The Bachelorette recap: 'You don't own my body'
Remember when Tony Soprano told his family to remember the little moments, rose lovers? I’m going to try to remember that advice this week. So, hooray — this was actually a real episode, with new action rather than 40 minutes of rehashed clips! Yes, Luke P. is still around (boooooo), but at least it was fun watching him flip out over Garrett’s date. (Remember, rose lovers, let’s focus on the good things. Otherwise, we might all lose our damn minds.)
As you probably don’t recall, Hannah and her suitors are in Riga, Latvia, for this leg of her “journey.” Though the Bachelorette felt “defeated” last week, now she’s ready for (another) “fresh start” with the guys. “I want this week to remind me why I’m here,” she says. “And that is to find love and to be romanced by these men.” She’s got a really good feelink about Riga and what it can brink. (I already feel guilty about making fun of the way Hannah talks — hey, I’m not (always) a monster! — so that will be the first and last joke I make about her weird “ing/k” thing.)
Knock knock knock! There’s a Latvian Accent Table of Doom at the door! Date number one goes to… Garrett! Sorry not sorry, Luke P. Also, how am I literally just now realizing that Garrett is a golf pro?
Has that seriously been his job all season? Man, I need to work on my chyron-reading comprehension skills. Garrett meets Hannah out in the middle of the Latvian wilderness, where there’s some kind of Midsommar-like pagan ritual happening.
Yeppers, it’s “butt-ass naked” bungee jumping time. “What did you bring me to?” cries Garrett. Even Hannah claims she didn’t know that “Latvian people bungee jump naked.” And their hosts Gunts (sp?) and Kristiana say everything will be fine, so who are we to judge? Climb up and strip down, you two!
Though they’re both freaking out, Garrett embraces his traditional gender role and comforts Hannah. “We got this,” he says, not quite convincingly. “We’ll be laughing about it soon.” The crew straps them in — Hannah removes her bra at the last minute — and Garrett and the Bachelorette share a smooch and take the leap.
They freaking did it! Congrats, you crazy kids. “You were very strong, and that’s what I want in a man,” Hannah tells Garrett. In turn, he admits to having learned a lesson from last week’s disastrous cocktail party: “I agree to leave everything behind, and I’m only focusing on you now.”
Question: Why did Team Bachelorette let Hannah wrap herself in this bath mat for her dinner date?
As much as I love the show’s stylist, Cary Fetman, this one’s a big #nope.
Anyhow, cheers to Latvia and its many sights — including the Latvian bungee-jumper’s “ding-dong” and so on. And cheers to Garrett finally listening and asking Hannah something she wants to be asked: “What’s a big hurdle in your life that you’ve had that’s helped mold you?” The Bachelorette says she used to allow the fear of rejection to control her, but now she’s strong enough to fight that fear off.
Garrett, in turn, reveals that he used to play football in college because it’s what his dad wanted him to do… but then one day he realized that he “hated” football. That’s when he took a chance and started playing golf — and hey, that’s just what he and Hannah did today! (Minus the golf part.) “It is a lot like falling in love,” Garrett continues. “You hold on for dear life, trust each other, take a leap of faith and hope something good happens in the end.” Oh my God, we GET IT: Bungee jumping is a television-friendly metaphor for falling in love. We. Get. It. Please, no more. Garrett concludes his speech by telling Hannah he’s “falling in love for you [sic],” and she LOVES it. Garrett gets the date rose, and somewhere, Luke feels a chill run down his spine.
The next morning, in fact, the cameras are rolling as Garrett explains his date in great detail to the other men. And it’s all for Luke’s benefit, clearly. When Garrett says, “We decided to bungee jump naked,” the camera is fixed on Luke’s face. He does not disappoint.
“I don’t know if that’s how it went down,” Luke muses in his confessional. “Who would want to be naked with that guy? There is no way Hannah went bungee jumping naked with Garrett.” His denial is delicious, isn’t it?
Group date time! Hannah greets Mike, Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Luke, Connor, and Dylan at the Riga marketplace to do “all the things.” Those things include: Drinking morning moonshine, eating morning pickles…
…and chowing down on crunchy morning fish (with heads attached). “Everyone’s kind of getting along,” notes Tyler. “I think everyone really listened to Hannah’s message.” Indeed, all of the guys are being polite and respectful, both to Hannah and each other, and the Bachelorette can’t even believe it. “It’s exactly what I needed, more than I even could hope for, honestly.”
Obviously, rose lovers, the purpose of all this “everything is wonderful” build-up is so things can take a sudden and distressing nosedive. Which is what happens when Hannah starts regaling the guys with a description of her naked bungee jumping date with Garrett. “It was awesome,” she gushes, as the color drains out of Luke’s face. “It was like the best experience ever.”
