The Bachelorette recap: Body (slam) of evidence
Who needs a rose ceremony when the testosterone is flowing so freely, right rose lovers? This week on The Bachelorette, Luke’s simmering aggression boils over into a full-blown feud with Junior Nick Viall (a.k.a. Other Luke), and Hannah is not about to let herself get burned.
But first, pack your bags, boys — you’re off to Newport, Rhode Island, home to picturesque lighthouses and quaint New England charm. The first date of the week goes to Jed — but it’s all the way in Boston. Nothing like driving an hour-plus after a cross-country flight!
Hannah is waiting for him at Quincy Market, which is part of the historic Faneuil Hall marketplace. I grew up about 45 minutes away and spent many hours in my youth there (Guys, get the Pomodoro Formaggio at Pizzeria Regina — it’s delicious!) Hannah takes Jed on a tour of Boston’s many historic sites, and though she’s not super up-to-speed on her American history — it took her several tries to remember the American Revolution slogan “No taxation without representation” — she’s quite adept at making up trivia about our country. (Paul Revere invented the bike. Who knew?)
Though Jed and Hannah don’t appear to stop for any pizza (missed opportunity!), they do make it over to the Establishment Formerly Known As the Bull & Finch Pub, which was used as the exterior of TV’s most famous bar, Cheers. There they chat and flirt, hold hands and gaze giddily into each others’ eyes — and when the tourists inside start chanting for Hannah and Jed to kiss, they oblige.
After a brief stop for another round of Halo Top product placement (“I could eat this whole pint right now!” coos the Bachelorette), Hannah and Jed head to Auerbach Center, the practice facility for the Boston Celtics. Current Celtics Terry Rozier and Jaylen Brown happen to be hanging out on the court, and they’re kind enough to shoot some hoops with our smitten couple.
Jaylen eventually sits Hannah down to talk about how things are going with Jed. (Short answer: “Awesome.”) When the Bachelorette asks Jaylen for some relationship advice, I’ll admit that I went down a “is Jaylen Brown married” Google rabbit hole. He doesn’t appear to be hitched, but there are some reports that he’s dating an “Instagram model,” so he’s actually in a perfect position to counsel Hannah on her reality TV romance. Jaylen tells Hannah to find “somebody who makes you laugh, somebody you can be yourself with, somebody who respects you” — solid advice, for sure.
Today’s date, says Jed, has “exploded a spark into a flame,” and indeed it does seem that he and Hannah are getting along famously. “I feel excited about Jed,” adds Hannah. “He really is exactly what I’ve wanted.” I was definitely predisposed to dislike Jed, because most of the “singer/songwriters” we’ve seen on this show have been fameosexuals hoping that a little camera time will advance their “careers.”
But then, rose lovers, something amazing happens: At dinner, Jed admits to Hannah that his initial motivation for coming on the show was because it’s a “huge platform.” He’s confessing this, adds Jed, because “I just want you to know the truth.” But after spending more time with Hannah, Jed says his mind is no longer on his music: “Now, more than anything, I want to be with you.” And God help me, rose lovers, I believe him. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
“I feel something growing inside of me that I’ve never felt before,” Jed continues. No, dear readers, it’s not cancer — it’s love! And our Bachelorette is 1-800-Into-It.
Group date time! Dylan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Connor, Garrett, Dustin, Devin, Grant, Peter, Kevin, Mike, Luke S., and Luke P. meet Hannah at a former Army post in Newport, Rhode Island, called Fort Adams. The date card called for “blood, sweat, and tears,” which got all of Luke P.’s aggro juices flowing. (“I’m excited, I’m a competitor!” he crowed as the rest of the men rolled their eyes. “It’s about to get bloody!”)
Why, yes it is! On this date, the guys will be attempting to play the full-contact sport known as rugby, with a little help from the Newport Rugby Club. “We’ve seen some gruesome stuff out on this field!” barks one Newport player. “We’ve seen people breaking their legs, legs hangin’ off, only hanging on by skin and sock.” The bachelors look understandably nervous, but man, Hannah is LOVING this description of rugby carnage.
“This is so hot!” she giggles. Of course, we’re treated to a “training” montage, but you and I both know why we’re here: The “tonight on” promo promised us an ambulance, and we want the damn ambulance! But first, please enjoy this terrifying laugh-scream from John Paul Jones.
