Welcome to the final installment of The Real Housewives of Atlanta season 10 reunion, where the craziest happening was not Mandy from Pikesville, Maryland, asking Porsha why she called Kim’s eldest child a “ho daughter” to her face. Oh no, that top spot simply must be reserved for the last four minutes of Sunday night’s episode where Kim declared that racism isn’t real and that the black women who accused her of it owe the world an apology for even suggesting that racism could exist.
Or something like that. Honestly, it was impossible to figure out exactly what Kim was talking about. But I definitely know that while flies zoomed in and out of Kroy’s mouth, and Twitter-shaped fireworks went off in the reflection of Andy Cohen’s pupils, Kimberleigh Zolciak-Biermann said, “That b–ch knows I’m not racist” in one breath, and in the very next…well, this: “You know why you haven’t found another fucking white woman to sit on that couch? Because nobody’s fucking dumb enough!”
Cool, cool, cool. I thought I was coming into Part 3 of this reunion with the inability to be more disgusted with Kim, but between the White Woman Tears, the claim that she could not possibly be racist “in this day and age,” and the overall White Chicks aesthetic she was serving at the Reunion, I was proven completely wrong. Much like every single time Kim tried to claim she hadn’t said or done some heinous thing, only to have Hero No. 1 (Kenya) scream, “Roll the tape!” and Heroes 2-11 (The Editors) roll said tape proving Kim a delusional liar, as well as a racist. What an end!
But again, Kim declaring that racism is a social media construct and that five African American woman were “hammering” l’il-ole-her simply because she was lying about spreading rumors that they asked to “lick” her “box” didn’t happen until the last four minutes of the show when Hero No. 12, A Random Producer, came rushing past the various exiting Housewives hissing, “We need Andy and a camera now.” Finally, Lucky Hero No. 13 Andy Cohen stepped in to Kim’s private office — a public women’s restroom with Kroy hovering near the hand dryer — and gave us the Kim-closure this season desperately needed. After complaining that Andy didn’t ask her any positive questions on his tufted couches built for drama and shade, and reinforced with steel beams in case of a physical fight, Andy finally broke it down for Kim, whose brain is actually just a series of intertwining Nerds Ropes.
“There was nothing positive, unfortunately, in your story from this season,” Andy tells Kim. “Because your whole time on the show was combative — it was.” Now do the right thing and fire her ass, Mr. Cohen; Don’t Be Tardy for the Party takes on a whole new context when you realize that the Party for which Kim is Tardy is, in fact, Reality. To quote Hero No. 14 Kandi, quoting Hero No. 15 NeNe: THE DOOR IS CLOSED.
Now…these are the other things that happened at Kim’s Funeral, Part 3:
Kim and NeNe
What to say about Kim and NeNe? There was so much screaming anytime the conversation turned to them, it basically turned into white noise. I was hearing NeNe scream “Your mouth is wreckless!” and then I feel asleep, and when I woke back up she was screaming, “WHERE IS YOUR SCOOTER?!”… and then I fell asleep again, and when I woke back up again, NeNe was saying calmly, “Of course I pursued Tyrone.” That’s because Andy briefly tried to turn the conversation to Sheree, her jailbird boyfriend, and her jailbird boyfriend’s mysterious connection to NeNe. But when Kim chimed in randomly that Gregg was married when NeNe met him, things quickly derailed back into white noise screaming. Snooze; “WHAT ABOUT YOU DANCING AT OASIS FOR 20 YEARS?!”; snooze; “IN A NURSE’S OUFIT!”; snooze…you get the drift.
Kim & Kenya
Kenya: “Fix your double face the next time you go to the surgeon.”
Kim: < THAT FACE >
Kim and NeNe: Reprise
Andy asks Kim why she said that she thought NeNe was on drugs. Kim clarified that she didn’t mean, like, street drugs, then somehow manages to bring up that it was offensive that Kandi said Kim had a drinking problem…while talking about why it was fine that she suggested NeNe had a drug problem. It’s really something else. Kandi says that she only said Kim had a drinking problem because Kim told her that Kroy drives her everywhere so that she can always drink — which Kandi would classify as a bit of a problem. Kim says she didn’t say that. The editors roll the tape. And in reality, what did Kim say?
T H A T.
Kim & Kandi
I make fun of Kandi’s voice wobble, but I do love when it rises to the occasion of dragging someone for filth with the vibration of a thousand well-worked vocal cords. After everyone informs Kim that she’s the one who said she can’t drive because she has to drink, and she complains “Oh, it’s all me, it’s all me,” Kandi has had enough, “Yes, it’s you girl, don’t you see that?!” Reader, will you be surprised to hear that Kim does not see that? Kim demurs that the questions tonight are “gross,” and then the clip rolls of her suggesting that Kandi asked to “lick her box.” The whole room erupts into different arguments, until Kandi ends it all by screaming, “You sit over there watching us on television…you sit over there like a f–king fan and you make judgements.” Ah, yes, here we are at RHOA, where the worst thing you can be is a fan.
Kim & Everyone, Including but Not Limited To: Housewives, Camera Person, Boom Operator, Producers, Craft Services Coordinator, Sound Mixing, Story Editor, Foley Artists, and More
I can’t say that in season 1 of RHOA I ever could have predicted the words, “I want to talk about the roaches as a metaphor for racism” coming out of Andy Cohen’s mouth inside the illustrious Biltmore Ballrooms. But I could have predicted with 100 percent accuracy, down to the nasally tone of privilege, Kim’s ability to sit there and whine about being unfairly attacked for her racist microaggressions, rather than listen to the black women around her telling her exactly why her words and actions carried racial connotations. I never knew I needed NeNe screaming a life-affirming, “NOOOOOOOO!” like a soccer announcer shouting out the first goal of the game when asked if she would ever make up with Kim but, boy, am I thankful for it…
And hopeful that the volume, force, and proximity to Andy’s ear with which it was delivered just might make him listen. As always, thanks for reading and watching along with me this season. I hope that we can all spend the next six months recovering, hydrating, and maybe, just maybe, refraining from taking up any federally fraudulent lovers or allowing our children to film bugs inside any of our co-workers’ homes. Good night and good luck.