In week, Luke's intense devotion starts to work Hannah's nerves, and the men experience the pain of childbirth on a group date.
Guys, I’m worried about Hannah. Last week, our Bachelorette was so exhausted and overwhelmed that she started crying actual tears at the second cocktail party. And now in week three, she wound up in the hospital after passing out! We’ve got at least six more weeks of this “journey” left, rose lovers — and at this rate, poor Hannah will be in a medically induced coma by hometowns. If anyone would like to start a prayer chain to keep our fragile Bachelorette standing until the finale, hit me up in the comments.
The episode begins with a lot — and I mean a LOT — of very high hair.
Bedhead, or product abuse? You be the judge. Though in Garrett’s case, it seems like his hair is staging some kind of coup and actively attempting to separate itself from his scalp. Anyhow, it’s group date time.
Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Jed, Tyler C. Mike, and Cam (blech) meet Hannah on a pleasant-looking street in Los Angeles, but what’s waiting for them inside is truly terrifying…
“The guy from American Pie!” That’s right, John Paul Jones. Jason Biggs and his wife Jenny Mollen are here to teach the dudes about pregnancy and childbirth. First, they quiz the men on basic pregnancy facts — I’ve gotta believe Cam was kidding when he guessed that the gestational period for a woman was “2 weeks” — and then have them don “empathy bellies” and care for baby dolls that cry at random, like real babies.
But the real purpose of this date activity, it seems, is for Hannah to get symbolic, torturous revenge against men for all of the physical pain women endure during pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing. To simulate the agony of breastfeeding, for example, Hannah clamps clothespins on the guys’ nipples. And then the real S&M shiz starts: A labor simulator!
The nurse attaches electrode pads to each guy’s stomach and then zaps him with electrical currents that allegedly mimic the intense pain of contractions. One by one, the men submit.
Damn, even when Mike’s in excruciating pain he looks hot. Tyler C., meanwhile, tries to look all male-model sexy during his turn (“I’m pretty sure he thought it was a photo shoot,” jokes Hannah) — but once the electricity started flowing he lost his chill pretty quick.
John Paul Jones, meanwhile, screams and writhes so much he nearly falls off the table — and almost breaks Hannah’s hand in the process.
Here’s what we learned during the evening portion of the date: Hannah wants to move to Nashville (which, conveniently, happens to be where Jed lives); the local McDonald’s must have been having a sale on chicken nuggets because there’s a big platter of ‘em at the cocktail party; Tyler G. knows he’s “arm candy;” and even when he’s wearing loud red pants, Mike looks gooood.
Time to get serious, though. The pregnancy-themed date brought up a lot of sad memories for Mike. As he explains to Hannah, he and his ex-girlfriend got pregnant, but then they lost the baby in the second trimester. “It was my fault because I wasn’t there for her at the time,” Mike says sadly. “It’s just one thing I can be a better man at.” It’s an intense and moving moment… so naturally, producers send Cam in to interrupt it! “Whenever you guys are wrapped up,” he mumbles, “I’ll just be outside.”
Instead, though, Cam lingers right out of frame, making everyone uncomfortable, until Mike politely asks him to GTFO. He and the Bachelorette share a tender smooch, and just as Hannah’s about to share something important with Mike, in walks Cam again! “I have something really important I need to tell her,” he explains weakly. “I haven’t had any time.” Mike does not back down (“You’re gonna get your time… I’ll come get you”), and then gives Hannah one last kiss as Cam watches.
Of course, Mike gives the guys a full report about Cam’s douchey actions. “I just got interrupted on three different occasions,” he tells them. “And twice, Hannah as well said you need to leave the room.” And thus, this week’s Cam-Mike rivalry (more on that later) is born.
So what was the “very important” thing Cam had to tell Hannah?
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, dude. You think that’s what Hannah wants to hear? If anyone’s going to value attention over financial stability in her marriage, it’ll be her.
Suddenly, Jonathan arrives like an avenging angel of karma, and he all but physically removes Cam from the couch. “What goes around comes around,” says Jonathan, who steps between Cam and Hannah as the former tries to walk the Bachelorette to the door. Rather than asking Jonathan to back off, Hannah sends Cam off with a limp hug. She’s probably annoyed with both of them, but at this point, the poor woman just wants to choose the lesser of two jackasses.
I probably don’t need to tell you, rose lovers, that this whole interaction does not sit well with Cam. “There’s a difference between being bold and being charismatic and romantic, versus being a little physical overpowering insecure chihuahua,” he complains to John Paul Jones. (Quick correction, Cam: Nothing you’ve done so far has been “charismatic” or “romantic.”) Once Jonathan is back on the couch with the rest of the guys, Cam attempts to intimidate him with an icy stare, but unfortunately for viewers, they do not come to blows. But here’s some good news: Mike gets the date rose! And I may or may not have said, “Damn, look at that butt!” out loud to my screen when he did.