“Let’s go, man,” JPJ adds, in an attempt to assure us that he’s not some kind of netherworldly demon. Honestly, we should be more worried about the crowd, anyway. Having been whipped into a frenzy by producers, the women chant “Kill him! Kill him!” on cue and howl with delight at every rough tackle. Sadly for all of us bloodthirsty onlookers, the ambulance moment does not involve a bone-crunching scrum mishap — instead, Kevin just calmly walks up to a producer and asks for a medic. It seems that he may have dislocated his shoulder while tackling one of the other guys.
Kevin is packed off to the hospital while the rest of the guys continue to pummel each other on the field. “I’m givin’ it all I got for Hannah,” pants Luke P., who’s helped the blue team take a commanding lead over green. “I’ll never quit on her.” We’re then treated to a montage of Luke P. in full Hulk mode, taking players out at the knees and grunting as he runs down the field. “I think maybe sometimes he can be a little too aggressive,” notes Peter. That’s when the camera swings around and, on the left side of the frame, we see Luke P. pick up Other Luke and literally body slam him to the ground.
“Whooooahhhh!” groans the crowd in unison. “What the f— was that?” yells Other Luke angrily. “Did you see what happened?” Hannah asks Grant. Unfortunately, Grant didn’t see who instigated the Luke vs. Other Luke tackle — and this, dear rose lovers, is the beginning of this episode’s he-said, he-said drama. If only Hannah had just pulled Team Bachelorette aside and asked for an instant replay of the moment. It was all on camera, woman!
Once he’s within earshot of Hannah, Luke P. offers a quasi-apology to Other Luke — “I’m sorry… that was self-defense” — but the latter waves him off, annoyed. “Luke can’t control himself,” he huffs. “He’s a frickin’ animal.” The rest of the guys agree with him. “Luke P. is just looking out for Luke P.,” grumbles Mike. “Luke P., he’s just kind of a dick,” adds Dylan. Kind of? That’s generous.
The guys are all on edge at the post-date cocktail party, but they brighten up at the arrival of Hannah, who’s sporting a slinky silver suit with a jacket slit down to her navel. Rather than waiting for someone to grab her, the Bachelorette summons Luke P. for the first one-on-one chat. Mama has questions, dammit, and she’s not going to wait for answers. Nor does Aggro Luke even wait to be asked — he just launches into his version of events. Luke P. claims that he “stiff-armed” Luke S. to the ground and all of a sudden Other Luke was “cussing” at him and even “started to swing” at him. At that point and at that point only, says Luke P., did he body slam Luke S.
Based on what we saw before, exactly 99 percent of that is not true — except for maybe the cussing, and definitely the body-slam part. To Hannah’s credit, she seems to sense something is off, and she tells Luke P. that while she cares about him, this incident definitely has her worried. He tries to assure the Bachelorette that he’s never had a problem with any of the other guys — Luke S. just has it out for him. “To be honest… I’ve seen red flags come up,” Luke P. continues. “He’s always talking about his brand and his liquor company. I’ve never heard him talk about you.”
Shots fired! But Hannah is not ready to make her final judgment. She is wisely still skeptical about what Luke P. has to say, so her next stop is a one-on-one chat with Luke S.
Junior Nick Viall tells Hannah that Luke P. hit him “pretty damn hard” during a play, and when he tried to express his displeasure, Luke P. — with a “glazed look in his eye” — body-slammed him to the ground and then kneed him in the head. Other Luke goes on to explain that “a lot” of the guys are annoyed with Luke P., a feeling that began with his nonsensical/creepy declaration of love on the first group date. “I would urge you to ask the other guys about it,” says Luke S. “We all have a thing with Luke P.”
It’s a pretty good response, and Luke S. manages to stay calm and polite through the discussion. He only begins to get flustered when Hannah brings up Luke P.’s other accusation, that he talks more about his tequila brand than he does about her. “I understand how big of a concern that is for you, but I’m here for you,” says Luke S., his voice tightening. “That really makes me upset to hear that.”
