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Ah, yes, the classic RHOA transition episode: We begin at the end of a party and end at the beginning of a girls trip — it just doesn’t get more Real Housewives than that. When you add in that Marlo is hammered the majority of the episode, Kenya is talking ad nauseam about her husband, Cynthia is being far too generous with all the gross men around her, Kim is treating her 17-person family like an unlimited car service, Kandi is completely absent from the fray, NeNe is making an entire one-act play out of eating a bread basket, and Sheree is coining the phrase “fraggle nackle bull crap”…
Well, then we are really just firing on all thematic RHOA cylinders, aren’t we? But even if the episode is consistent, there’s not really a lot happening here. Cynthia is recovering from her sketchy new boy toy getting fully called out by planning a trip to Barcelona, so of course, all I want to talk about are the insane outfits these women choose to wear to the airport for a 10-hour flight. Though they all could have easily gone shopping for sweat suits at Sheree’s house, Porsha has chosen to wear some kind of Judy Jetson jumpsuit, and I swear NeNe is wearing a pair of earrings that connect like the spectacle chain of an elderly librarian. Don’t these women have enough to worry about without tempting the yeast-infection-and-torn-earlobes fates?
Among those should-be concerns are those raised by Eva regarding Cynthia’s date at Kandi’s party last week. At the end of the hour, when Cynthia was like, Okay, y’all tell me if anyone else knows anything bad about the dude I’m dating, Porsha was all, Sure, I’ll saddle up for an impromptu tea party. But Porsha’s tea isn’t too specific, more of the generic Sleepy Time variety: She’s heard that Will is dating someone else, but choosing to date Cynthia, “like as an opportunist.” “Opportunist” is one of those words that I’ve probably never used in casual conversation but that remain as vital to the RHOA women’s vocabulary as “hunny” or “the blogs” or “NeNe’s Girls and Gays Never Forget All-White Party Seafood Soiree.”
And what does Will have to say about being an opportunist? Well, he’s incredibly defensive when Cynthia asks him about it, and spits, “What opportunity am I gonna get from being around you?” as a reality TV camera points up at him. Without ever denying that he has another girlfriend — and while somehow managing to mention that his house has a theater room — Will repeatedly turns all of the accusations of his shadiness back around on Cynthia. It’s pretty classic manipulative behavior, and even if Cynthia doesn’t dog him on TV, I hope there’s no going back to that bozo for her.
And speaking of manipulative opportunists! Mama Joyce told Porsha at the end of Kandi’s party that she wanted to get together with her, so they meet up for a meal of Brussels sprouts and gritted teeth. Mama Joyce has been trying her very hardest all season to not seem quite so much like a shark wearing people clothes, and she succeeds in letting Porsha explain that she put her trust in the wrong pint-sized (former) member of the RHOA cast, when she should have known that the other pint-sized member of the RHOA cast wouldn’t really try to drug her. For some reason Mama Joyce is cool with that and tells Porsha, “I’mma be honest witcha: You a ride-or-die damn chick, I’m serious.” And I’m serious that this was a very bizarre scene, and a duo that I would be happy to never see together again.
Kenya goes to the gynecologist to see if she’s pregnant at 46 and gives us approximately 47 new red-flag statements about her husband/marriage, including, “Marc is looking forward to having a baby and I just don’t want to let him down more than anything.” Okay, well Marc is going to have to get realistic, and be open to some alternative conception methods, and ideally not send creepy texts like this one: “My job is to be strong in the storm. All you have to be is worth it — you have been, especially recently.” I can’t be the only one who’s creeped out by Marc’s assessing of how “worth it” his wife has and has not been at various points in the marriage, can I?
It likely will not shock you to find out that Kenya won’t be going on the How Cynthia Got Her Groove Back trip to Barcelona, nor should it surprise you to learn that Cynthia has been scouting the best rates on Airbnb. “I don’t know if I’m too positive about abc.com, honey,” says NeNe in response. I loved this dinner scene — it was like watching your two aunties try to plan a family reunion, but for some reason one of them is dressed like she’s going to Coachella, and the other is dressed like her ex-husband Peter. (Recap continues on page 2)