The next day, babyfaced Connor S. is supposed to have a one-on-one date with Hannah, but…
Yes, it seems that earlier that morning our Bachelorette passed out and spent some time in the hospital. Though she was discharged, she’s still “not feeling 100 percent,” as she explains to Connor in the I’m Canceling Our Date card. Instead of going sailing for their date, she invites Connor to her hotel suite to keep her company as she convalesces. He brings her flowers and soup, and then gives her mouth-to-mouth.
Meanwhile, back at Casa Bachelorette, Luke is antsy and anxious because he’s the one who’s supposed to be comforting Hannah at her time of need. “It’s my job to care of her right now,” he insists. “I know she wants me over there.” He blithely tells the guys that if he were the one visiting Hannah and she told him to leave, he would refuse. “I’d say, ‘It’s all right, I’ll just curl up next to you in bed.’… I wouldn’t leave.” So according to Luke, leave means stay, no means yes. Good to know.
Since it’s such an abbreviated date, Hannah opts not to give Connor a rose before sending him off. Before he leaves, though, Connor plants post-its around the room listing things he loves about her — many of which, I should note, are her physical attributes (“your beautiful eyes,” “how pretty you look without makeup,” and so on). And she LOVES it. So much, in fact, that later that night, Hannah sends a driver to pick Connor up at the mansion so their date can continue.
The good news is, Connor gets a delayed date rose. The bad news? The second part of the date consists of dancing awkwardly in an empty room while someone named Lukas Graham croons a cloying love song. Our first painful “private” concert of the season, rose lovers! This season is growing up so fast.
We interrupt this recap for some breaking news:
If you recall, rose lovers, Tyler G. was the Superman lookalike who got the one-on-one date last week. Though we’re given approximately zero information about why he “had to leave,” the fact that we don’t see him saying goodbye to the guys or having a sad farewell chat with Hannah means producers wanted him out of the picture tout suite. It’s also unclear how much producers told the Bachelorette about the situation, but she says his departure is “upsetting because I really enjoyed my date with him.” Still, she’s ready to shake it off and “refocus, reset, and have a good time” with the rest of the guys.
Dylan, Peter, Garrett, Grant, Luke P., Luke S., Joey, and Devin pile into the party bus for group date number two. Today’s uncomfortable activity: A fancy photo shoot, where each guy will be paired up with a “top model.” Twist: The models are beasts — literally!
The men will be posing with dogs, a llama, a pig, a rat, a miniature horse, and a snake — and it’s all in service to this week’s paid sponsor, The Secret Life of Pets 2. But the infomercial aspect of this date doesn’t end with the animals: Team Bachelorette has also recruited Demi (again) to spy on the guys as they prep for their photos. “The Secret Life of Pets 2 is about what pets do in their secret lives whenever their owners aren’t around,” explains Demi. “So today we’re going to see what Hannah’s guys do… whenever she’s not around.”
Demi stations herself in front of a variety of surveillance camera feeds (again) and watches the guys from a hidden room. Her goal is to see how the men interact with the makeup artist and an animal trainer — who are actually two smokin’ hot actresses the show hired to flirt it up with Hannah’s potential husbands. The whole big product-placement-production is, however, a total bust, as none of the guys seem to take the bait. Money well spent, Universal Pictures!
Eventually, the guys do get to take some pics with Hannah, and Luke P. straight up can’t handle it. He barges into her shoot with Joey and then tries to follow the Bachelorette to her changing room, but she brushes him off with a nervous laugh. “I need him to slow his roll,” she tells us. “He is not guaranteed this. I have a lot of other relationships that are really great, too.” Testify, woman! Put that stalker in his place!
Indeed, that’s exactly what the Bachelorette plans to do. At the cocktail party, Hannah pulls Luke P. aside first to give him a little talking-to. “It’s annoying when Luke P. tries to flaunt our connection in front of the guys,” she says. Girl, you don’t need to tell us. Their come to Jesus chat gets off to a rough start, as Luke P. tells Hannah that he regrets “letting other guys develop a stronger connection with you… I really don’t think these guys have what it takes to be your future husband.” I’m sorry, you’re letting the guys develop connections with Hannah? So it’s your decision, not hers? Feel free to f— right off, Luke P. Hannah agrees.
“I’ve been struggling a little bit because I just feel like you already think it’s like promised to you and that bothers me a lot,” the Bachelorette explains. “I feel like your confidence in this kind of makes me irritated, in a way.” When Luke tries to cut her off, she shuts him down. “Hold on, let me talk.” To quote Tia, Yes, bitch. Yes.
Hannah goes on to school Luke P. on the difference between confidence and cockiness, and she scolds him for his pushy behavior: “I want it to change.” Do I even need to tell you, rose lovers, that Luke P. does not get the message? “I don’t feel like I’ve been acting that way,” he tells us. “I don’t see her seeing me like that. It doesn’t make sense to me.”