From there, Hannah goes into pure Jessica Fletcher mode (look it up, kids), determined to uncover the truth about the Body Slam Incident. One by one, the guys profess their deep dislike for their rival: Dustin says Luke P.’s actions on the field were intentional and a form of “bullying.” Mike reveals that Luke P. told him “I think I’m going to tell her… that I’m starting to fall out of love with her. I think that I’m gonna quit the show.” Dylan reports that “95 percent of the guys in the house don’t get along with him.”
Oh hey — Kevin’s back!
Ouch. Feel better, buddy. When Luke P. strolls back into the room to join the rest of the guys on the couch, everyone starts laying into him. “I’ve got 14 friends in this house, and you could have seriously hurt one today,” says Garrett. “I’m gonna let you know that I’m not okay with that.” Mike jumps in next: “Hannah told your ass last week to stop making this about you, and you’re taking my motherf—ing time with the woman I’m trying to get to know.” In response, Luke P. just smirks — and Mike is not amused. “You laugh because you’re a f—ing psychopath!”
I probably don’t need to tell you, rose lovers, that Luke P. just makes things worse when he tries to explain the “sideline scuffle.” He goes from “I don’t remember how it happened” to “he’s coming up to me with clenched fists… I felt I needed to defend myself.” Garrett calls him out on the inconsistency of those statements, and suddenly Luke P. says he does remember what happened — thanks for jogging his memory, guys!
Good Lord, folks — we’re not even through the second date.
As Luke P. keeps squawking away, the rest of the guys start getting up and walking out, until only two people are left in the room.
“You know everyone in here thinks you’re nuts, right?” snaps Luke S. “How do you feel about that?” He goes on to yell at Luke P. for questioning if he is here for the Right Reasons™, and adds an “I never want to see you again in my life” for good measure. Luke P.’s all, But I’ve been nothing but respectful!, and that’s enough to send Other Luke out of the room in a huff.
Meanwhile, the one-on-one chats continue. Garrett wants the Bachelorette to know that he’s “crushin’ for you hard,” and Peter keeps the vibe upbeat by praising Hannah’s positive “energy.” Clearly one of these two is going to get the date rose. And the winner is… red-blazer Garrett! Maybe next time, Pilot Pete.
It seems like we’ve been watching this episode for about 3 weeks, but it ain’t over yet folks. Tyler C. still has to go on his very first one-on-one date. It doesn’t seem like Hannah’s much in the mood for an outing, though; instead, she’s sitting on a dock, crying about all the drama. Her feelings for Luke P. might be “the strongest” ones she has (yikes!), so the Bachelorette finds all of these questions about his character quite distressing. “I’m mad if I can’t even trust myself with my feelings!” she says weepily. “I’m just not all right today.”
Sorry, toots, but you’re gonna have to snap out of it. Production’s on a tight schedule, and there is not time for your emotional vicissitudes. And here comes Tyler, strolling up to the dock in his very New England peacoat. Always one to “keep it real,” Hannah informs Tyler that she’s “not that great” because last night was a sh–show and “I didn’t have the best morning.” (Hmmm… what do we suppose that is about?)
Tyler knows what to do. He wraps his arm around Hannah and reassures her that all of this televised frustration will be worth it in the end. “This is all going to make you better at the end of the day,” he says. “I want you in your highs and I want you in your lows… Today, I want to show you that I can be that guy who picks you up.” Oooh, that’s good.
With her spirits suitably lifted, Hannah and Tyler don their bright yellow fishing waders and head out on the sea to collect lobster traps. Mmmm… freshly cooked sea insect!
Now that is romantic. The duo head out for a proper dinner later that night at the White Horse Tavern. (It’s too bad they don’t actually eat the food — the menu looks good.) Hannah confesses to Tyler that she may have misjudged him — “To be completely blunt, I thought that you were like a little player” — but he doesn’t seem offended. (Not surprising, I guess, given that Tyler is a self-professed “big time griller, big time chiller.”)
Tyler says that he almost didn’t come on the show because his dad became seriously ill two months before filming began. But then fate — or, you know, primetime television — stepped in. During his dad’s recovery period, he and Tyler would watch The Bachelor together, “and he kind of like became a huge fan of you,” says Tyler. “He was like, ‘Ty, this is your girl.’”
Wait, did I just hear myself say “Awwwww, that’s so sweet!” out loud? Again, I ask you, rose lovers, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? Hannah eats it up, too, and Tyler gets the date rose.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph — another uncomfortable concert date?
