Becca Kufrin The BacheloretteCredit: ABC
Credit: ABC

We’ve made it all the way to Chaing Mai, Thailand, rose lovers, and Becca has some breaking news:

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Credit: ABC

Ouch, thanks for playing, Jason! At least you got a free trip to Thailand out of this ordeal. As for the lucky two men Becca does love? Everything with Blake is “effortless,” but she’s worried about whether Garrett “can challenge me and push me” and “last for a lifetime.” Only one thing can help Becca calm these fears: A trip to the Fantasy Suite!

The first date of the week goes to Blake, and it begins the way all of Becca’s one-on-ones have started this season.

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Oh, a little rocky on the approach, but she pulled through at the end. I’ll give this Leg Wrap a score of 7.9. “I missed you so frickin’ much!” yelps Becca. “It’s been way too long.” The Bachelorette informs Blake that during their hike through the ancient temple grounds, they won’t be allowed to kiss or touch each other, so they smooch a few hundred more times before beginning their trek. That said, I’m pretty sure they’re still holding hands once they cross the sacred threshold, so…

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Anyhow, Becca and Blake have an “old and cultural” time meeting with two Buddhist monks, who tell them about how important honesty, acceptance, patience, and giving are in a relationship. “I definitely missed honesty in my last relationship,” says Becca — and somewhere, a racecar driver-turned-realtor named Arie felt his ears burn.

That night, Becca dons a modified Marilyn Monroe-style dress for dinner at the hotel with Blake. Once again, the guy is deep into a self-made hate hole: “Is she kissing and is she hugging and is she blushing the way she is with me with the other guys?” Oh Blakey, of course she is. Do you really need her to say it out loud? Apparently.

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Obviously, Becca can’t give Blake the answer he really wants, so she gently tries to reassure him that she felt the same way when Arie was choosing between her and Lauren, and yeah, it’s no fun to be so “in your head” about things. “You have been the most solid and the most consistent, to the point that I feel like it’s too good to be true sometimes,” continues Becca. “I was so afraid that something was going to come to f— it up.” Blake insists that won’t happen — and now Becca’s the one getting nervous. “Oh my God, knock on wood! I’m so superstitious!”

It’s all a little awkward, which makes sense, though Becca doesn’t seem at all fazed when Blake says he’s always been “the kind of guy who looks for a reason to stay, not for a reason to go.” Even though that sounds red-flaggy to me — like, he’s prone to staying in relationships that aren’t working — Becca says the sentiment “means everything” to her, because she’s used to guys who leave. Plus, she probably just wants to get to the Fantasy Suite — and clearly, so does Blake.

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Cut to: Becca cuddling in bed with Blake the next morning, sporting a black silk robe and a full face of makeup.

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For the sake of her pores, I sincerely hope this lewk is courtesy of an early-morning visit from The Bachelorette glam squad. All righty, Blake — please release Becca from your clutches, because she’s got two other dudes to test drive. Oh no, don’t cry buddy — I’m sorry I was flippant.

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Do you think Becca gets at least a day to detox between overnight dates? I sure hope so. (Next: Jason experiences future shock)

The next day (humor me), she meets Jason outside the Sunday market — and in the first sign that things aren’t going to go well, Becca does not wrap her legs around Jason’s torso as a form of greeting.

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Then she makes the poor guy eat crickets! But he has no idea what’s about to hit him. “I have found my best friend, my partner, and what I want to be my fiancée,” he gushes. As they stroll through a temple, Becca makes a joke about decorating a home together with giant stone dragons… and then instantly regrets it. “After I said it, I wanted to take it back right away,” she admits. “Because at that moment, I felt like I couldn’t see him in [my] future.” The Bachelorette is visibly anxious and fidgety, so a female producer suggests they go sit in the shade and talk about what’s making her upset.

Credit: ABC

As Jason sits alone on some steps nearby, Becca admits that talking about a future with him “felt weird.” Of course it does, honey — because you don’t want to marry him. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. Ever the good soldier, Becca pushes through the anxiety and meets Jason for dinner — but as he goes on and on about the “confidence” he has in his love for her, it’s pretty clear that she’s struggling. She tentatively tries to tell Jason that talking about their future together made her feel “a little off,” but then finds herself at a loss for words.