In other words, Luke P. disagrees with Hannah’s feelings — therefore her feelings, in his mind, are invalid. And so after his confessional, he marches off to find Hannah and explain to her why everything she thinks is wrong. But the Bachelorette is in the middle of chatting with Devin, and she isn’t about to let Luke P. interrupt her. “I will talk to you later, okay?” she says, sending him away. Much like herpes, though, Luke P. comes back time and again. He tries to cut into Hannah’s chat with Dylan but gets denied, and then he lurks in the hallway next to the room where Hannah is chatting with Garrett so he can intercept her when she leaves. It does not go over well.
“I don’t want to do this right now,” she whispers angrily. “I want to call my own shots.” And that, dear rose lovers, is exactly what Luke P. does not want. “Honestly, I can’t stand this process,” he tells the guys after slinking back to the couch. “I even had thoughts about leaving here tonight.” DO IT! He doesn’t, of course — but even if Luke P. did leave, Hannah probably wouldn’t notice, since she’s too busy making out with Pete the Pilot.
When it’s time to hand out the date rose, Hannah suddenly seems to remember that she promised to talk to Luke P. one last time. She takes him outside, the rose in her hand — leaving the rest of the guys to worry that the God-fearing stage-5 clinger is going to be rewarded for his behavior. But that does not happen.
Ouch. With Luke P. properly chastened, Hannah gives the date rose to Peter.
Uh-oh, it’s daylight and Harrison is back at the mansion! You know what that means, rose lovers: It’s time for the old “there won’t be a cocktail party tonight” fake-out. Instead, Hannah has decided to throw a tailgate party for the week’s final shindig. Get psyched, guys! Sun’s out, buns out.
But first, Cam has an important announcement (and it isn’t “Cannonball!”). He wants the guys to know that he has something “very, very personal and very serious” that he was planning to tell Hannah at the cocktail party. “This is something that has been a downfall in my past two serious relationships,” he continues, and he’s hoping the guys will let him be the first one to talk to the Bachelorette when the tailgate party starts. “There’s a strong likelihood that it may be too much for her to handle,” Cam adds, “and she sends me home before the rose ceremony.” As you can see, the rest of the guys are truly moved by this speech.
Mike, in fact, openly calls BS, and he’s not alone. How can Cam expect the guys to respect his time, says Other Luke, when he’s been so disrespectful of their time with Hannah? As for the Bachelorette, she just wants a “chill day” at their makeshift tailgate party, which the interns have set up in the mansion’s driveway. But just as Hannah’s done telling us that she doesn’t want to hear about “anything tragic,” Cam drags her to the pool so he can fill her in on his Very Important Backstory. Long story short: His leg was almost amputated, his grandma died, and he had to give away his puppy. I have to imagine there was more to it than that (why would any of those things cause Hannah to send Cam home?), but the show’s only two hours long and producers had to make some hard choices, I guess.
Now we’ve come to the part of the recap where I have to do something very painful, and that’s criticize my fantasy husband, Mike. I understand why Mike was annoyed with Cam’s latest show of theatrics, but the way he describes it to Hannah — “He sat us all down and told us that he was going to tell you a sad story to kind of get a pity rose” — is a long way from the truth. (Unless, like, Cam said something to that effect and producers cut it out?)
Either way, Hannah seems all too ready to believe the worst about Cam, and you can’t really blame her. “I’m really disappointed,” she says. “I don’t give pity roses.” She fetches Cam from the tailgate party and informs him that she finds the timing of his sob story quite suspect. Did he bring it up “in, like, a ditch effort to stay”? (She means “last-ditch effort,” of course, but she went to the hospital this week, so I’ll allow it.)
Cam vehemently denies that he was seeking a “pity rose,” but when Hannah asks him if he was writing goodbye letters to the guys earlier that morning — something Mike told her about, too — he does not deny it. “I was writing letters because I didn’t know how you would respond to [my story],” he explains. Blech. Hannah tells him his actions feel “really calculated” and that she needs to think about whether she can trust him again.
Spoiler alert: She can’t. Before heading off for the rose ceremony, Hannah pointedly tells the men, “If you get a rose, it is not a pity rose.” Damn, shots fired!
We interrupt this recap for another shot of Mike’s butt.
Though I can’t fully endorse Hannah’s accessories tonight (the necklace looks like a drapery cord and her lipstick is too dark), I can get behind most of her rose-related choices. Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Dylan, Grant, Luke P., Garrett, John Paul Jones, Matteo, Devin, Luke S., and Kevin join Connor and Mike in the winners’ circle. Bye-bye, Cam! (Until Paradise, at least.) We also must bid farewell to Joey and Jonathan, in case you were wondering.
What a week, rose lovers! Before you go, hit the comments section with your take on all of the shenanigans. How much longer before Luke P. completely implodes? Have we finally seen the last of Cam? And why were they waxing Garrett with something that looks like packing tape? Post your thoughts below!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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