When the final cocktail party arrives, both Tyler and Jed are wearing salmon-pink suit jackets. Guys, how hard is it to touch base before leaving the hotel suite? (Also, Mike’s wearing red pants again, and he still looks gooood.) Anyhoo… the night starts smoothly enough. Pilot Pete asks Hannah if she’ll “officially” be his girlfriend — “I’ll preface it with, I’m ok with you dating, like, 14 other guys at the same time” — and she says yes. Then they get horizontal and make out for a bit on the couch.
Things start to get a little testy when Mike, sitting with Kevin and Tyler, starts in on Luke P. “You and I both know for a fact that you — despite how you think that you feel — you’re the cause of her not being her happiest right now,” says Mike. Luke P. brushes it off and blames Luke S. for Hannah’s melancholy mood, and then he goes on to deny the knee-to-the-face accusation: “It was a piece of, like, my shin that caught his shoulder, and maybe his ear.” (But… but… didn’t you already say you don’t remember what happened?)
“You’re telling me you know something, and you didn’t see what happened!” huffs Luke P. (Maybe not, bro — but it is on tape.) Mike is disgusted, and he dismisses Luke P. as a “millennial f—,” which makes me love him even more. (Technically, though, both Mike and Luke P. are millennials. I also wish Mike wouldn’t swear so much when he gets angry; I feel like it hurts his chances to be the Bachelor. That and, you know, the whole “being black” thing.)
But is Luke P. truly a “psychopath,” as Mike insists? It just so happens that Luke P. has pulled up the definition on his phone, so let’s take a look to see if any of the listed qualities pertain to him.
Well, three out of six ain’t bad. Mike also scoffs at Luke P.’s claim that he felt threatened by the (far less muscular) Luke S. “You want to come after somebody, come after me homie,” warns Mike.
“I’m not threatened by anybody,” Luke P. shoots back. “Especially not you.”
Meanwhile, Luke S. is hoping he can convince Hannah that he would never come on The Bachelorette just to promote his fledgling tequila company. After all, his parents were social workers! “I see both sides,” says the Bachelorette. “I’m at a point where I just don’t know who to trust… I’m confused but also, like, irritated.”
This is not something Luke S. wanted to hear. “That conversation was a little alarming for me,” he says sadly. “I think that she’s siding with Luke P.” But Other Luke is not going out without a fight. He marches right up to Luke P. and asks if he (Luke P.) really believes that he (Luke S.) is only there to sell tequila. “No,” says Luke P., after a pause. “I plan on telling her that I do believe that you are here for the right reasons.”
Wait, what? Yes, now Luke P. claims to have empathy for his rival, because Hannah is questioning his character, too. “I totally understand how you feel.” Dude, the only reason your integrity is in question is because you slammed a guy to the ground for no reason and then took a giant dump on his reputation! My brain hurts.
Either way, with only about seven minutes left in the episode, we’re not going to get a conclusion — or a rose ceremony — tonight. But let’s listen in as Luke P. makes his Hail Mary attempt to come out victorious in the Luke vs. Luke showdown.
Not only does Luke P. fail to admit that he was wrong about Luke S. (“my opinion about him being here for the right reasons… nothing has changed”), he also informs Hannah that Luke S. asked him to “put in a good word” for him. Okay, so even if Luke P. doesn’t exactly fit the psychopath profile, he sure as hell fits snugly in the “pathological liar” category.
Our poor Bachelorette doesn’t know what to believe, so she sits down with Luke S. to keep this twisted game of telephone going. And then Luke S. goes back to confront Luke P. about his latest lie, while the rest of the guys pray for the sweet release of death.
“Lemme just tell you, man, karma is a bitch,” warns Luke S. “And you’re gonna get yours.”
Uh-oh! Hannah’s been listening from the next room, and now she wants to see both Lukes in private. You guys are in trou-ble! We’ll have to wait until next week to find out which guy gets sent packing (did you notice the promo for next week carefully avoided the Lukes in future footage?), so in the meantime, let me hear your thoughts, rose lovers. Will Hannah come to her senses, or will she keep Luke P. around even though literally every other guy there has told her he’s an ass? Do you think she likes Jed or Tyler more? And what’s with all the red and pink sports coats? Post your thoughts below, and I’ll see you here next week.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.