The Carrie Diaries recap: The Secret Garden
Carrie and Sebastian get close but then she goes and sees a really weird performance art thing; Dorrit gets a hamster
Well I was MIA last week for The Carrie Diaries, but I’ve returned and am happy to see that the hair is just as big. I like to imagine that when all the hairdryers are blowing on this set, New York is activating auxiliary power à la the twinkle lights in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
In the first week, AnnaSophia Robb was giving me notes of La Lohan — but this week I’m also picking up some touches of Hayden Panetierre. I realize I’m describing her likes she’s some sort of teen batch of Pinot Grigio. But she’s very winning and I’m really enjoying her interpretation of Carrie Bradshaw. It’s a tough gig when the previous actor became so iconic in the role, but I think she’s doing a nice job. Also, huge hair.
So Carrie and Sebastian started getting pretty hot and heavy. Well, they at least began meeting in some very lush park and listening to music together. The park looked like Michelle Pfeiffer’s backyard in Wolf. Anyone get that reference? Probably not. But Carrie and Sebastian would share headphones, which I think is the ’80s equivalent of a Lady and the Tramp noodle/meatball kiss. But the big twist is that Carrie finds out Sebastian has a rather dirty past: The dude had an affair with his art teacher and that’s why he had to change schools. Turns out Carrie’s dad was his lawyer and that’s why he’s so against her hanging out with Sebastian. Seems like a fair issue to have with the fella.
Meanwhile, Carrie wasn’t the only Bradshaw putting herself out into the dating scene: Papa Bradshaw started playing the widow card and found himself quite popular with the ladies. The first time was when he was shopping for maxi pads for Carrie and some kindly lady helped him decide on a brand. I was mostly distracted by what appeared to be wood-shelving in this drug store. Are they living in Amish country? But also, Mr. Bradshaw should have checked more closely what this stranger took off the pharmacy shelves. What if she grabbed like some rash powder or something? Or some other kind of unpleasant feminine project? Worth looking into, Bradshaw.
Back at the family home, Dorrit, who looks like a cross between Amber Tamblyn and a poltergeist, started developing some strange habits — big surprise! On one of her rebellious nights out, she encountered a “soulful” (their words not mine) hamster. Being a troubled youth, she stole the little rascal and kept him in a shoebox in the closet. Naturally Carrie found them while looking for some heels and was not psyched to instead find little Morrissey (named after the musician).
NEXT: Carrie goes way downtown…like real downtown
And now is where the show took a real weird turn. I sorta get what they were trying to do but I also thought it was kinda icky. So Carrie and Mouse go into the city so that Mouse can meet up with her Princeton boyfriend and Carrie can see Larissa. The Interview magazine editor takes them to an art show where a porn star shows people her vagina for pennies. Yep, five seconds ago we were dealing with stolen hamsters and now we’ve gone full-throttle into Vagina Town. Now these kind of avant-garde gallery openings were definitely part of the DNA of the original Sex and the City. I mean who can forget the weirdo art thing Carrie and Charlotte visited where the lady never went to sleep and the only escape was a ladder made of knives? That being said, something just felt icky about a slow motion shot of teen Carrie staring at a sex star’s vagina. Maybe it’s just me! Frankly, I’m not the target audience for that kind of show.
Totally unrelated but sort of: I live for everything and anything that Larissa wears. Leopard cape? Yes. Multi-patterned onesie? More please.
I think the weakest part of the show is Carrie’s best gal pals, sadly. I like the actresses but I just can’t really get on board with either of these storylines. Mouse and her Princeton boyfriend are kinda snoozy. I just don’t understand where this is going. And Maggie can be fun but most of this episode revolved around her discussing how tall she is and destroying a stuffed panda bear. Her decimation of the panda was nearly as disturbing as anything on The Following.
By the end, Carrie and Sebastian had broken up because he was freaked out by the fact that she knew about his past. I’m frankly more concerned that his leather jacket looks very present-day, which makes me think he may actually be from the future. It looks very All Saints to me. Anyway, Carrie is single, but the Bradshaw family had a nice little outing to the pet store. I think it was Morrissey who once sang, “Hamsters mend a broken heart.” Or maybe I just made that up.
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The Carrie Diaries