Chris loses his damn mind as Becca and the gang head to Virginia
Well, rose lovers, we’re down to just one controversial contestant on this season of The Bachelorette. Lincoln and his floor-pooping, indecent-assaulting ways are history, meaning Garrett is the last remaining contestant with a highly unfortunate past… as far as we know. There are only six guys left on Becca’s “journey”! But once again, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s recap this week, shall we?
After the two-on-one became a zero-on-one last week, Becca told the guys about their exciting new destination.
Um, okay? What follows is a 30-second free advertisement for Richmond, Virginia, narrated by Becca herself. (Man, I hope Team Bachelorette was able to milk a ton of free stuff out of the tourism board.) The good news is, we also get our first pre-date debrief with Chris Harrison.
The host gently teases the Bachelorette for reading two wedding magazines on the plane, adding, “That’s where this should be going.” Should, yes. Will? That’s doubtful. But let’s not get bogged down in reality right now. Instead, let’s watch the guys make contractually obligated Virginia puns.
Oooof — that had to hurt.
The first one-on-one of the week goes to Jason, who’s been waiting six long weeks to break out his special hair gel for the occasion. But his celebration is cut short by bickering between Chris and Lincoln, who get into a weird pissing match about a hypothetical two-on-one date. “It was so stupid,” Garrett sighs. “It’s like Dumb and Dumber, but I don’t know which one is which.” Jason slips out quietly, which is probably a smart move, because now Chris and Lincoln have moved on from fake dates to hurtful accusations.
“It’s exhausting,” groans Colton of the bickering. “It’s very apparent that the wheels on the bus have come all the way off.”
That’s for sure. Let’s join Jason and Becca on their date, as they travel around Richmond in a quaint trolley visiting historical landmarks, a donut bakery, and the Edgar Allen Poe museum.
After a brief stop at the museum’s Unhappy Hour and some making out on the trolley, Becca brings Jason to a local pub… where three of his good friends are waiting! Jason is so surprised he tears up, and I’ll admit, it’s pretty sweet. The guys say nice things about Jason to Becca, and Jason says nice things about Becca to the guys. The only unsettling part of the whole encounter is that everyone is drinking beer out of wine glasses, but you gotta take the good with the bad, I suppose.
That night, Jason tells Becca that while he may have run from “tough conversations” in the past, he’s been able to “put it out there” with her. He also relates a heartbreaking story about the time he and his father went to visit his grandma, who had Alzheimer’s, and she didn’t recognize her own son. “It was probably the worst moment he ever had in his life,” Jason says of his dad. “I could see the pain in his eyes, but he didn’t express it. And I never told him this, I saw him turn the corner and he was bawling his eyes out.” And if that isn’t sad enough, now Becca’s talking about losing her father at 19: “I watched him take his last breath.”
Can we take a break? I need a minute. (Next: The not-so-great debate)
Aaaand we’re back. Becca says her feelings for Jason “grew exponentially today,” so it’s no surprise that he gets the date rose.
Group date time! Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, and Chris — suited up in their Men’s Wearhouse finest — meet up with Becca at Richmond’s capitol building. And guess who else is waiting for them?
It’s George Washington and Abe Lincoln! Oh man, I hope they know how sorry (the majority of) Americans are about what we’ve done to this country. Anyhow, Honest Abe and G.W. announce to the guys that they’ll be debating each other to prove which one deserves to be her “running mate.” Let the #Beccalection begin!
Holy cow, it’s Virginia Governor Ralph Northam! Appearing on a reality show! Perhaps he’ll be president in 10 years. He asks Colton to describe the perfect date with Becca, and the football player sucks up excellently by kicking off his answer with, “Virginia is for lovers.” From there we get a montage of the guys trying to charm the crowd with their answers, until it’s Lincoln’s turn. Rather than actually answering the question Abe asked — “How do you envision your future with Becca?” — he responds with a dig at Chris. (Or so the editors would have us believe.)
Chris, who’s been droning on and on about how this day will bring him “redemption” in Becca’s eyes, interrupts a question directed at Blake to blast the guys for not being honest. Then Lincoln responds with another dig, and on and on it goes. Soon Chris is announcing to the crowd that Lincoln is “malicious and aggressive” and recounting the story of their fight the day before, and how Lincoln called him a “fat [bleep].” (P—y? Post your best guess below.) Whatever he said, this lady in the crowd LOVES it:
Becca, however, doesn’t find anything about this amusing. “I am very frustrated and upset right now,” she fumes. “Both Lincoln and Chris say that they’re here for me, but the way that they handled themselves… is just stupid drama that should not be happening in front of all these people.” Something tells me the producers would disagree.
Becca kicks off the after-party by asking the guys to put the drama aside and have a good night… but then Lincoln grabs her first, so you know that’s not going to happen. “Becca, look at me in the eye, please: I don’t want to stay with this guy anymore,” he says. “I’m scared of what he’s going to do next.” Even if Lincoln hadn’t made the same type of claim in week 2 about Connor, this wouldn’t be remotely credible, and Becca knows it too.
