The Bachelorette recap: Truth Bomb
Michael and Drew shatter Des' world with their revelation about James, but the muscle-bound Bachelor wannabe does not go down without a fight
¡Hola, muchachos y muchachas! ¿Acepta esta rosa? I hope so, because we’re in beautiful Barcelona, Spain for the sixth leg of Desiree’s “journey,” and it literally only takes her 14 seconds to say that this city is “the perfect place to fall in love.” At this point, are there any imperfect places to fall in love left on God’s green earth?
Harrison greets the guys in front of a café and warns them that there will be no cocktail party this time around, so “when you get time with Des this week, use it wisely.” Therefore the first date card goes to… Drew! But somehow the guy whose head almost exploded last week when he wasn’t allowed to tell Des about James’ chicanery is now
totally wussing out slightly less eager to be the bearer of bad news. “I don’t want to let the tension with James dictate my time with Des today,” he says. “If there’s time to address the situation with James, we’ll get to it.”
Good judgment? What fun is that? Even Des worries that Drew is a little too “reserved,” but he shatters that impression as soon as he meets up with her by declaring, “First things first: I haven’t been able to stop thinking about kissing you.” And once they start, Drew and Des can’t stop kissing. They smooch in the street, at the hot chocolate stand, in front of the “come back to Spain” fountain, over pastries at bubo after Drew tearfully tells Des his dad is a recovering alcoholic who now has cancer, while dancing in front of a trio of guitarristas before dinner… seriously, it never ends. (Side note: Hey Des, Sandy called — she wants her Shake Shack pants back.)
Drew is so “overcome” with lust he can’t even make it through dinner without grabbing Des and spiriting her away from the table — a stunt that forces some unfortunate soul on Team Bachelorette to wrench the dinner cam from its tripod and chase Drew and Des down a secluded corridor. And even though the camera crew is practically on top of them as Drew grinds Des into the wall, the Bachelorette’s orgasmic gasp lets us know that she LOVES it. “Wow, that kiss really made me see Drew in a different light,” marvels Des. “It really makes me feel special.”
Meanwhile, at the Melia Sitges hotel… Knock knock knock! It’s a tiny red Accent Table of Doom at the door! Who’s going on the group date? Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and… Juan Pablo? For the love of all that’s holy, what does this guy have to do to get a one-on-one date? They’re in Barcelona for Pete’s sake! (Yes, I know he’s Venezuelan. But close enough.) “I’m bummed,” sighs Juan Pablo. “I’m taking the risk of not spending time with my daughter to be here… I hope I can get a one-on-one date so I can spend more time with Desiree and get to know her.” Awww, cheer up, Senor Sexy! At least the group date activity is futbol.
NEXT: “What a f—ing a–hole!”
Back in Make-out Alley, Des has removed her face from Drew’s long enough to give him the date rose. Just when you think they’re going to start swallowing each other’s tongues again, Drew rips the needle off the record: “There’s something I have to say… There was a conversation I heard the other day that was on the way home from the group date, and, um, myself and Kasey overheard it. It was assumed that we were asleep… James said that he doesn’t know what’s going to happen with you, and, but he said that if he makes it into the top four it will give him enough exposure and momentum to possibly be the next Bachelor.” Oh dear, now the Bachelorette is angry. And James is not going to like her when she’s angry. Declares Desiree, “What a f—ing a–hole!”
There’s no trace of that rage the next morning when Des greets her group date suitors in front of the RCD Espanyol De Barcelona stadium. Perhaps that’s because she’s still clinging to the idea that James is not a total fameosexual meathead. “A lot of things can be taken out of context,” muses Des. “I’m not going to go into the attack with James — I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt.” As the action moves onto the soccer field, most of the guys aren’t thinking about James… because they’re so worried about Juan Pablo. “Oooh, I feel like I’m home,” purrs JP, tilting his chin to the sky and basking in his own hotness. Brooks is not amused: “Juan Pablo’s very name is directly translated to, You have no chance — and I am going out with Desiree at this moment on the soccer field.” (Good one, sir.)
Soon after, however, Juan Pablo and all of the guys find their dominance challenged by the revelation that they will be playing a game of futbol against Desiree and her team of professional players. Did we mention they’re women? Because for some reason the guys think that means they are not about to get their asses handed to them. Intones Michael, “It is wrong to hit a woman. It is not wrong to kick [pause] a woman’s soccer ball away from her.” Adds Juan Pablo, “They think they’re going to beat us, but it’s not going to happen.”
