After crashing the rose ceremony in Greece, Luke P. goes straight to the Men Tell All hot seat — and his apologies ring false with the guys and Hannah.
Credit: John Fleenor/ABC

Sometimes, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are all about delayed gratification. (Lookin’ at you, “To Be Continued” end cards!) But this week, rose lovers, the producers had mercy on us and let us go straight from last week’s Biblical showdown between Hannah and Luke to the almost-immediate aftermath. Even though no one (meaning Luke) got punched, it was still very satisfying. And then we got a full Men Tell All episode on top of it! Occasionally, life in Bachelor Nation is good.

The show opened in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where Harrison welcomed us to a “very different version of The Men Tell All” — before cutting right back to Crete, where Hannah and her cut-out evening dress is contemplating her last rose ceremony. As each of the final men arrive, we get a picture-in-picture shot of the MTA audience applauding ecstatically. (Tyler wins the applause-o-meter. Miraculously, no one boos Jed.)

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“I do love all of them in completely different ways,” sighs Hannah. On the bright side, Luke P. is gone! “I feel like, ‘F–k that guy!’” says the Bachelorette. “Not an ounce of me misses him, wants him in my life, or will question my decisions. I’m so glad Luke is finally gone, and I never have to see him again.”

Dammit, Hannah! Don’t you know that problematic bachelors are like Beetlejuice? If you say, “I never have to see him again,” they magically appear on site with a hand-held camera.

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I feel you, picture-in-picture woman. “This isn’t over for me yet,” Luke informs us, once again disregarding Hannah’s feelings and the fact that it is very much over for him. “She’s never told me that she loves me, but I know she loves me.”

How nice it must be to live in a post-truth bubble! Anyhow, Luke has a ring (def not Neil Lane), and he’s on his way to make Hannah his wife, come hell or high water. When Luke walks into the rose ceremony plaza, the guys look like they want to set him on fire.

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“Here comes our favorite,” mumbles Tyler grimly. And then, rose lovers, Luke takes his place in the bachelor lineup next to Jed, as though he has every right to be there. It is, in a word, astounding.

Meanwhile, Harrison is keeping Hannah busy right outside the plaza, and I’ll admit this whole charade was kind of worth it to see her all-too-composed reaction upon seeing Luke.

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Excellent question. Luke informs Hannah that he will not leave her alone until he gets a few things off his chest. “No!” she replies. When Tyler tries to diffuse the situation by telling Luke to fall back in line, Hannah steps in. “No, just go! GO!” I’m sure Luke thinks he’s being “devoted” and “romantic” when he tells Hannah he’s just going to “stand here all day” until she talks to him, but all he’s doing is awakening the Hannah Beast within.

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Do it! “Yeah you will leave, because I’ve already sent you home,” continues the Bachelorette, as the picture-in-picture audience cheers her on. “That’s not how this works!” The guys remain frozen to their spots, but they are loving this. “Thank you, God,” mutters Jed. And good Lord, rose lovers, it is incredibly satisfying to watch Hannah tear Luke another new a-hole — this time while wearing a hot gown.

“You’re so narcissistic!” she hollers at him. “And it’s always about ‘My this’ and ‘My that’ — this is not about your heart!” Yes, gurl, yes! When Luke once again insists that “this isn’t over for me yet,” Hannah takes matters into her own hands, literally.

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This sister is doin’ it for herself! Not only can Hannah B. move mountains, as Tyler likes to say, she can also move the podium away from a hypocritical “Christian” stalker who’s trying to interrupt her rose ceremony. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that this is perhaps one of the top five greatest moments in Bachelorette history.

But Luke still shows no signs of giving up, so the guys step in. Jed puts his hand on Luke’s arm to keep him from approaching Hannah again. “Lay your hands off me!” growls Luke, who clearly meant to say either “take your hands off me” or “lay your hands on me again and I’ll…,” but then he got confused and said both.

“Or what?” asks Tyler. Emboldened by the much larger Tyler, Jed escalates things. “Dude, get the f–k out,” he snaps. “Move!” Awww, snap — looks like Team Bachelorette is bringing in the big guns. Is that Big Paulie I see darting across the frame in the background?

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Harrison joins the scrum, too, but Luke is unfazed. “You know you were leading with your emotions last night,” he tells Hannah. “I know those last few minutes, that was not your character.” Leave it to Tyler the feminist dreamboat to have the perfect response to Luke’s insanity: “Why are you telling her who she is, bro?” Yes, you woke slab of man-meat. YES!

What’s that? Luke is now insisting that Hannah “misunderstood” what he told her the other night, and saying that “never have I ever condemned or judged you”? Yes, yes he has. But Hannah remains firm. She says for the 400th time that she has all the “clarity” that she needs and that her feelings for Luke are 100 percent gone. “Okay,” he says at last. “That’s all I needed to hear.” Dude, if that was all you needed to hear this whole thing never would have happened! Anyhow, take your “he went to Jared” bling and GTFO, mmmk?

