The Challenge: Bloodlines finale recap: Family Matters
Here we are, folks, submerged in the final moments of The Challenge: Bloodlines, the most boring season of one of the greatest franchises in the history of television. Sigh.
We made it through Tony’s sexcapades, Bananas’ betrayal, C.T.’s short-lived guest spot, Abram’s blowups, Nany’s cousin’s colored contacts, and a million uses of the word “cousin” to make it this far, to Berlin, where a deserving team walked away with first place.
When we last left the three remaining teams (Cara Maria and Jamie, Cory and Mitch, and Jenna and Brianna), they had just finished a marathon-style relay race inside a “C.I.A. compound” that was definitely not at all used during World War II or the Cold War, nope not at all. Jenna and Brianna had kicked everyone’s butts and entered the second leg of the final in first place.
But they didn’t hold the lead for long.
When they arrive at part 2, T.J. gives them the suits that were tailor-made for them (sup, Franz?!) and briefcases. Up next, the teams have to wolf down a traditional German dinner and “catch a train” to the next portion. Dinner — blood soup, bloodwurst, weisswurst, sauerkraut, and speck — is served and everyone pukes. Seriously, this entire portion is just puke noise after hurl sound after vomit spurt. Nasty nasty.
As we all know, our girls Brianna and Jenna are picky as hell and can barely get down the soup. Instead they basically forfeit and take a time penalty for not finishing all the food. Jamie and Cara, though, kill it as the former swallows everything almost whole. Mitch and Cory level out the middle, and everyone hobbles off to “catch a train.”
T.J. and his jokes! Instead, they arrive at an abandoned underground station, where they have to stand in a small rectangular space holding their briefcase overnight. Want to sleep? T.J. asks. (HA, good one buddy.) If so, the other teammate has to hold both briefcases while you nap on a bench with newspapers. “This is the worst day of my life,” says Cory and the rest of the viewers watching.
Time passes, as it does, and pretty soon it’s morning. Guess what? There’s no train! Shocking! After a fake dramatic encounter with German transit workers, the gang gets ready for their next task: canoeing 10 miles up the Spree River to the Olympic stadium.
They do this. Nothing surprising happens.
Then they make it to the puzzle. Oh, daunting, troublesome puzzle. It’s unclear who’s in first place going into the brain powered part of the final, but considering Jenna and Brianna lost the canoe race by miles and were given additional time in the grub part, they’re screwed. Cory and Mitch pretend like they’re battling for first place. Cara and Jamie are like, “AH, WE CAN’T DO PUZZLES!”
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Math whiz Mitch nails the Sudoku-esque challenge, and together he and Cory run into the Olympic stadium where they have to run two miles around a track. They finish before anyone else gets in, though Cara and Jamie follow, before Jenna and Brianna trudge in to complete the whole shebang.
In a sad display of pageantry, T.J. hands out Olympic-style medals after adding up all their times. Is it a surprise? No. Are we relieved the most disappointing incarnation of The Challenge is over? Yes.
Here’s how it shaked out, in the final Bloodline Rankings:
1. Cara and Jamie
The cuzzies walked away in first with $250,000, best friendship, and rejuvenated Bahstahn accents.
2. Mitch and Cory
$75,000 richer, these cousins went far for rookies, made some new friends, and were generally fine, I guess. I could stand to see Cory in more Challenges but maybe Mitch should hang back at home, despite his puzzle prowess.
3. Jenna and Brianna
$25,000 ain’t nothing, but Brianna said it best in the final moments of Thursday’s finale: “The Challenge is a prison.”
What did you think of Bloodlines? Would you want to see any of the newbs on another season of The Challenge?