By Kristen Baldwin
July 15, 2019 at 10:00 PM EDT
ABC
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Halley’s Comet. The second coming of Jesus Christ. The third season of Westworld. The moment Alabama Hannah realizes Luke P. is a sexist douche-boat and sends his ass packing.

Finally, rose lovers, we can cross that off of our “things we’ve been waiting way too long for” list. Not only did the Bachelorette f— in a windmill, she told Luke that he can take his objections to her bodily autonomy and stick them where the sun don’t shine. Yes, the previews indicate that this isn’t the very last we see of Luke, but it also seems that Mr. P does not get a warm welcome upon his unexpected return.

Apologies, I’m getting ahead of myself, rose lovers. Let’s talk Fantasy Suite dates.

Hannah and her dudes travel by map to the “absolutely breathtaking” island of Crete, Greece. “It is a dream place to fall in love,” notes Hannah. “Especially because…”

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Sing it, sister! “It’s been a long time since I’ve been physical at all with a man,” says Hannah. “But Fantasy Suite week is not about sex.” It’s about getting “real, raw” time away from the cameras, she explains.

Sure — but it’s also about sex, and Hannah is fine with that. Her first date is with Peter, and the Bachelorette says “if all goes well” the two of them will [breaks into song] “get down pa-ta-bow-oooooh in the Fantasy Suite.”

And what better foreplay than a romantic sailing trip through the crystal-blue waters of the Mediterranean Sea?

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There’s a lot of making out on this date, of course, but Peter’s still a little skittish about telling Hannah that he capital-L Loves her. “Do you know how much I like you?” he murmurs, as they recline on the boat deck. “You have no idea.” That’s right, she doesn’t — because you haven’t told her, dummy! As Hannah wraps her legs around Peter and arches her back in ecstasy, the poor deckhand pretends not to notice and raises the sail.

Pilot Pete knows he has to drop the L-bomb at dinner, as “terrifying” as it may be. He works his way up to it, telling Hannah that he was thrilled about how well their hometown date went. “I remember leaving that date feeling so good about where we’re at and where we can go,” he says. “I, um…”

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“So when we were flying…” Oh, come ON, Peter. She knows you love flying. EVERYONE knows you love flying. Just say “I love you.” You can do it: I. Love. You. It won’t kill you. Yes, we know not all your previous relationships were perfect. Yes, we know that you have never met anyone like Hannah before. Yes, we know you can be your “true self” with her. Just spit it out! Finally, Peter manages to put all of these many thoughts together: “It made me realize how in love with you I am.”

Thank you, reality TV Jesus! Now get these randy kids to the Fantasy Suite, stat! Actually, should I say the Fantasy Windmill?

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And it comes equipped with its own supply of “rubbers,” which Hannah finds inside a wooden chest. “That was not me this time!” insists Peter, blushing and trying to block the camera with his hand. Anyhow, they came in handy. Doesn’t this look like a satisfied customer?

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“Last night was the best night of my life,” says Peter. “We came together, like, so much last night and just bonded.” Uh, we probably didn’t need all that information, Pete. Thanks.

Pilot Pete is feeling “mic drop” confident, but Hannah still has three more dudes to test drive. Next we’re off to Elounda, Crete, where Tyler and his tight pants are waiting to greet Hannah with open arms. (To be fair, as snug as Tyler’s jeans are, they’re practically baggy compared to his hometown slacks.) Today’s date consists of a couples’ massage, which quickly turns into a thruple, as Tyler slips off his table and starts manhandling Hannah as she lies face-down.

The two massage therapists quickly scurry out of the room, which is good because Hannah and Tyler were about to make their work environment very hostile (and horny). “I’m 1,000 percent sure that physical intimacy with Tyler is not an issue,” Hannah informs us. “I want to be physical with him.” You don’t say?

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Still, the Bachelorette feels “nervous and scared” that her connection with Tyler is more physical than emotional.

Hannah’s mission at dinner, then, is to determine whether Tyler can truly be her “forever” person. And when they sit down, she gets right to the point. “There is a concern for me about our physical relationship,” she tells him. “It is a huge part of our relationship… But, like, it has to be more.” To that end, continues Hannah, “I don’t want to go into the Fantasy Suite and have sex because I don’t feel like that’s what our relationship needs.” Bless his heart, Tyler tries his very hardest not to look as disappointed as he is by this news.

