The gang heads to the Bahamas for some romance on the beach
Credit: Paul Hebert/ABC

Don’t be sad because Richmond, Virginia, is over, rose lovers — be grateful that it happened. This week, Becca and her man-harem have alighted in the far less glamorous locale of the Bahamas, but let’s try to make do.

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Once Becca and the guys get settled in their sweet Baha Mar suites, the Bachelorette sits down with Chris Harrison for a pre-date chat. She’s hoping for a drama-free week (LOLz) and some “romance on the beach.” Becca admits she’s “falling for a couple guys here” — which means four dudes are just treading water (heh heh) until she’s allowed to cut them. This week, by the way, roses will be handed out on dates — and the guys left empty-handed at the end of each date will not be bringing Becca (and a fleet of cameras) into their homes next week. Time to separate the wheat from the chaff, “lady”!

Oh dear. This is what Wills chose to wear to greet Becca in the Bahamas.

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Credit: ABC

I don’t want to say that’s why Wills didn’t get the first date, but I’m sure it didn’t help. Instead, Becca plucks Colton from the couch for a one-on-one in the Bahamas sun. The guys are surprised and more than a little annoyed because — drumroll, please — Colton still hasn’t told Becca he’s a virgin. Look, his body, his choice — but I agree that this is information Colton needs to share with Becca ASAP. She’s looking for a husband, not a pupil. Or as Garrett puts it, she just may not want to “take that on.”

Especially since Becca is already giddy about how much “chemistry and passion” she has with the former football player. “He could just pick me up and do whatever he wants to do,” she says. Just as Colton is working up the courage to tell Becca about his lack of experience, this guy shows up:

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Credit: ABC

“You know what y’all need?” he asks the duo. “Some conch.” As it turns out, the “pistol” of the conch mollusk is known as “Bahamian Viagra,” and since Becca and Colton haven’t made out for at least 10 minutes, they need all the natural aphrodisiacs they can get. Plus, it gives Team Bachelorette an opportunity to make Becca say things like this:

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Credit: ABC

When they’re back on deck, the guide cuts open the conch and helps Colton and Becca remove the pistol, which closely resembles a slimy worm. “Chew it like gum!” he instructs Colton. “Put it in your mouth, man!”

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“If you eat one, I’ll eat one,” Becca says gamely. That’s the spirit, honey! But try not to get too hot and bothered, because Colton is about to throw a bucket of ice-cold water on your libido.

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Credit: ABC

Okay, I’m sorry — that’s not fair. Colton was actually a lot more articulate about his situation, saying: “I told you earlier that I put my professional life in front of my personal life. And I spent a lot of time working on football Colton, and I sort of forgot who personal Colton was… And I haven’t had that many girlfriends, that many dates, because of sports. Um, and because of that, I still am, I am a virgin.”

Becca, meanwhile, has a terrible poker face.

Credit: ABC

She thanks him for telling her, but she clearly doesn’t know what else to say, so she excuses herself politely and walks away from the table. “I don’t know what she’s thinking right now,” frets Colton. “It’s scary.” As much as I’d respect Becca for choosing to end things with Colton — she’s a grown-ass woman with needs, dammit! — we all know our Bachelorette is too nice to send a guy packing for sharing a potentially embarrassing fact with her on television. Colton goes on to admit that he “made up a lot of lies” to “fit in” with the other players’ locker-room talk, and now he feels guilty that he didn’t “stand up for the man I am.” (Next: Blake shame-spirals)

The good news for Becca is that Colton isn’t waiting for marriage, he’s just waiting for “the right heart.” You know what that means, baby: He’s ready to get biz-ay in the Fantasy Suite! Naturally, Becca gives Colton the rose.

The second one-on-one of the week goes to Garrett, which comes as a disappointment to all the guys, but Blake takes it the hardest. “She has to know this is killing me,” he groans. “She has to.” Then Colton comes home with a rose on his chest, and Blake starts to full-on shame-spiral.

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Credit: ABC

Hold that thought, pal. Let’s turn our attention to Garrett and Becca’s date, which begins with a flight over the crystal-blue waters in a rickety-looking seaplane. They travel to a “private” beach for a picnic and an afternoon of frolicking. Garrett tells Becca it was hard seeing Colton come back with a rose, but he’s not the type of guy who lets himself get “down and discouraged.” The Bachelorette knows a red flag when she sees one, and tries to press Garrett for more details about he handles stress and adversity. He’s all, Nah, nah, I’ve been upset a few times in my life, but that’s it.

It’s definitely a worrisome answer, but rather than pushing, Becca changes the subject to “We can talk at dinner — for now, let’s make out.”

