mean to you, and you’ve been tolerating it — now is your time to rightfully tell her off. Now is not the time for your transphobic bulls—. She’s got to cut that stuff out! I almost don’t want to tell you about the rest of her barrage…almost.
Now, given, it’s also not great to insult someone’s kids. But Kenya is technically coming at Kim for offering up her daughter to “blow” whomever she needed to in order to score John Legend tickets (for the record, she tweeted this to John Legend’s wife). First, Kim and Kenya argue about whose husband is and isn’t real, then they list off all the parts of each other’s bodies that are fake or botched or ugly, etc. Then, when Kim says that Kenya is clearly hiding something, Kenya gives her infamous advisement: “Worry about your life and the daughter you pimp out for John Legend tickets.” It’s a very specific insult. Somehow…it gets more specific: “See whose dick she’ll suck for John Legend tickets, bitch!”
And, well, that’s just about all Kim can take from her favorite stranger, Kenya. She jumps up from her couch, yelling, “Let me tell you something, bitch!” Kenya volleys that line back at her. So Kim lunges toward Kenya screaming it once more, even louder. I ask you, reader: What are the odds this all ends in an unlikely friendship and Chrissy Teigen finally handing over those sweet, sweet John Legend tix?