Indeed, JP scores the first goooooaaaal, and the second… but it seems the professionals were just letting the guys rack up some pity points. Des’ team begins pounding ball after ball after ball right past James the goalie and into the net. “I thought [James] was going to be a man today,” says Juan Pablo. “I guess he’s scared of getting hit with the ball.” Final score: 10-2. Senoritas FTW!
The post-game show begins with Des taking Chris to her hotel room (my goodness, how forward!), where they recline on her bed without taking off their shoes — which is seriously gross. It turns out the Bachelorette has been hard at work on a poem for Chris, which she’s carefully scratched out on the back of a postcard. I’m not going to burden you with all the verses here, but suffice it to say that it rhymes (sample: “I look forward to the unknown/appreciate the emotions you have shown”).
NEXT: “[Bleep] you, Michael, and [bleep] you, and [bleep] you!”
Des next moves on to Brooks, but we don’t get to see their chat because something else far more interesting is happening in another room: Kasey (with Chris and Michael in tow) is about to confront James. He starts out by relaying the details of the conversation that we’ve heard about 139 times already — “You said, ‘If I can make the final four, I am in a very good spot to become the next Bachelor'” — and then starts rambling on about Mikey’s suggestion that he and James party on a boat with “tall, good-looking women.” James gives it his best shot with the “I wasn’t the one who started that conversation” defense, but when Kasey asks James point-blank if he made the incriminating Bachelor comment, the lunkhead pauses long enough before saying no to make it clear that he’s lying.
Knowing he’s trapped, James begins verbally thrashing about in an effort to steer the attack in Michael’s direction. “You haven’t even been on a one-on-one date yet!” he bellows at the prosecutor pointlessly. “You go on a two-on-one date and you become this confrontational person that I’ve never seen you before, period.” (Don’t ask me, I’m just transcribing what he said.) By the time Michael accuses James of sounding like he’s “auditioning for the Jersey Shore,” Chris is frantically trying to shush them both, but it’s Kasey who flummoxes the angry beast into silence with this truth bomb: “Mikey didn’t bring up that you said, ‘If I make the final four, I have a good shot at being the next Bachelor.’ Mikey didn’t bring that up — you did.” You know that look your dog gets when you’re playing fetch with him and pretend to throw the ball but you’re really hiding it in your hand? Yeah, that’s pretty much what James’ face looks like right now.
Eventually James begins barking about how the cameras will “tell all,” even though, as Michael points out, he made this totally not-at-all shocking confession while the cameras weren’t around. James is not amused. “Yeah, when you [bleeeeeeeeeep] last night you made sure the cameras weren’t on.” Hmmm… wonder what was under that bleep. It sounded something like:
a) plucked my Bic
b) trucked my chicks
c) s—ed my d–k
Vote for your guess in the comments below!
Anyhow, James is unable to “deny, counter-accusate [sic], or get out of this situation,” explains Kasey, who makes a beeline for Des to fill her in on the rest of the disturbing details. But if he thought he was going to get the date rose for “protecting” the Bachelorette, he’s sorely mistaken: Des sends the rest of the guys home flowerless so she can talk to James alone. “I believe everything,” she snaps at James. “Because [Michael and Drew] are guys that I fully, fully trust.” Yet she seems open to believing James’ excuses too: Mikey was the one who brought up the bimbo boat; Drew and Michael are just jealous of him; he swears on his dad that he was talking about a hypothetical worst case scenario when he brought up the idea of being the Bachelor. “It’s tough. Because I do trust them,” sighs Desiree, her voice breaking. “But then I trust you. It’s really tough.” Tough enough that the Bachelorette decides she can’t make a decision on James’ fate tonight; she needs a night to “process” the accusations, his denials and crocodile tears — everything. Sorry boys, the Suitcase Ninja will not be making an appearance tonight. Jimmy Jam is coming home!
NEXT: Make art, not war
Crap – we still have to get through Zak’s one-on-one date? That’s kind of how the Bachelorette is feeling the next morning, too, as she sketches buildings forlornly while waiting for him to arrive. Zak knows he needs to lift Desiree’s spirits, so he acts appropriately enthusiastic when she tells him they’re going to have an “artistic afternoon” drawing at the Sant Lluc gallery. Though he’s admittedly not an artist, Zak’s sketch of the (thankfully clothed) male model is a hell of a lot better than I could have done. His “portrait” of Desiree, on the other hand, looks like a 5-year-old’s rendering of Robert Smith from The Cure. “I’m scared! Turn it around!” squeals Des, giggling.
