Welcome back to last week’s cocktail party, rose lovers! If you’ll recall — which I, hand to God, did not until starting tonight’s episode — we didn’t get a rose ceremony last week, as the action ended right after Clay took his leave early. So let’s travel back in time, shall we?
As the cocktail party winds down, Blake pulls Becca aside to “cheer her up” in the wake of Clay’s departure. His strategy: Going all in on the “perfect husband” charade. “How many kids do you want?” he asks our Bachelorette. She says three, and he raises her with “three to five.” (She responds as any sane woman would: “Holy s—, okay! Hmmm… we’ll talk.”)
Jordan, meanwhile, thinks he can make the most of his “five minutes” with Becca by simply not wearing a tie. “I’ve got a shirt that’s cut out for a tie here, you know?” he explains. “It’s got the angled collar, and I’m not wearing a tie with it. So it kind of shows her, like, this guy, he could go either way right now.” Revolutionary! Becca, of course, thinks Jordan is a total joke, so she gives him a pair of gold lamé short-shorts.
And he LOVES it. “This night couldn’t be better!” he gushes. “I think Becca might have my groin on her mind.” Ewwwww. But Jordan’s victory celebration is cut short when his nemesis, David the Chicken, returns from the hospital, busted face and all.
“I’ll be feeling better in no time!” he assures Becca. “I’m excited to continue the journey with you.” Naturally, the Bachelorette gives him a pity rose, which David promptly rubs in Jordan’s face. “What up, Jordan?” he gloats.
The male model — who is now voluntarily referring to himself as “Captain Underpants” — vows to “crush” his chicken opponent. Good God, Becca deserves better than these idiots. Can we just get this rose ceremony over with? Joining David, Chris, and Colton in the “winners” circle are: Jason, Wills, Nick (who is inexplicably wearing a track suit), Christon, Lincoln (ugh, more on this asshat later), Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, and Jean Blanc. Goodbye Man Bun! See ya, Ryan! As for the rest of you, it’s time to pack up and head to Park City, Utah! (Next: Garrett’s big secret)