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“I just want to be with you,” he says. “You have to love and respect and honor each other’s boundaries, you know? I would never press you or pressure you at all.” Congrats, Tyler — everything you just said is perfect! And it’s clear you actually mean it! As for his declaration of love? It’s a little choppy — “I can stand here today, like, and tell you, like, I do love you, like” — but we’ll allow it.

Hannah, too, is pleased with everything Tyler’s had to say. “I think he handled what I said really well tonight,” she reports. “It didn’t faze him… I feel really good about going into a Fantasy Suite with him and just being respected.”

A man who respects Hannah’s ability to decide what she does and does not want to do in the Fantasy Suite — imagine that!

After a night of celebrating each other’s boundaries, Hannah and Tyler emerge from the Fantasy Yacht with coffee and smiles. Ah — to be young, respectful, and in love. “I had a really great night with Tyler,” says Hannah. “We would make out and he would stop and just hold me… He was the most respectful man that’s ever been with me. Ever.”

Wow, it’s gonna be hard to follow that, Jed. Especially when you’re already so salty about Luke getting a rose last week. “It was just hurtful to stand there next to Luke,” he says. “But I don’t want to let someone else affect our relationship.”

Clearly.

The date Hannah has planned involves crashing a random Greek family’s gathering. There’s traditional Greek dancing, delicious-looking food, and something called “life water,” which the patriarch of the family calls “typical Greek Viagra.” When the woman across the table tries to make polite small talk about whether she and Jed might marry, Hannah gives a little too much information. “I’m not ready to make a decision just yet,” she says. “This week is really important to me — I get more time with the four men that I’m dating.”

Naturally, the nice Greek lady has another question.

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Of course, Jed is sitting right there. So yeah, Hannah — how are you going to decide? The Bachelorette mumbles something about falling in love in “different ways” and says she needs “clarity” before making her final pick. Rather than just stewing in silence, Jed pipes up to say how hard it is to watch Hannah fall in love with other people. The Greek lady nods politely, no doubt wishing she could just enjoy her spanakopita and salad in peace.

This whole exchange rankles Jed so much he asks Hannah to step away from the party so they can talk in private.

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Though he probably wants to scream “WHY THE F— IS LUKE STILL HERE?” Jed manages to keep it together. “I just don’t fully understand how you can be as amazing as you are and even consider someone like him,” he says.

“Like, how honest do you want me to be?” Hannah asks. Oh, 100 percent girl. Spill it all. “At the beginning, I had a really strong connection with him that I really couldn’t describe,” she says. “I met his family, I do think he’s here for me. And there is a connection, but I’m still trying to figure it out.” All she really has to go on, adds Hannah, is “a feeling.” Jed is clearly not satisfied with this answer, but he lets the matter drop… until dinner, at least.

In fact, that night it’s the Bachelorette who brings Luke up first. “I actually do appreciate the conversation that you pulled me aside for,” she says. “I know how you feel about me, and I see it as coming from a good place.” (If only.) With that said, Hannah is hoping that the “talking about Luke” portion of the date will be over. “We good?” she asks Jed with a smile.

Nope. Jed has one last thing he’d like to get off his chest — and it’s a doozy. “It kind of says a lot about your decisions when you can look at me and tell me you’re falling in love with me, and then also keep around somebody who’s been toxic to this process for you and everyone else,” says Jed. “It makes me feel worried that you have a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for you in your life.”

Let’s play What’s Hannah Thinking Right Now?, rose lovers!

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Is it…

  1. “How DARE you?”
  2. “Oh crap, he figured me out!”
  3. “Shut your dirty whore mouth, player player!”

Answer: None of the above! All Hannah cares about right now is whether Jed is “uncertain” about his feelings for her, given the Luke P. of it all. “It causes me to just feel worried,” says Jed. “And when I feel worried, I feel like I retract how I feel.”

Can we just all take a moment to appreciate the irony of this situation? Jed, who allegedly left a serious girlfriend back home when he went on The Bachelorette to promote his music career, is now saying he’s worried about Hannah’s judgment.