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Uh-oh. Becca tries to walk off her nerves, but no amount of pacing will change the fact that it’s time to send Jason home. “Oh my God, I hate myself,” she murmurs in the dark. Meanwhile, poor Jason is just waiting alone at the table, “scared s—less” that something’s about to go very wrong. And as we know, dear rose lovers, his fears are justified. “I can’t put you through an overnight and me through an overnight if it’s not 100 percent there,” Becca says quietly. Jason pushes back, saying if there’s even the tiniest chance that they have “potential” for a future together, she should spend the night with him. Stay strong, girl — your gut knows best!

“I just don’t think that we can get there at the end,” Becca replies, and Jason, though disappointed, accepts her decision at last. “I came into this rooting for your happiness,” he says sadly. “I’ll always leave rooting for your happiness — so I hope you find it.” Good answer, sir! You’ll be okay. As for Becca, she’s going to need some time to get over her guilt.

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“I’ve dated terrible people in the past, and he’s such a good person,” Becca says weepily. “That’s why I’m wondering what’s wrong with me.” Girl, other than the fact that you’re trying to choose a mate on TV, nothing is wrong with you. There are three dudes left — unless you want to pitch TLC on a Sister Wives spinoff called Brother Husbands, you’re gonna have to send two of them home. (Next: Glamping with Becca and Garrett)

And things are already looking up for her date with Garrett. Just look at that leg-wrap!

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“I know that Garrett is falling in love with me,” says Becca. “But I want to make sure, too, that he can see himself… committing to me.” Their rafting date hits a little snag, though, because it happens to fall on a Thai national holiday — which means the river is bumper-to-bumper bamboo rafts.

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“Today was very chaotic, to say the least,” says Becca. “But we still had so much fun.” That said, our Bachelorette says she’d “love to hear that Garrett is in love with me.” Seriously — doesn’t he know how this show works? If you don’t say “I love you” by overnights, you’re simply not playing by the rules.

When night falls, Garrett gives a whole speech about facing his fears — the fear of another failed engagement, or worse, a failed marriage — which prompts Becca to start the “So if I pick you, where would we live?” conversation. (As always, it’s stunning to me that these couples don’t talk about such basic logistics before their final week together.) “What’s awesome, like, about me is that my career — I can go anywhere,” says Garrett, adding that he’d be happy to meet “somewhere in the middle.”

That’s great, buddy, but she wants to hear I love you. Not “I genuinely care so much about you.” Not “I haven’t genuinely felt this happy in my entire life.” Not “I just feel, like, so good about you and I.” But when it seems like he’s not going to drop the L-bomb, Garrett pulls through… after an awkward, brow-wiping pause.

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“Seeing how you interacted with my family, I realized how much I truly do love you,” he says finally. “I hope you’re the last woman I ever have to say that to.” Wait, saying “I love you” falls into the “have to” category for Garrett? Man, that is not encouraging. Not that Becca’s worried — it’s Fantasy Suite time. Cue the morning-after shot!

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After more cuddling and smooching, Becca detaches from Garrett and ventures off into the rain to prepare for the now-totally-unnecessary rose ceremony. But first…

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You didn’t really think that sad SUV ride was the last we were going to see of Jason, did you? This show is two damn hours long — something’s got to fill the time. To that end, a tearful Jason has come looking for “closure” — a natural request, but one that’s nearly impossible to fulfill. What else can Becca say besides “I just like the other guys better”? All she can do is tell Jason how “terrible” she feels about what happened, and that he’s really “one of the best guys” she’s ever met. All Jason can do is give Becca the scrapbook he put together documenting their “meaningful story,” and then bid her farewell with a bittersweet “keep in touch.”

As for the rose ceremony, it’s devoid of drama, barring the blip of intrigue when Blake and Garrett realize Jason is not coming. Becca, by the way, informs Harrison that she will not be telling both Blake and Garrett that she loves them, because she wants to “save those words for just one guy.” (Yeah, Arie.) For now, though, roses for everyone!

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Credit: ABC

“I don’t even know what I would say if she said goodbye — it would suck,” says Garrett tearfully. As for Blake, he remains tensely optimistic: “I just don’t think they have what we have. I really don’t — I really don’t.” But what do you think, rose lovers? Will it be Blake or Garrett? (Or neither? Ha ha ha it’s never neither.) Did Becca make a mistake with Jason? And who are you most excited to see on the Men Tell All? Post your thoughts below!

Now if you’ll excuse me, much like Blake, I have to pee.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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The Bachelorette

One single woman searches for her future husband amid a sea of studs in this romantic reality series. Will you accept this rose?

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