Paul Hebert/ABC
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May 28, 2018 at 10:01 PM EDT

The Bachelorette

type
TV Show
genre
Reality TV
run date
01/08/03
performer
Chris Harrison
broadcaster
ABC
seasons
14
Current Status
In Season

I absolutely will not begin this recap by saying something obnoxious like, “It’s time to do the damn thing, rose lovers!” That would almost be as uncalled for as opening this season of The Bachelorette with a close-up of Becca’s face as she sobs so much over Arie that tears are literally dripping off her nose.

ABC

Of course, it’s all part of Team Bachelorette’s effort to get us up to speed on events that 97.3 percent of people watching are already intimately acquainted with: Arie proposed, changed his mind, and left Becca heartbroken/available for nine more weeks of filming. “This is my time, my turn, my decisions, my choice,” declares Becca. “I want to be a strong woman… to show other women that you just have to push through to get to what you truly want in life.”

And the first thing you’ll see when you push through that door, “ladies,” is a group of former Bachelorettes sitting in your living room just dying to give you some “sage” advice. (Yes, Harrison did really refer to this advice as “sage.”) Though I will admit, Rachel does make some good points: One, it’s important to pick a man who will be a good mate in “real life,” and two, women “do a better job of that.” After all, all these “ladies” are still engaged many (many, many) months later.

ABC

Most Bachelors, meanwhile, pull the plug on their “relationships” after a few weeks. Speaking of terrible men, Rachel insists on lighting some sage to cleanse Casa Bachelor of its bad karma — and yeah, Becca’s hooha could probably use some good juju too.

ABC

With that out of the way, let’s meet the guys!

Clay, 30: This fine-looking hunk of man is apparently in the NFL, though he’s currently on something called the “injured reserve list,” which I guess means he’s free to date on TV? Though big and beefy, Clay also wants us to know he’s a real teddy bear with a soft spot for his family.

Garrett, 29: A goofball from Reno who works an impression of Chris Farley’s “van down by the river” character Matt Foley into his intro video? What’s not to love! (UPDATE: Oh dear, turns out there’s quite a bit to question about Garrett, if his Instagram history is any indication.)

Jordan, 26: Wow, this guy holds down two jobs — he’s a professional model and a full-time jackass! Congrats, Zoolander.

Lincoln, 26: Look, I really wanted to like this guy. He’s handsome, he’s got that sexy Nigerian accent, he’s a mama’s boy. But I then I read something that I have since confirmed independently, and… guys, I’m at a loss here. Look, if you want to know, I will share the link — but BE WARNED: You will NEVER be able to remove this image from your mind’s eye. Still wanna know? Click here, and then come right back. We’ll wait.

Joe, 31: Holy Mary Mother of God, this guy has an actual, honest-to-goodness job. He owns a grocery store in Chicago! Unfortunately, that means he has to say this producer-sanctioned groaner: “I deal in produce, but the one thing I haven’t produced yet is love.”

Jean Blanc, 31: From Florida by way of Port au Prince Haiti, this guy owns over 100 bottles of cologne and calls himself a “colognoisseur.” So… unemployed, I guess?

Colton, 26: Fair, blue eyes, thick neck, nice teeth, stupid name. Used to be a pro football player until an injury cut his career short. Now he runs a charity to help kids with cystic fibrosis, like his little cousin Harper. Okay, now I feel bad about saying he has a stupid name. (Next: The limos arrive)

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