Of course, the whole conversation makes Hannah feel awful. “Thanks, man,” she says with a wry laugh. “I don’t want you to go any further. I think I’m good now.” But there is anger behind her laughter, too. Why can’t Jed just trust her to make her own decisions? Who is he to tell her which guys are and aren’t acceptable final-four options? “I’m really frustrated,” she says. “That makes me mad.” With that, she gets up from the table, leaving the poor camera operator to chase her through the tavern. Of course, Jed follows her, too.

“Arrrgh! I do not want to do this anymore,” fumes Hannah, turning her back to Jed. He refuses to give her some space though and instead asks for a hug. Because when a woman walks away from you and turns her back to you, it means “please get in my personal space,” right rose lovers?

Once they’re back at the table, the Bachelorette makes this reasonable request: “I just want somebody at the end of the day that can trust decisions I’m making.” Sensing he’s pushed Hannah enough for one night, Jed backtracks, saying he trusts her decisions and knows she’ll make the right decision for her.

Welp, that’s settled. How about a night in the Fantasy Suite, you two?

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“My soul’s invested in this,” Hannah says, right before Jed shuts the door to their suite and announces, “Comin’ to mama!” Yikes.

The morning-after sequence is shot in extreme closeup, and Jed and Hannah cuddle and smooch in their luxurious hotel bed. “I’m more sure than I’ve ever been about you,” drawls Jed. “I’m more sure about you, Mr. Jed Wyatt,” replies Hannah, as the camera appears to hover inches from their heads.

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“We didn’t sleep a wink,” Jed informs us. “It felt like a dream.” Yeah, yeah, yeah — enough of that guy. On to the main event!

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You’re the one all right, buddy — the one we all want to disappear. (Ba-dum-bum.)

I think we can all agree that the daytime portion of this date does not matter. Suffice it to say that Hannah and Luke take a helicopter to the island of Santorini; they both talk a lot about their “connection;” the scenery is incredible. Hannah, for one, is ready to get down (pa-ta-bow-ooooh!) with Luke, who she says is the best kisser of the bunch. “I don’t know what his church is teaching him, but that boy can kiss!”

Once the sun sets, though, it doesn’t take long for things to go south. Luke launches into a speech about the importance of marriage and what a big commitment it is, and what he wants for himself and his future wife. (“I want it the way I want it,” he says.) Luke praises Hannah for being a “spiritual leader” in her household… and then says he’s “so ready” to “make history” in his family. “I want to make sure that from now on, things are known how they’re supposed to be.”

I’m sorry… what is happening? Hannah, too, seems a little confused by Luke’s vaguely grandiose ideas.

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Oh, it’s time to panic, girl. Let’s listen in as Luke schools Hannah about morality and marital hygiene. Sex is “incredible” and “beautiful,” but “only when it’s in the guidelines of marriage.” As stated in the book of Hebrews, Luke continues, the marriage bed “should be kept pure.” Even though he and Hannah are not virgins, Luke is “confident” that they’re on the same page about “morals.” Now he just wants verbal confirmation from Hannah that she has not or will not defile her future marriage bed by getting down (pa-ta-bow-oooh!) with Jed, Tyler, or Peter. “I just want to hear it from your mouth,” he says. “I just want to make sure you’re not going to be sexually intimate with the other relationships here.”

Though she says, “Okay,” it’s pretty clear Hannah cannot freaking believe what she is hearing. And Luke, that glorious jackass, just keeps talking to fill the silence. “If you told me you’re having sex, or you had sex with one or more of these guys,” he continues, “I’d be wanting to go home, 100 percent.”

At this point, Hannah would be perfectly justified in throwing a glass of Ouzo in Luke’s face and walking away, but she struggles to keep her cool. “Some of the things you that you said, like, I don’t agree with at all,” she tells him. Then her voice gets stronger. “I’m, like, kinda mad, because the way that you just said that — it’s like, why do you have the right to do that? Because you’re not my husband.”

Now she’s on a roll. Luke tries to cut her off and she just stops him with a firm, “No.” (I may have screamed “F–k yeah Hannah B!” at my screen in that moment.) “I get when you care for somebody that you don’t want to think about somebody being intimate with another person,” she continues, “but guess what? Sex might be a sin out of marriage, [but] pride is a sin too. And I feel like this is a pride thing.”