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That night, Becca gets right to the point, asking Garrett why he chose to marry his first wife. He explains that he was ready for marriage and a family, and he thought his ex was the right person — even though, he adds, she was “hot-blooded” and was “screaming and yelling” all the time. “I just figured it would be something I would be able to handle,” he says. Instead, Garrett says he found himself “changing, like, who I was” to be with her. Again, Becca has concerns — no one wants a partner to subvert his own needs just to keep the peace in a relationship — and once again, Garrett assures her that there’s nothing to see here. “No, I don’t have anything that you’ve done that has, like, set me off,” he says. “Everything that I see in you is, like, everything that I’m looking for in a wife, and I’m beginning to fall in love with you.”

And she LOVES it. Go on, girl — give him that rose.

Okay, Blake, it’s your turn for a one-on-one date. Will you please stop whining now?

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And just because you had to wait so long for a second one-on-one, Becca has arranged a “surprise” concert with the gentlemen who loosed the toxic earworm known as “Who Let the Dogs Out” into the universe. Please welcome the Baha Men! Or don’t. Your choice.

Later, Blake and Becca sit on the beach and gush to each other about how “lucky” they are — and then Blake admits he was “freaking out” about not getting a solo date earlier. Her response, though, is like a dagger through Blake’s distressed T-shirt: “In a way, I do sympathize with Arie because I couldn’t understand how you could feel so strongly for multiple people,” says Becca. But now, “I see how difficult it probably was for him at the end.”

Blake knows it’s time to show some vulnerability, and fast. At dinner, he tells Becca that sometimes he has “issues opening up” because he comes from a family that used to “brush things under the rug.” That’s an understatement. Blake explains that when he was a teenager, his parents got divorced after his mom fell in love with a man who just happened to be his basketball coach/English teacher. That sent the small-town rumor mill into overdrive, and Blake ended up hearing things about his mom — like the fact that she was moving out of the house — from people he barely knew. Ouch.

“I don’t want to raise my kids that way,” Blake says. “I wanna put family first over everything.” Good for you, buddy. Break the cycle! He caps the night by telling Becca he loves her — which as we know is a surefire way to secure a rose. With that, Blake is hometown-bound. Plus, Becca says she’s in love with him! What a comeback, eh rose lovers? (Next: The dreaded three-on-one date)

After three “best dates ever,” it’s time for Becca to face the unfortunate task of sending two guys home. Jason, Leo, and Wills, you’re up!

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Buck up, boys. You’ve got a Bachelorette to impress. They meet Becca on a “private” island for a group game of volleyball and then brief-but-intense individual chats. “I really, really, want you to meet my parents,” says Wills. “Next year, they will be celebrating their 50th anniversary!” (Ooooh, this bodes well for Wills’ Bachelor qualifications — he’s seeking a love like mom and dad’s!)

Jason tells Becca he sees a happy future with her, and that’s why he’s stayed positive during an otherwise tough week. Leo’s feeling anxious, though, because he knows he’s so “different” from the remaining men. For one thing, he’s not ready to propose in two weeks — that’s for damn sure. Becca appreciates his honesty, but she’s also up front about the fact that she wants a guy who’s prepared to propose… and so Leo, I’m afraid that means your time here is up. Please pack your hair ties and go.

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Credit: ABC

One down, one to go. Becca is still torn once dinner rolls around, and she’s hoping she’ll get a “gut feeling” about which guy to keep. Should it be Jason, whom she has great chemistry with but who isn’t always as “vocal” with his “feelings” as Becca would like him to be? Or should it be Wills, who has the confidence to wear plaid suits and floral rompers, but who is definitely not the beefy-jock type Becca seems to go for (see: Garrett, Colton)? To our Bachelorette, the choice is between “somebody… who’s already all in” or someone “who I don’t know if he’s quite there with me yet.” Oh man, I think something super-sad is about to happen…

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CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE WILLS A HUG? And then let him cry in peace, okay? Sigh. Jason gets the final rose of the week, and Wills gets sent home because, as Becca tells him sadly, it simply “wasn’t there.” Your loss and The Bachelor’s gain — right, rose lovers? Let’s make this happen.

Four guys left! Before you go, please dry your tears about Wills — or is that just me? — and let me know what you thought about tonight’s episode. Whose hometown are you most looking forward to? Would you get engaged to a virgin? And how much would someone have to pay you to eat a conch pistol? Post your thoughts below! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go make a bunch of Wills gifs — it’s therapeutic.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

Episode Recaps

The Bachelorette

One single woman searches for her future husband amid a sea of studs in this romantic reality series. Will you accept this rose?

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