“I’m shocked,” he says gravely. “Her body is her temple, and to expose it to anyone who isn’t her husband… That’s a slap in my face.” Oh, you obnoxious fool, this has nothing to do with your face, or with you. But by all means, complain to Hannah about it — I’m sure that’ll go really well.
At the cocktail party, Hannah thanks the guys for “stepping up today,” prompting Luke to scoff, “Yeah,” in response. Hold that thought, dumbass, because Tyler just stole Hannah and they’re dry-humping in the other room. Then it’s Jed’s turn to woo the Bachelorette, which he does with a song. He says it’s called “Home,” but I think he left out the first four words of the title, “My girlfriend is back…” I don’t want to go off on too much of a Jed tangent, but you’ve gotta respect the evil genius of telling Hannah about his original motives for going on the show — in retrospect, he was just covering his behind should his ex-girlfriend decide to go public with his BS. End of tangent.
Uh-oh, Luke has something to tell Hannah. “I’m gonna be honest, you’re not gonna like this,” he begins, before launching into a whole speech about how he felt “cheated on” when he heard about her naked adventures with Garrett. “I’m just thinking of you holding him, bare-skinned… It really pissed me off.”
Rather than throwing a drink in his face and walking away, Hannah calmly explains that the bungee-jumping experience was something she wanted to do for herself, and she made her own choice to do it. Luke keeps digging: “I felt like it was a slap in the face. But no matter what you do, I’m going to support you. Even if you make a boneheaded mistake… At the end of the day, we’re gonna get through anything.”
Weirdly, we aren’t shown much of Hannah’s response. If the editing is to be believed, she only nodded and mumbled a few “mmmm-hmmms” during Luke’s patronizing speech — and that seems unlikely. Still, we cut straight to the end of the party, which concludes with Tyler getting the date rose. (Thanks to the previews, though, we know Hannah does give Luke a piece of her mind later.)
In happier news, it’s time for Peter’s one-on-one date. This guy is so well-liked, when he got the one-on-one date all of the other men were openly supportive. “You’re a good dude, Peter,” said Dylan. “You deserve this.” I would like Peter even more if he wasn’t so likely to steal the title of Bachelor away from its rightful owner, Mike — but I’ll try not to hold it against him.
Hannah and Peter’s date is a “Latvian-style spa day,” complete with robes, honey sauce, and a lengthy serenade from a local woman. After some type of cleansing activity with branches of leaves, Hannah and Peter enter the “pirts” (sauna) for a sweaty make-out sesh.
“With Peter and I, it’s just so sexually driven,” marvels Hannah. “Our physical connection is a 10 out of 10.” But is there more than just a hormonal connection? At dinner, Peter reveals that he’s had a hard time Opening Up™ since his last serious relationship, which was his “biggest form of heartbreak” that he ever felt. Now, though, he’s “all in” (as the kids say) with Hannah. “I really am falling for you,” says Peter. He then launches into an inspirational saying from his grandma, which he repeats en Español: “Son, don’t worry, don’t fret, let the waters run, let the river flow as it may because what’s for you, and what’s meant for you will never be tarnished and it will always be yours.”
So… Peter looks like a Malibu Ken doll and he speaks Spanish? Yeah, it’s gonna be an uphill battle for those of us who want Mike to be the next Bachelor. But I digress: Pilot Pete gets the date rose. Now, go stand on your mark by the river, kids — the fireworks are about to begin.
When Pete returns from his date, Jed slips out of the hotel suite. The next thing we know, the dude is standing outside Hannah’s window strumming his guitar and singing that “I’ll be your Mr. Right, girl” song. It is LITERALLY the same douche move executed by Bachelorette villain Wes waaaay back in season 5. (Remember “Love Don’t Come Easy,” rose lovers? Of course you do.)
But Hannah LOVES it. “If that’s not out of a romance novel, I don’t know what is,” she gushes. And dear God, Jed is not done singing. Honestly, it’s almost like the producers are trolling Jed/Hannah/us: Less than a week after Jed’s alleged girlfriend came forward claiming he went on the show to boost his career, now the show is making us watch an extended musical performance from him? I’m so irritated by this whole thing I can’t even be bothered to care that Jed is now the third dude this episode to tell Hannah that he’s falling in love with her.
Meanwhile, back in the guys’ room, Garrett is quarreling with Luke about the fact that Luke… oh, who cares. Let’s just shelter in place until these two are done fighting. Luke doesn’t want Garrett to complain about him to Hannah at the next rose ceremony, while Garrett gives exactly zero f—s about what Luke wants, and the two clearly want to beat the living hell out of each other… but they don’t.
