Mindy discovers the cutthroat world of elite preschools.
So far, The Mindy Project has covered stay-at-home motherhood, working motherhood, nannies, and in-laws. What’s next for baby Leo? Finding him an elite preschool. Upper-class New York parenthood is all about preparing your offspring to become the country’s top neurosurgeon or a hedge fund manager, even if the baby is still wearing diapers and chewing on toys. When the moms at Leo’s music class say that they’re applying to Little Doorways Academy for Ethical Children because they want the best for their children, Gratitude and Sriracha, Mindy’s penchant for exclusivity kicks in, and she becomes set on having Leo attend. No matter what.
She snags an interview with the admissions director, Mrs. Guterman (Carolyn Hennesy), and she’s convinced she’s a shoo-in because she’s playing the race card. But even clad in a sari and speaking with an Indian accent doesn’t guarantee a spot. The school is hosting a parents night, and Danny has to be there for them to even consider accepting Leo. Unfortunately, he’s still in California, so Mindy has to find someone to pretend to be her husband.
Jody is doing some similar scheming, trying to find a pretend girlfriend. Anne Marie — his brother’s wife who he’s in love with — is visiting, and he needs someone to come to dinner with them to make sure he isn’t tempted by Anne Marie. So Jody and Mindy decide to be each other’s fake significant others.
Despite Mindy’s misgivings about Jody’s racist, sexist, and conservative nature, Jody turns on his charm at the parents night (where we learn that the kids learn glass-blowing and everyone is overly PC). In fact, he makes such a great impression that he fast tracks their application. All that’s left is a home visit the next morning, and then Leo will be set.
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But before that, Jody and Mindy have to make it through dinner with Anne Marie. Mindy is in her element, making up the story of her and Jody’s meet-cute and pretending she’s overcome anorexia. But the dinner soon goes downhill when she learns that Jody intentionally scheduled dinner that night so Colette wouldn’t make it. “I wasn’t the cockblock; I was the bait!” Mindy says. Indeed, Jody has not changed his despicable ways. At the dinner table, Mindy tries to foil his plan while Jody tries to get rid of her, and things get so weird that they have to admit to Anne Marie that it’s all fake.
When Mindy leaves, Jody confesses that he only brought her along to make Anne Marie jealous. While Anne Marie is flattered, she makes it clear that nothing will happen between them again because she’s never leaving her husband. (After all, they just bought a pool!)
The fact that they are never ever ever getting back together does not sit well with Jody, who proceeds to spend the night cozying up with Jack Daniel’s. When he meets Mindy the next morning for the home visit, he is disheveled and drunk out of his mind. Mindy hides him in the bedroom, and manages to keep the admissions director in the dark. Mrs. Guterman even believes Mindy’s excuse for why there are so many pictures of a “little Italian man” all around the apartment. Unfortunately, Jody comes out whining and reeking of whiskey before Mindy can secure Leo’s place at the academy. Mindy throws him into the shower and tries to water-torture him into saying he doesn’t love Anne Marie, but he can’t. “I just always looked up to my brother. I practically wanted to be him. Then he had this perfect, gorgeous wife,” Jody says. Aha! So he only loves the idea of Anne Marie. Just like how Mindy only loves the idea of an elite preschool.
Mindy tells Mrs. Guterman that she’s not interested anymore, to which she replies that she was ready to accept them: “An alcoholic and a mentally challenged Indian woman? That’s truly unique.” But Leo doesn’t need a haughty $70,000-a-year academy. Public school will do. Or worst-case scenario, Catholic school.
“Dr. Lahiri, Leo needs to go. He keeps pinching the other babies’ butts.” —Music teacher
“By Leo’s age, I was already singing our school song: Cry not for mother, books are your parents now.” —Jeremy on his prep school
Mindy: “Some of us have more important things on our mind then sex.”
Tamra: “Who the hell ordered a vibrating seat cushion with Oscar Isaac’s face on it?”
Mindy: “Just stick to noncontroversial topics, like the weather.”
Jody: “It is pretty cold out tonight. So much for so-called global warming.”
Mindy: “Damn it, this sucks.”
Anne Marie: “So who is she? Is she an escort?”
Mindy: “Exsqueeze me?! That is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me, thank you.”
By the numbers:
Number of cheeseburgers Mindy eats for lunch: 3
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