“The Luke Show is so f–king over!” says Peter gleefully.

Not quite yet, I’m afraid. Rather than proceeding with the rose ceremony, the action now shifts back to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome for Luke’s moment in the hot seat. The crowd greets him with a smattering of tepid applause. “You had your say — it just went poorly,” Harrison begins. “And you wanted another say, right?” Oh no, Luke counters, I was just simply asking her a question. (That question being, “Are you a good Christian woman or a slut?”) Luke goes on to say that he acted so crazy that night in Greece because he was “completely blindsided.” To be fair, in Luke’s world, it is startling when a woman makes her own decisions.

“I’m literally getting fitted for a suit to propose in, and I’m finding out that the night before my one-on-one time with her, she’s having sex,” says Luke. “That’s not something I want in a future wife.” Bitch, then don’t go on The Bachelorette. Problem solved.

The only good thing I can say about Luke’s chat with Harrison is that at least this time, he thinks before he speaks. Sometimes, in fact, he thinks for a really long time — like 30 seconds or more — before speaking.

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“I was ready to fight through anything with her, that’s why I went back for her,” says Luke, his voice quavering. “It was frustrating being misunderstood.” Let me say this loud for the people in the back: NO ONE MISUNDERSTOOD YOU, LUKE! EVERYONE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEANT. “I admit to being prideful and arrogant,” he adds. “But I think the narcissist [accusation] was pushing it a little too far.”

You think wrong, dude. Meanwhile, rose lovers, please allow me to introduce you to the most obnoxious thing Luke has said so far: “If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing.” Even Harrison can’t keep his poker face together in the face of such idiocy.

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After a commercial break, though, Luke once again pulls the “what I meant is the exact opposite of what I said” trick he’s so fond of. “Obviously if I could go back,” he says, “I would change a whole lot.” Still, he’s “thankful” for everything that happened, which has helped him “learn and grow as a man.” Just as I was about to scoff at this assertion, Luke actually admits that in Rhode Island he “straight-up bold-faced lied” to Luke S., and that the “whole sideline conflict” did happen as Luke S. described it. (Note: The preferred term is “bald-faced lie.”)

“I watched this season — I didn’t like that Luke P. guy,” says that Luke P. guy. News flash: NO ONE likes that Luke P. guy. This idiot has all the makings of a sociopath, yet he just can’t pull it off in the end. Honestly, is there anything sadder than a failed sociopath?

Anyway, Luke complains about how hard it was to have all the guys come at him constantly. “From day one, I felt like I was on a rescue mission for Hannah.” Good GOD, he is intolerable. This lady knows what I’m talking about.

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Of course, Luke immediately backtracks: No, no, no, I don’t think Hannah needed to be saved from anything… except the other guys. Man, this segment is really dragging on a LONG time. If only some dude who got eliminated in week five would seize this moment to get a little more time on camera. Oh, hey there Devin!

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The crowd has no idea who he is, so Harrison helps them out. “This is Devin, everybody!” Devin sits down, resplendent in his red velvet blazer with rose embroidery, and launches into a speech/audition for the last few episodes of Paradise. “I feel like you are a man who wants to control a woman so that you can feel better about yourself,” says Devin. “And I’m sorry, but that’s not a man.” The crowd LOVES it, naturally, but Harrison wants to keep things moving so he sends Devin back to the holding pen so he can wrap things up with Luke. And by “wrap things up” I mean “sit in awkward silence for another 26 seconds while Luke formulates his latest unsatisfactory response.” He’s all, Yes, I want an independent woman — as long as she takes the Bible literally when it says a man is supposed to “lead and guide a woman in a relationship.”

Aw HELL no. This lady in red knows what I’m talking about.

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That’s enough of listening to Luke talk. Now let’s listen to the other guys talk about Luke! Harrison brings all the dudes out on stage — John Paul Jones, Connor, Garrett, and (our next Bachelor) Mike get the most applause — and invites them to share their wildly negative thoughts about Luke P. “You put that target on yourself,” says Mike. “I feel like Luke hasn’t learned a thing whatsoever. I think you are a narcissistic, cantankerous, misogynist. I think that your future wife is going to be a prisoner of you if you don’t learn how to change.”

Connor, your turn! “Honestly, I wish I had said this to you earlier, but just, like, f–k you, man.”

Dayum! To his credit (I can barely type that, by the way), Luke doesn’t get defensive. Instead, he admits to the guys that he was “extremely prideful,” that he lied, that he was “extremely immature.” Now, says Luke, “I hope that you guys can support me as I work on these things, and forgive me.”

Yeah, that’s gonna be a “no” from the guys.

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“A five-year-old who gets their hand caught in the cookie jar is gonna say I’m sorry,” notes Garrett. “You always apologize after the fact.” Even Grant jumps in from the back row to remind Luke that “no means no” — whether you’re talking sexual consent or rose ceremony consent. Only Matteo (this guy, in case you forgot) sticks up for Luke, suggesting that maybe the nationally televised humiliation was all “the punishment for his actions” that he deserved.