Read him, Hannah! Read. Him. Throw that Bible knowledge right back in his smarmy, cartoon-character-looking face! Luke tries to regain his footing, suddenly agreeing that okay, maybe he didn’t have the right to ask her whether she slept with the other guys. “I just want to know what’s going on,” he says. Unfortunately for him, he also tries to interrupt Hannah again, and the Bachelorette does NOT love it.

“I’m a grown woman and can make my own decisions,” declares Hannah.

Rose lovers, I honestly cannot believe what comes out of Luke’s mouth next. It is truly a next-level accomplishment in misogyny and abject cluelessness. He says, and I quote, “I can understand a slip-up. But, like, with all of them? If you were like, ‘You know what? I just want to have sex with everyone and see what it’s like,’ then yeah, I would be like, ‘Okay, I’m gonna talk to you, but I’m outta here.’”

That is like the Ripley’s Believe It or Not of horrifying stupidity. Forget about the fact that this dating franchise has been on for 17 goddamn years — and Luke just described what happens every season during Fantasy Suites on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. What’s truly appalling about this is Luke’s belief that in 2019, he is entitled to pass judgment on any adult woman — even a religious woman — who chooses to have sex.

“The words that you’re saying are just, like, really not okay,” Hannah informs him. We watch as it slowly dawns on her: Yes, everybody else was telling the truth about Luke. And she is pissed. This is the guy, after all, who sparked a “love at first sight” flutter in her heart when he got out of the limo. This is the guy she defended again and again, despite all the bulls–t. “Honestly, you have already broken my heart through this, like truly — and I’ve broken my own heart because I’ve allowed everything,” says Hannah. “And to ignore all the red flags for how I feel… to have you say this about me?”

Aw HELL no. Hannah goes on to tell Luke that she, in fact, is a “woman of faith,” and his premarital sex deal-breaker is hypocritical and meaningless. “I could have exed you off so many times from being my husband for things that I want out of a relationship,” she says. “There’s so many things that I don’t want out of a husband that you’ve shown.”

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Exactly. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. “You have not shown respect for any of the guys here, and I’m finally seeing that,” Hannah says. “I have prayed so much for clarity, and I feel like I’ve finally gotten clarity on you. And I do not want you to be my husband.”

Tears, rose lovers. I am crying actual tears of joy. I am cranking N’SYNC at this very moment.

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Of course, Luke refuses to believe that this is the end for him. Even after Hannah stands up from the table and literally says, “It’s over, come on,” he remains seated and keeps asking for a chance to speak. The dude even has the audacity to claim that Hannah owes it to him to hear him out. “I don’t owe you anything at this point!” she snaps. “Please, get up!”

I’d say that it’s time for the producers to call in Big Paulie, but it seems like Hannah has the situation under control. Luke makes one last desperate plea as they stand beside the Reject SUV, insisting that he’s not “judging or condemning” her and that he’s certain they have a future together. So what if Hannah literally just said she doesn’t want him to be her husband? She’s a woman, so she couldn’t possibly know what she really wants! “There’s something in me that is refusing me to get into that vehicle right now,” Luke says. Hannah’s all, Challenge accepted.

“I have had sex,” she replies. “And Jesus still loves me.”

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You can clench your fist all you want, Luke — it doesn’t change the fact that you lost. Oh, and here’s what you can do with your offer to “pray over” Hannah before you leave.

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“I answer to the Lord,” says Hannah. “I don’t answer to Luke.” A-freaking-men! As for the whole “I never have to deal with him again” thing…

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Ugh. But for now, rose lovers, let’s celebrate! The scales have fallen from Hannah’s eyes and she sees Luke P. for the colossal jerk that he really is. We’ve been waiting for this moment for weeks — was it as satisfying as you hoped it would be? Now that he’s out of the picture (mostly), who do you want Hannah to choose in the end? And how much money would you pay to watch Tyler punch Luke P. in the face at next week’s rose ceremony? Post your thoughts below!

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 10 p.m. on ABC.

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Chris Harrison hosts the romantic reality competition series in which one single woman searches for her future husband amid a sea of studs. Will you accept this rose?
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