The Bachelorette recap: 'Cheers to you for being a bitch'
Hello again, rose lovers! This week’s episode of The Bachelorette is all about confrontation. Tia comes face-to-face with her (quasi-) ex Colton, and then poor David has a face-off with the stone floor after falling out of bed and has to be rushed to the hospital. (The ambulance “incident” was not the result of bloody fisticuffs, as Team Bachelorette hinted at with multiple ambulance promos, but it never is, is it?)
Let’s start at the beginning. It’s a rainy day at Casa Bachelorette, where everyone’s eating a hearty breakfast and dealing with their own issues. David and Jordan are busy silently hating each other, while Colton is fretting over whether Becca will send him home because he dated Tia. He’ll find out soon enough, because he’s on the first group date of the week, along with Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, and Jean Blanc.
But first, the Bachelorette and her besties need a little girl time.
Welcome Caroline, Tia, Baby Bekah, Sienna, and Kendall! “I’m really excited to have you guys be my extra eyes and ears” on the group date, Becca says. “I know you’ll ask the right questions for all of them.” Naturally, the Colton issue comes up, and Tia’s quick to point out that the two dated “before the Arie season had even started airing.” But she also says that “of course” Colton might have signed up for The Bachelorette thinking Tia would be the one handing out the roses, which is not easy for Becca to hear.
“I don’t want you to be upset and, like, tormented over that,” Tia says sadly. Becca agrees to reserve judgment for now, but if she determines there’s even a “small part” of Colton that wanted Tia to be the Bachelorette, she’s gonna send his butt home. Okay, boys, it’s time to meet the “special guests” you’ll be pampering as part of this spa date.
That’s right, Colton! It’s the Almost Bachelorette! “This is one of my worst nightmares,” he says, sighing. “I’m scared.” Becca’s pretty shaken up too, so much so that she completely blanks on Jason’s name when introducing him to her friends.
Don’t worry, honey — it happens to all of us. After a quick change into some spa whites, the guys begin rubbing feet and shoulders, painting toenails, and letting the “ladies” paint their fingernails. As soon as she finds a free moment, Becca pulls Tia aside to hear her side of the Colton situation. “The most we did was kiss,” insists Tia. Well, that’s odd — first Colton said they had a “relationship,” then he downgraded that to “a weekend together,” and now Tia is saying they just kissed. Is this the Benjamin Button of relationships or what?
Becca seems less concerned with how serious Tia and Colton were and more upset with the strong possibility that he signed up for the show hoping Tia was going to be the Bachelorette. “I hope he’s fully here for you,” Tia tells her weakly. Becca decides she’s just going to ask Colton point blank — which isn’t a great plan, because even if he was hoping ABC chose Tia, he’s certainly not going to admit that on camera. (Next: Chicken vs. Zoolander)
At the after-party, Becca tries to make up for forgetting Jason’s name by telling him she has “a little crush” on him and making out with him on the couch. Meanwhile, Colton asks Jordan about something he said earlier about his Tinder account: “I got a notification one day, it said, ‘Congratulations! You’ve reached 4,000 matches on Tinder in 2017.’” This, of course, is like throwing chum into a shark swarm, and soon the guys are grilling Jordan about how much time he spent on Tinder to accumulate that many matches. “I wasn’t on it every day!” the male model insists, adding that his match ratio is “pretty close” to 100 percent.
David the Chicken finds this information completely appalling, and he decides to use his one-on-one time with Becca to complain about Jordan. “I’m not one to throw people under the bus,” he says, before tossing Jordan directly into the path of an oncoming Greyhound: “He was bragging about his Tinder, he’s got 4,000 matches… 100 percent success rate.” Though Becca looks annoyed by David’s tattletale ways, she uses this info to humiliate Jordan in front of the rest of the guys. “Four thousand matches?” she asks him playfully. “High-five, bud.” Don’t leave her hanging, pal!
Nice drive-by diss, Becca! Jordan is mortified. “That’s a bitch move,” he snaps. “Cheers to you for being a bitch.” Jordan then marches off to redeem himself with Becca. She’s all, “It’s fine, I was just joking,” but this extremely uncomfortable hug says otherwise.
It’s clear, though, that Becca isn’t upset — she realizes Jordan is a joke and her job is to keep him around for now, because the producers think he’s good TV.
The best part of this Jordan-David beef, though, is watching the other guys try to keep it together while Zoolander and Chicken Man go at it.
As expected, Becca totally buys it when Colton says he’s there for her, and that his “emotions” for her are “so strong.” They make out, and he gets the date rose. (Next: Give it up for Richard Marx!)