Side note: Do you prefer the term “secondary virgin” or “born again virgin”? Discuss.

At long last, it’s time for men who aren’t named Luke to spend some time in the hot seat. Let’s break it down.

John Paul Jones: The crowd greets JPJ with a chant of “John Paul Jones” and a producer-supplied “Shaka Brah” sign. Harrison praises him for having such a great time on the show, but does his “I’m not sure if you remember any of it” comment mean that JPJ was drunk most of the time? Or maybe the host just means the dude isn’t that bright.

“I’m just grateful for the experience,” notes JPJ. “When I got to the airport and the gas station, I’ll hear ‘John Paul Jones!’ pretty frequently. I appreciate the good vibes.” You’re about to regret saying that buddy, because a very vocal female fan is now approaching the stage… and she’s carrying a weapon. “I thought it was so cute when you had Hannah cut a piece of your hair off,” says the fan, who’s carrying scissors, and wearing a “WWJPJD” shirt that was definitely not handed to her by Bachelor interns when she arrived at the taping. “Could I please cut a piece of your hair off?”

Creepy. But John Paul Jones says yes, and then he and Harrison (and the audience) share some chicken nuggets.

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Anyhoo, brah, see you in Paradise.

Mike: He and Harrison discuss his emotional museum breakup with Hannah, and even though he’s hoping to get closure when Hannah comes out to face the guys, he has another message, too: “I still think she’s fine as hell.” Right back atcha, sir.

No, we will not be discussing whatever the hell The Bachelor Live on Stage is — other than to say KILL IT. KILL IT WITH FIRE!

The hot seats are over. Now, it’s Hannah time.

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Interestingly enough, Hannah says that upon reflection, she now realizes that her “love at first sight” feelings for Luke stemmed in part from “being really insecure about being the Bachelorette in the first place.” That first night, says Hannah, she was worried the guys would be disappointed with her, but “Luke made me believe that he was there for me, and it gave me hope from the beginning — and I held onto it a lot longer than I should have.” Now, Hannah knows that she “deserved so much more than what I put up with.” Cue the applause!

As for the big differences in the way she and Luke interpret their Christian faith, Hannah has this to say: “The basis of what I believe is love and loving others, and understanding, and not shaming. And his love was contingent on if I did the things that he wanted me to do, as he saw as a wife should do.” What she did or did not do in the Fantasy Suites, says the Bachelorette, is no one’s business.

“Fantasy Suites aren’t used for sex, Luke,” she says firmly. “You didn’t have one, so maybe you don’t know.” Oh, snap! That said, they’re totally used for sex — and that’s okay everybody! Live and let consenting adults live. “I’m so over being slut-shamed and being [told] like, that makes me not a woman of faith,” huffs the Bachelorette. “I live my life and make mistakes and sin every single day… That’s what grace is for.” These ladies know what Hannah’s talking about.

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As we’re coming back from the next commercial break, Luke P. gets out of his weird lucite stool thing and walks off stage. “That’s a perfect symbol of, ‘Let’s move on,’” says Harrison.

A few more notable moments from the episode:

*Hannah tells Mike that he deserves “the best,” and by that she clearly means that he deserves to be the next Bachelor.

*John Paul Jones has no hard feelings about being dumped by Hannah. “I would have let myself go if I were you,” he drawls. “Don’t worry about it.”

*Bloopers! The highlights include a cameraman climbing on the bed to get a good shot of Jed and Hannah making out, John Paul Jones’ love of the phrase “Yaaaas, queen,” and Hannah’s chair collapsing out from under her.

Then something really weird happens.

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Yes, Hannah is literally giving a to-the-camera apology to the viewing audience for making us spend so much time watching her with Luke. “It’s my fault — a lot his — but I did it,” she says. “I’m tired of talking about him… The Luke P. Show is canceled. We will not renew this season. Again, my apologies and God bless the United States of America. Roll Tide!”

I don’t even know where to begin with those previews. Hannah takes a tumble down a hill wearing high heels and couture! Mike Johnson showing up in Paradise! (I’m not pleased — it can only hurt his shot at Bachelor.) Demi making out with a woman in Paradise! John Paul Jones’ very un-chill crying! Chris Harrison making an oblique reference to all of the off-camera drama about Jed! It’s a lot.

The two-night (sob) finale is next week, rose lovers — can you believe it? Before you go, let me know what you thought about this hybrid Men Tell All episode. Is this really the last we’ll see of Luke? Do you think Hannah needed to apologize to viewers for all of the Luke drama — and if so, do you accept her apology? And who among us hasn’t wiped out while wearing heels? Post your thoughts below, and I’ll see you next week.

The Bachelorette finale airs Monday at Tuesday at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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