Consider me living in absolute A Quiet Place-style fear of the next RHOA reunion. And, yes, I am starting off the Reunion’s part two recap by talking about the still unseen part three installment. Because I know what’s coming — no one would ever suggest that I need to shut up and look pretty. At the end of a long weekend, I look like I’ve rolled around on the floor of the lesser Bar One after a sliders’ happy hour and, along with Kandi, am here to tell you that the future is nigh and it is an incomprehensible expanse of screams and bleeps.
The mood during part two, however, was almost…friendly? Not, like, run across the hall to grab a full lasagna dinner at your neighbors’ Monica and Rachel kind of friendly, but definitely wave at your neighbor from across the grocery store and duck into an aisle you don’t need to be in just to avoid an uncomfortable interaction kind of friendly. Kenya and Porsha kept it real with each other during the breaks without having to pull even a single weave. Kandi and Porsha finally made a peaceful plan to move forward that seemed genuine. Eva, possibly moments away from going into labor within the near vicinity of what I can only imagine was a lethal level of body glitter, managed to offer a sincere message about not outing the LGBQT community.
And one of the most toxic trends among the Atlanta (and, occasionally New Jersey) Housewives — accusing each other of being prostitutes — was finally put to rest with a rambunctious conversation that ended in Andy Cohen declaring, “From this moment on, you will not refer to each other as prostitutes.” This is real change, people! Until, of course, someone followed up the prostitution pact with an”unless you are” amendment. Because a Housewife’s gotta house like a househusband’s gotta drive the car and wear the matching Halloween costume and deliver coolers to your dressing room.
With the shade mostly hovering between “sassily fond” and “not worth wearing off my lipgloss for this nonsense,” this was also a particularly funny reunion installment. Andy was equal-opportunity-clowning on everyone, the ladies were joking around with each other about “Who Said That?!” and Wakanda and how Cynthia should explore her clear attraction to women, and it was all rather humorous. Allll the way until Kim finally took the stage. Well, that’s not entirely true; Kim had one hilarious thing to say when CEO of Shade Andy Cohen told her she looks younger now than she did when the show started 10 years ago: “Well, I think it has a lot to do with makeup,” she replies.
Before that Sephora suit rolls in and the Kim hits the fan, let’s batten down the lace-fronts, tuck a couple moleskin patches in our cleavage so we don’t have to hobble toward the death of our eardrums in slippers, and briefly summarize how part two treated everyone else:
KANDI & PORSHA
Oh yes, here we are again with Kandi and Porsha — and they don’t like it any better than we do. After Kandi repeats for possibly the one gajillionth time that Porsha’s apology is a backhanded one, and that their arguing last season wasn’t an excuse to say something so serious even if she heard it, Porsha clears her throat and does her very best: “I’m not putting any blame on you… I hear you loud and clear. It was a bad choice, and I wish I wasn’t a part of it. If that is what you were missing, you have it today. I apologize for the situation, and there is no but.” It doesn’t matter if Kandi believes it, all that matters is that they shake on letting it go today, so that no one can ever talk to them about it again. In Andy Cohen’s name we pray, amen.
NENE & MARLO
Andy first asks about the friendship Kandi and NeNe have formed after years of WE SEE OTHA’! antics, and they say that it was very deliberate; they decided to make a conscious effort not to shade each other unnecessarily. It’s all very mature. Then Marlo comes into the picture.
She and NeNe have also rekindled their friendship, and Kenya can’t believe it because…well, Kenya hates Marlo. Marlo doesn’t appreciate that Kenya keeps calling her a prostitute so Andy asks Marlo how does she make her money? “I dated a billionaire,” she says simply, and that, along with investment and a definitely fake business she calls “Simply Marlo LLC,” have bought her home, her mother’s home, and her Aston Martin. But mostly, it’s the billionaire who is definitely not Ted Turner — definitely not.
CYNTHIA & EVA
Noelle might be the only person in Cynthia’s life that she really knows. At various points in the reunion she says she’s still getting to know Andy Cohen after eight years of him being her boss, she’s still getting to know Porsha, and she was getting to know lame Will for like a year without ever, y’know, biblically getting to know him (a loss that Andy, a stranger, mourns for her). For example, she still doesn’t really know if he was single when he started dating her, even though Eva clearly states that she met his girlfriend in the same month that he started seeing Cynthia. Now she’s dating someone more her type, and I’m sure they’ll have a great time getting to know each other until Baby Ace’s high school graduation.
AND FINALLY, KIM
Kim is onstage for maybe eight minutes in Sunday’s episode, and she is nearly eviscerated with the sheer disdain coursing at her from almost everyone on stage. Was it just me or did she seem legitimately scared when she shuffled out in her slippers, red bottoms in one hand, red cup in the other, and not a sip of credibility in sight? This woman just came out here to lie about any number of things that can be proven with physical evidence, including her own face. Andy starts off subtly by asking, “What’s the end game on the lips?” That’s a big IDK from Kim.
Then Kim says she never suggested that Cynthia is lucky she’s beautiful because she’s not capable of much else shortly before footage rolls of Kim saying that Cynthia is lucky she’s beautiful because she’s not capable of much else. Then Andy compares Kim’s pivoting tendencies to Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Then Kim asks, “Who the hell is that?” Then Kim says she never saw NeNe at the mall or took a photo of her car in a handicapped spot shortly before footage rolls of Kim saying she saw NeNe’s car in a handicap spot at the mall and took a picture. Then, before you can even focus your eyes on the deranged faces Kim is making, the screen is nothing but bleeps and blonde hair. What they are saying is truly unknowable, so let’s all just give ourselves this last week of peace before we see and hear things we can never unsee or unhear. I wish you well, my friends, and may Andy Cohen have mercy on your eardrums.