Ugh, and now here comes Chris. He tries to start things off all chill — “How are you feeling?” he asks Becca disingenuously — but as soon as he hears some of the accusations leveled against him by Lincoln, he starts getting defensive and talking over Becca. Plus, he’s wearing the world’s douchiest jeans.
“Whether you want to believe me or not, I can’t control how you feel or what you think,” says Chris, adding that when Becca expresses doubts about him, it “hurts me on the inside.” In other words, he completely reveals himself to be a manipulative bastard. Thankfully, Garrett arrives to steal Becca — but she informs him that she needs a few minutes to herself. That’s right, girl — go on with your self-care! (Next: Everyone hates Chris)
If only we could get some alone time, right, rose lovers? Instead, we have to watch Chris confront Lincoln again, and now Connor’s getting into the act, because Lincoln apparently told Becca that Connor is afraid of Chris too. Then Garrett comes back and snaps at Chris for putting Becca in such a bad “head state” that it “f—ed up the whole night.” He goes on to tell Chris to “get over it and move on,” because his grudge against Lincoln is ruining things for the other guys. (Becca, who’s pacing upstairs, hears all this, by the way.)
Garrett’s not the only one who’s angry. “If none of us get to talk to Becca tonight, I’m going to f—ing lose my s—,” says Wills, while Colton adds, “Y’all two need to just get on a plane and get out of here.” AMEN, former football player!
Eventually Becca returns and continues her conversations with the guys. Wills tells the Bachelorette that he’s “falling in love” with her, and it’s very sweet. (Wills for Bachelor, right? I mean, if he’s not a total jackass on Paradise, of course.) The date rose, however, goes to Colton.
The final one-on-one date of the week goes to Leo, which is weird because they have zero chemistry. But why nitpick? He and Becca hop on a plane for an aerial tour of Virginia, and while the scenery is lovely, the Bachelorette is feeling a little off. “I can’t get out of my head,” she admits. “It just felt… like I couldn’t give him the best side of me.” Leo listens patiently as Becca vents about the annoying drama on the group date and doesn’t try to fix things or explain away her feelings, which is nice. Then they put on waterproof pants and forage for oysters in the chilly waters.
Guys, why are we still watching this date? We all know Leo isn’t going to make it to the end — even after sharing that sad story about disappointing his father by not becoming a professional baseball player. Still, producers have a few more weeks to fill, so here we are. Having Opened Up™ sufficiently with his “I feel like I’m a not good enough” speech, Leo gets the date rose. (Oh, and a concert by some guy named Morgan Evans.)
Meanwhile, Chris is back at the hotel writing intensely in his journal. He’s definitely not pleased to see Leo walk through the door once again. “If Leo comes home, I really don’t think I’ll be around much longer,” he laments. From your lips to Harrison’s ears, buddy! Soon after Leo returns, Chris heads out to visit Becca at her hotel down the street. Does he really think that’s a good idea? More importantly, why is he so focused on Lincoln’s egg intake?
Knock-knock-knock! There’s a scruffy jerk at the door! Chris wants Becca know that he can “absolutely” see himself marrying her, but she’s all, Hold up — last week you wanted to go home, but this week you want to put a ring on it? Bish, please. He doesn’t make things any better by instructing Becca to “not think about that anymore.” Sorry, what? She’s not to think about your erratic, often-manipulative behavior? Again, Becca is not having it.
“Am I not allowed to express how I feel, though?” whines Chris. “I’ve been attacked for the last week and a half…”
“And you’ve also done some attacking,” says Becca, who then tells Chris again that she wants him to leave. “All right,” Chris mumbles, before refusing her offer to walk him out. “I don’t need, like, a walk out,” he pouts.
Fill in the blank, rose lovers! “This is great”? “This is long overdue”? Whatever, Chris is gone now — let’s enjoy our few weeks of peace before his jerk face is back on our screens thanks to Paradise.
The guys don’t have much time to celebrate Chris’s ouster, because the next night Harrison arrives and tells them Becca has canceled the cocktail party. Sucks for you guys, but good for us because it means the episode is almost over. But before we get to the rose ceremony, can I please take a moment to celebrate Becca’s dress?
What can I say? I’m a sucker for a beaded flower situation. Don’t @ me.
And the roses go to: Garrett, Blake, and Wills. That means the “journey” ends here for Connor and Lincoln, which totally fine with me (and probably all of Bachelor Nation).
Welp, we’re down to six guys, rose lovers! Before you click away, let me know your thoughts on this week’s adventure. Are you surprised that Leo got a rose? Does Jason have a shot at the final rose? And will you please support my #WillsForBachelor campaign? Post your thoughts below! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to ask a hypnotist to erase fake Abe Lincoln’s “emancipation” joke from my brain.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.