Freakin' Todd makes Phil's life extra-hard.
Last week, Phil confessed his love for Melissa and asked if she felt the same. She responded “no,” so he tried to play it cool by saying his confession was just practice for what he was going to say Carol. She didn’t buy it, he didn’t buy it, and we didn’t buy it—but everyone pretended to anyway.
You’d think that her flat-out rejection would force him to move on, but that… doesn’t happen. Instead, he has a sex dream about her set to Fine Young Cannibals’ “She Drives Me Crazy.” That’s nothing out of the ordinary for Phil, who has dreams like this all time. Then it turns out that the dream wasn’t entirely a figment of his subconscious: “She Drives Me Crazy” is, in real life, blasting on repeat in Melissa’s house.
There are only so many reasons why “She Drives Me Crazy” would be playing in Melissa’s house late at night, and most of them involve Todd (maybe all, but I’m not about to say Melissa’s a gal who doesn’t like solo dance parties). So Phil being Phil interrogates Todd about what’s going on between him and Melissa and gets the truth: They had sex. Lots of it. And “She Drives Me Crazy” got stuck playing over and over again because they were too busy having sex to do anything about it.
Todd’s having the time of his life, but Phil is distraught—so distraught that he heads to his pool and falls face-first into the margarita pool, then continues to scream underwater, much like Shailene Woodley’s heartwrenching scene in The Descendents. Phil’s underwater freakout isn’t so much heartwrenching as pitiful though, especially because he’s doing it in a pool filled with margarita. Dude’s got problems bigger than his crush sleeping with someone else.
But he chooses to focus on Melissa and decides to get rid of Todd by taking him on a drive and then leaving him out in the middle of nowhere. Todd goes along with the plan, thinking Phil’s going to show him the place where he likes to think. He spends the ride telling Phil all about sex with Melissa—they’re like animals! it’s like they’re teenagers!—and that only motivates Phil more and more to leave him. It motivated me too: I’m fine with Todd, but kissing and telling all is not classy, man.
So once they get far away from homebase, Phil proposes something’s wrong with the tire and asks Todd to check on it. While Todd’s outside the truck, Phil peels off—then stops, bangs the horn, and screams in anguish. He can’t do it, so he reverses… then moves forward again. Then reverses, then moves forward. This goes on for a while until Phil finally realizes he doesn’t have the heart to just leave Todd there. He also realizes he doesn’t have the heart Todd thinks he does: Later, Todd says, “You’re a really nice guy, Phil.” Todd’s genuineness is endearing and confirms why Melissa’s all over him—Phil, on the other hand, is left feeling like a phony. Because he is.
But Todd’s words motivate him to actually be a nice guy, so he puts on a Walter White-style hazmat suit to clean out the poop pool—a chore the others ordered he do—and makes an effort to be friendlier-than-usual to Carol, who has been having to wear dryer sheets in her nose to prevent her from smelling Phil’s poop pool. Note: Genius idea, but probably not safe—if you’re going to stick something up your nose, make it a tampon á la Amanda Bynes in She’s the Man.
This phase doesn’t last for long though. By nightfall, he’s back to feeling jealous of Todd, who both Melissa and Carol adore. I mean, who wouldn’t: He’s sweet, he’s helpful, he makes them sculptures. Everyone could use a Todd. But then something amazing—for Phil and everyone else—happens: Phil comes face to face with a cow. A real live cow. The kind that wasn’t supposed to ever live again. The kind that could bring actual meatballs back into the foursome’s lives.
NEXT: Meet the cow.
The cow is a bit like the Lost polar bear in that it’s never explained where it came from or how it’s still alive. As someone who’s still dying to know the details of the plague or whatever that knocked out most of the population, this drives me a little crazy. How it survived isn’t the point though. The point is that Phil came across a cow and that he has a chance to be the hero now. Goodbye, Todd!
But, surprise, surprise, Phil’s not the hero. Sure, everyone’s ecstatic to see a cow—but he’s trying hard to make it about him, and not about the fact that they now have an important resource back in their lives. Plus, Todd’s winning again. Phil wants to kill it and make burgers; Todd wants to save it so they can drink milk. Phil wants to keep it at his place; Todd wants to keep it as his, where he has grass she can nosh on. As you can imagine, Todd wins. As Phil says multiple times throughout the episode, “Freakin’ Todd.”
Phil continues to embarrass himself in his never-ending, never-gonna-succeed, one-sided battle against Todd. He claims he’s lactose intolerant (type 2, the worst kind, he says) so he’ll seem saintly for letting them use the cow for milk, something he won’t be able to enjoy. He says the odors of the milk are triggering his intolerance, something that absolutely doesn’t happen (right?). All in all, he’s being a drama king. A type 2 drama king.
As if that’s not enough, he later unties the cow and brings her to his bar. Later, he acts shocked when the others tell him she’s missing, but Melissa’s onto him. It’s a wonder she’s the only one who is suspicious though: Will Forte, great actor. Phil Miller, worst actor.
She suspects Phil’s keeping the cow at the bar with his ball friends, which he is. But when she goes to the bar to find her, she’s gone—and poor Gary’s been (literally) crushed. Panic sets in, but everything’s resolved when Phil discovers Todd found the cow. Better yet, Todd wants to give Phil the credit for finding the cow. There Todd goes again.
He feels bad for Phil, he says. Plus, everything’s going right for him: He’s with the girl of his dreams, he’s got two new buds, he has a cow to drink milk from. He’s livin’ the life! Phil, however, is not, so he takes Todd up on the offer. He’s, finally, the hero (kind of—he is still Phil Miller).
The poor cow—really, she’s probably wishing she’d never seen those “Alive in Tucson” billboards at this point—is used as a gamepiece once again though later that night. Everyone wakes up to Carol screaming, and they find her in her second-floor bedroom cornered by the cow. Todd said earlier in the episode that cows can go up stairs, but not down them—meaning Carol has a permanent new roommate.
But she’s not about to live with a cow. No way. Instead, she says, this is the perfect opportunity for her and Phil—husband and wife—to move in together. Phil, of course, never wanted to move in together, but Carol thinks it’s important to… so figures out a way to make it happen, whether her hubby likes it or not. Looks like Phil’s not the only devious one in Tucson.
The episode ends with Phil and Carol sharing a bed, the cow stuck in a dark bedroom, and Melissa and Todd probably having sex to “She Drives Me Crazy.” What a world.
- Phil coins the best nickname for Todd: Todd-ler.
- Carol complains that Phil’s never gotten her anything, to which he replies (with great disdain), “I got you that rash cream!” Ah, romance.
- Phil might have real people to talk to, but his balls still remain his truest friends. He goes to the bar to complain about Todd, and even makes some new friends: A ball made of clay named Thomas who gets turned into a shuttlecock made of clay named Diego. On that note, crossing my fingers that Gary’s able to make a quick recovery after being run over by the cow.
- “I. Need. Cheese,” Carol whines when they think the cow’s gone for good. Real talk, Carol.