The next day, rain is still falling as Becca and her chosen one-on-one date, Chris, drive up to the iconic Capitol Records building in Los Angeles, home to such legendary artists as Nat King Cole, Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, and… Richard Marx, who just happens to be right there waiting for them.
The Grammy-winning soft-rock god is there to help Becca and Chris write their own love song. “All you have to do is write down what you feel,” he says. Can Chris, he of the high hair and meticulously manscaped goatee, be “vulnerable” enough to win Becca over? It’s going to be tough, because the last time he wrote something emotional — a letter to his estranged father — it did not go well. But after a pep talk and a smooch from Becca, Chris is ready to put his feelings down on paper.
And she LOVES it — especially when Marx uses his mad musical skillz to set Becca and Chris’ lyrics to a tune on the spot. At dinner, Chris tells Becca about his parents’ divorce, how his dad walked away from the family on New Year’s Day, and about the emotional letter Chris wrote that his father never bothered to acknowledge. Opening up in the face of emotional adversity? That’s what The Bachelorette is all about, baby! Give him the date rose, Becca — don’t keep Richard Marx waiting (again)!
Things are far less romantic back at Casa Bachelorette, where poor David is being carried out of the mansion on a stretcher. “It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen,” says Lincoln, of seeing David “slumped on the ground” with “blood everywhere.” Oh my God, what happened? Producers sure want us to think it has something to do with Jordan, because before the commercial break, they cut to him sulking alone in the living room.
When we come back, it’s the next morning, and the guys are discussing what happened — without really telling us what happened. Colton heard Blake “screaming David’s name” and then saw David on the ground bleeding. Colton adds that it looked like “this dude just got attacked by a bear!” So… did he? For the love of all that is holy, can SOMEONE please explain what’s going on??? Oh, thank God — Harrison’s here.
The host tells Becca that David is in intensive care with a “busted nose, busted face” — but not because one of the other guys beat him up. “Um, he fell out of bed… and landed on his face.” Kudos, Harrison, for getting those words out with a straight face. Fortunately, the producers have Jordan drill a guard rail onto David’s bed to prevent another accident. Who knew Jordan was a carpenter as well as a Wilhelmena model? (Next: “Get your s— together!”)
Anyhow, Becca gets proof of life by calling David on the phone — he promises her he’ll be back for the rest of the “journey” as soon as he recovers — and then heads off to the group date. Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake meet the Bachelorette on the Ventura College field for a football-themed date. Team Bachelorette has also invited Malissa Miles and Dina Karwoski, two players from the all-female Legends Football League, to ensure maximum humiliation.
Man, it would be really embarrassing if Clay’s team (Lincoln, Mike, John, Blake) didn’t win in the inevitable “Becca Bowl,” wouldn’t it? “It’s gonna be some pretty bad football,” Harrison says to his co-announcer, Keyshawn Johnson. “Let’s be honest.”
You are correct, sir. And unfortunately for Clay, his teammate Lincoln is the most inept player of all.
You know what that means: Clay has to do all the damn work himself. When the blue team falls behind 21-7, Clay basically plays every position and manages to even the score, but not without busting up his wrist real good.
Medics cart him off to the ER, while Becca and the rest of the guys gather at Big Daddy’s antique store/event space for some intimate chats in a shabby-chic environment. Though she’s sad Clay can’t be there, Becca has a good time smooching Garrett, Leo, and Blake (who’s already calling Becca his “girlfriend,” and she LOVES it). Before the end of the night, though, Clay returns with his arm in a sling — and the Bachelorette is so happy to see him she gives him a kiss, and the date rose.
And the final cocktail party is upon us! Becca is feeling great — “I truly feel l like my man and my future husband is in that group of guys” — but Clay is stressing out. The doctor says he needs an operation on his wrist immediately if he wants to keep playing football — a sport he loves, and also the job that helps him support his loved ones financially. So should he leave early to protect his NFL career — which Clay estimates will last another three years — or should he take a chance on “love” now? Survey says…
Awwwwww, I hate to see Clay go. Maybe he’ll be all healed up in time for Paradise? Becca’s sad too, but she understands. “How great is it that he still wants to provide for his family?” she says, wiping away tears. “I would never want to take that away from him.”
Team Bachelorette, however, has no problem taking the rose ceremony away from us — because the episode is over! We’ll apparently pick things up at the cocktail party next week, when David returns, having undergone a pixelectomy:
No matter what David looks like now, she’s gotta give him a rose, right? And now, rose lovers, it’s time to assess what we’ve just seen. Did Clay make the right choice? Were you surprised at how quickly Becca got over the Tia issue with Colton? And how many more promos will it take until you crack and agree to watch The Proposal? Post your thoughts below!
One single woman searches for her future husband amid a sea of studs in this romantic reality series. Will you accept this rose?