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January 02, 2017 at 10:00 PM EST

The fiercest Celebrity Apprentice task yet

It’s nice to see Arnold Schwarzenegger following Trump’s lead in the nepotism department by appointing his nephew, Patrick, as one of his advisors for the first two tasks. The other advisor was Tyra Banks, who was also there to promote her new Tyra Beauty product line that — wouldn’t you know it? — just happened to be the subject of the first challenge as the teams create a Tyra beauty experience with a 10-minute presentation.

So, clearly the guys were working at a major disadvantage here. For them to win this would be akin to when poker player Annie Duke bested professional musician Clint Black at a Chicken of the Sea jingle-writing task. Judge for yourself below.

The men had the somewhat brilliant idea of having them apply the makeup themselves to show how easy it was, but Project Manager Boy George was worried about having people like Vince Neil (who he said had never done makeup before) applying it to faces, proving Boy George is completely unfamiliar with the look of Shout at the Devil era-Crüe, which made Culture Club look positively au natural when it came to face paint.

What George should have been more concerned about were the double entendres his teammates kept dropping during their presentation. “If you use this on your eyes, you will get the stick,” said Jon Lovitz in one of the episode’s creepier moments. “Everyone wants a long, thick…eyelash,” teased Eric Dickerson (who then disappeared for the second task, perhaps out of shame). Granted, none of this talk was too over-the-top when compared to the previous host’s obscene conversations with one Billy Bush, but it was still a bit icky.

They won anyway, which led to Carrie Keagan being fired — her chief crime being she was evidently deemed not as interesting as Porsha.

Carnie’s big mistake

Carnie Wilson played this game like a clueless rookie, making the biggest Celebrity Apprentice mistake possible. No, not hogging the microphone like Patti LaBelle during “We Are the World” at Live Aid to start screaming “FRESH AND FIERCE!” at the top of her lungs, but rather neglecting to bring back someone to the Boardroom that would have been fired instead of her when she lost the second Trident jingle/video challenge.

Look, it has been firmly established that actual proficiency in a task has little to do with who gets the boot. The show wants to keep around the biggest names and the biggest personalities for as long as possible. So, if you are a huge celebrity (huge being a relative term in these parts) or a huge nutjob, then you can coast for a while with no fear of getting the axe. How else to explain seven people — SEVEN! — being cut loose before Gary Busey in season 4? Or eight people — EIGHT! — being fired before Busey when he came back in season 6?

So, when Carnie lost the second task, her move was obvious — bring back low-key and low-wattage Kyle Richards (who came up with the failing video concept). That is all she had to do, and she would have lived to play another day. But she instead brought back Lisa (the only person who was right in voicing concerns about the concept) and Snooki (who did nothing wrong and the show clearly wanted to keep around for comedic value). In essence, she pulled a Gene Simmons.

Back in season 1 — and yes, I hate myself for being able to pull season 1 Celebrity Apprentice facts out of my brain on command — the KISS bassist was the losing Project Manager on a Kodak challenge. Gene was TV gold, even in defeat insisting the Kodak executives were wrong and his “It’s a Kodak world — welcome” slogan was downright genius. No way Trump was going to fire him. But then the self-proclaimed Demon forced Trump’s hand, refusing to bring any sacrificial lambs back to the Boardroom with him and making the host fire him against his will. I honestly don’t think anything in the long, proud history of the show has ever pained Trump more.

That all happened because Gene was being stubborn. Here, Carnie was just being stupid. She had an easy out but didn’t realize the true rules of the game. And the rules are pretty much the same even if the person enforcing them is different. Speaking of which, it’s finally time to weigh in on the new Hostmaster General.

NEXT: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger do?

/ ( 2 of 3 )

Donald Trump, “you’re fired” — you know the drill.
type
TV Show
seasons
14
Genre
Status
On Hiatus
Network
Complete Coverage

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