The day of the final cocktail party and rose ceremony arrives, but before the guys can start getting ready, Hannah shows up at their room and asks to talk to Luke. He all but leaps off the couch and follows her down to her room. It seems that Hannah has been “processing” everything Luke said to her about the naked bungee jumping date, and she has some concerns (duh) that need to be addressed. She tells Luke that the conversation isn’t sitting well with her, particularly the parts where he called her choice to bungee jump naked a “boneheaded mistake” and implied that she wasn’t worthy to meet his family because of it. And then…
“I told you that it was not a sexual thing,” says Hannah, who’s clearly nervous but holding firm. “But even if it was, at this point it doesn’t matter, because you’re not my husband. You don’t own my body. You don’t own me. It’s my body.”
Eff yeah Hannah Brown! But for the love of all that’s holy, woman, when are you just going to send this sexist, hypocritical, lying, egotistical dude-bro home already??? Sensing he’s in trouble, Luke P. starts backpedaling furiously, saying he handled their previous conversation all wrong and that he has “full trust” in her. Then, sensing that Hannah isn’t buying it, he starts backpedaling and lying. “I am never going to control you! I’ll never tell you what you can and cannot do with your body!”
Luke insists that the “boneheaded mistake” comment wasn’t related to the bungee jumping at all. (I guess he was just talking about some hypothetical, future boneheaded mistake she’s bound to make?) And when Luke said he wanted to be confident about Hannah meeting his family, he meant he wanted Hannah to be confident about meeting his family. It’s all just a crazy misunderstanding, rose lovers!
The Bachelorette is skeptical and annoyed. “No!” she snaps, when Luke keeps talking over her about how their “train” is back “on track.” Hannah says her emotions keep flip-flopping between wanting to keep trying with Luke and wanting to suffocate him in a silo full of soybeans, and his complaints about the naked bungee jumping date didn’t help. And Luke just keeps on gaslighting her, saying she must not remember everything he said during that conversation and that he never questioned her “character,” not even “for one second.”
“You said I was disrespectful!” Hannah shoots back. Luke pivots to contrition (“I had no business saying that”) and asks, yet again, for forgiveness. “I’m going to continue to do better,” he promises. “It’ll be worth it if you keep fighting.” It’s clearly too little, and way too late, but Hannah doesn’t seem ready to cut the cord. “I don’t know,” she sighs sadly.
Once he’s back in the hotel room with the guys, Luke knows he has to tell them what just happened — but he doesn’t. “It’s completely between me and Hannah, and I’m not going to talk about it with you guys,” he says. Luke then announces that Garrett is at fault for the whole situation, because he shared details of his date with Hannah. Oh, sorry — Luke wasn’t blaming Garrett for talking about his date, he was thanking him. How silly of me!
Even so, things quickly devolve into yelling about “lanes” and who is or is not staying in them. There’s also literal finger-pointing.
Luke may be obnoxious, but he’s not dumb enough to start a pointy-fingered fight with Mike. As voices rise, Jed interrupts and asks Luke to use his inside voice. “Let’s just keep it down here. Last time we started yelling, Hannah heard,” he says. “And if you f— up another cocktail thing, you’re going to have me really f—ing pissed… I can hear you just fine right here. Let’s talk.”
Just as Luke declares, “I’m not gonna screw up tonight,” who should walk in but Christopher Harrison? And he’s come armed with bad tidings: Hannah’s feeling “a little emotional,” so the cocktail party is canceled. “That’s your goddamn fault, Luke,” grumbles Mike. “Three in a row, Luke,” adds Tyler. “Keep it up.”
Rose ceremony roll call: Jed, Mike, Connor, and Luke (blech) join Pilot Pete, Tyler, and Garrett in the circle of safety. So sorry, Dylan and Dustin. Perhaps there’ll be a spot for you on the tail end of Paradise.
Ugh, what a shame. For one thing, Hannah’s emerald dress was gorgeous, and she only got to wear it for the rose ceremony. For another, LUKE P. IS STILL HERE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY???? Even Harrison can’t figure it out. “What do you like about Luke?” he whispers to Hannah, as the guys mill about angrily in the next room. “I’m either falling in love with Luke, or Luke is making me go crazy,” she replies. “I’m not sure which one.” It’s the latter, girl. The latter!
Before you go, rose lovers, help me process all this disappointment. Even though all signs point to Luke sticking around until Fantasy Suite dates, I can’t stop myself from hoping that she’ll kick his sorry butt to the curb. Are you the same way? From the looks of it, even poor Peter is going to get dragged into the Luke P. mess. And did Tyler really catch the Holy Ghost, or was he just really digging Jed’s song about Riga? Post your thoughts below!