Oh look, here comes another male model. In a robe. Under which he’s wearing nothing but a black sensor bar over his area. “It’s kinda weird, you know?” Zak tells Team Bachelorette nervously, his voice climbing an octave. “I’m with a girl that I want to be romantic with and, uh, now we have a naked guy in the room. I’m like, ‘Don’t look down. Don’t look down.'” To break the tension, Zak eventually strips down to his tighty-whiteys himself so Des can immortalize the many hills and valleys of his abdominal region in charcoal.
Dinner takes place in a romantic cave/wine cellar, where Zak and his infectious smile (Des’ term) chatters happily about his parents — mom is a “bundle of joy” and dad is “extremely responsible and loving” – and his lifelong wanderlust. Then they make out for a while and she gives him the rose. Bored now. Can we get back to James and Bachelorgate now?
Why yes we can! As it happens, James is currently getting chewed out yet again, this time by Drew. “To hear you talk about dismissing her, that is just completely inappropriate,” he tells James self-righteously. His rival’s explanation that The Bachelorette is not a “normal situation” doesn’t sit well with Drew, who apparently believes that if a suitor even acknowledges the idea that he might not end up with Desiree, it’s an unpardonable sin.
Tensions are still running high the next day as the guys scrunch together on the sitting-room couches for forced small talk until Des arrives to fetch James. Though the Bachelorette says she woke up know “I need to send him home at this point,” James is not going to make it easy for her. “I’m sorry! Des, I’ve had a hard time,” he barks, as the camera zooms in on the Bachelorette’s nervously twiddling thumbs. “The conversation that took place was about scenarios… The different scenarios that could possibly happen. There’s nothing wrong with that. Zero!” While such an aggressive apology should raise yet another red flag for Desiree, she clearly wants to believe James when he says, “I’m here to fall in love with you.” She even calls his angry, defensive torrent of excuses “sweetness”! And he keeps chipping away at her wall of certainty, telling Des how “proud” he is of her for making “big decisions” and that she has the “qualities” he looks for in a wife and the mother of his kids. “Whatever your decision is, Des, I respect you.” Mic drop!
NEXT: Did she really send him home? ¡Ay, dios mio!
Having escaped a premature ejection by the skin of his teeth yet again, James strolls back into the hotel room with a casual, “What’s up, guys?” But tempers are soon flaring once he begins explaining his life/reality TV philosophy. “Somebody out of this group — just like she did — is going to become the Bachelor,” says James, who calls the idea a “win-win situation.” Uh-oh, Chris has had all he can stands — he just can’t stands anymore! “I am 100 percent not thinking about becoming the Bachelor ever,” she shouts at James, his face as pink as his t-shirt. “Just because you’re here does not mean you become the Bachelor after this!” (From your lips to God’s ears, Chris.) The yelling continues until James storms off in anger, at which point Michael sums up the situation quite nicely: “If James gets a rose tonight, I think the group is going to collectively s— themselves.”
So is Des going to come to her senses or should Team Bachelorette start loading up on the adult diapers? Only the roses know for sure! So let’s get to the ceremony. Des is on the verge of tears as she gives the traditional “this is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make” speech, but she recovers enough to give Chris, Brooks, and Michael the night’s three buds. That means both James and Kasey are getting the boot. “People vs. James. Case dismissed,” sniffs Michael primly.
I’d be celebrating with the guys if I weren’t completely incensed by the fact that Des also cut Juan Pablo! WTF woman? You kept the bug-eyed hothead Michael over the mild-mannered stud who stayed out of the drama and would sound sexy reading the ingredients off the back of a package of Frosted Flakes? Rage! “I came here to find somebody that is on the same page as me,” sighs Juan Pablo. “Somebody who wants to have a family, have kids. I have my daughter at home, but I really want to have a wife and a couple other kids… It’s very hard to date when you have a daughter.”
Don’t cry, Juan Pablo! Maybe Team Bachelor will hear your pleas and install you in that stucco McMansion of Romantic Dreams next January. What say you, rose lovers? Juan Pablo for Bachelor!
Well, amigos, this is where we say adios. But before you go, let me know what you thought about tonight’s dramatic turn of events. Did you think James would squeak by yet again? Can you believe that we’re almost at the final four? Have any of you not read the spoilers? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to send Des’ weepy hunk harem a pallet of Kleenex.