Becca gets acquainted with her suitors, with a little help from Lil Jon
Man, ABC sure had a rough run on social media last week. First Roseanne Barr murdered her hit sitcom with a racist tweet attack on Valerie Jarrett, and a few days later, seemingly harmless Bachelorette contestant Garrett Yrigoyen publicly atoned for supporting offensive posts on Instagram. I hope someone has the Bachelor interns scouring every potential Paradise contestant’s Snapchat accounts for dubious content, or we could be in for a very grim summer.
But now for the happy news: Becca’s ready to date again! And what a stellar group of guys she has waiting for her at the mansion.
Same, Harrison. Same. The first group date goes to Clay, Nick, Chris R., David (chicken guy), Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln. They head out to Saddlerock Ranch, where Becca awaits in a long white dress. (The date card did say, “I’m ready for my big day,” after all.) Though the Bachelorette promises the guys some “pampering,” she then leads them to a rack of tuxedos and tells them to get changed… in the middle of the room.
As a professional mannequin, Jordan is definitely in his element. “Wait, are you a model?” asks Becca, who must not have talked to Jordan at ALL on night one, because he must say the word “model” every 43 seconds. After everyone’s dressed up, the Bachelorette leads them out to an obstacle course on a grassy field. And guess who’s hosting!
Once again, Mila and Ashton were busy. Anyhow, the course features wedding-themed challenges like Ball & Chain, Slippery Slope, and Get Over Your Exes. It’s important to note that Connor thought it was perfectly acceptable to announce that he planned to use the Cold Feet obstacle — wherein the guys stand waist-deep in barrels of ice-cold water — for “a nice little bathroom break.” (Fortunately, Team Bachelorette chose not to provide any footage of that moment.)
Lincoln is the first out of the Cold Feet barrel — though Chris R. feels certain he cheated, since he got in the tub before Lincoln. When it comes down to the final race to the altar, David the Chicken looks like he can pull off a win… until Lincoln gives him “a little nudge” and barrels up to Becca with the cake-covered ring in his hand. He takes the win, but in the process Lincoln loses the respect of some of his fellow suitors. “If you’re cheating on a small little game here,” grouses Conner, “what does that say about your character?”
At the post-date cocktail party, Lincoln is the first to pull Becca aside for a one-on-one chat, an act that only serves to irritate the other guys even more. They really have no need to be jealous, because everything Lincoln says to Becca is basically nonsense. Example: “I genuinely believe as long as you are who you are, which you always are, you will always get nothing from the best from me.” He does, however, get a framed “wedding” photo of his “future wife”…
…and a brief couch make-out session. When Lincoln returns to the holding pen, he brandishes the photo proudly, setting it up on the table next to the rose and even talking to it like it’s not an inanimate object. “You don’t have to brag about anything,” Connor grumbles. “We know what happened.” Braced with a little liquid courage, Connor picks up the photo and tosses it behind the couch. He gets even more irritated when Lincoln retrieves it, so he grabs the photo and tosses it over the patio and into the pool. It’s a “classless” move, says Lincoln, but he’s not about to “make a scene” over it. “I was raised better than that,” he huffs. “My mom would kill me if I acted like that.”
While this petty ish is going on in the sitting room, Jean Blanc is off in a cozy corner charming the bejeezus out of Becca. “You made me feel so good today,” she gushes. “You’re just so good at eye contact — the little wink that you gave me, I’m like, ‘He is so sweet and so attentive!’” And they share a pleasant kiss. (Next: Tears of a clown)
Unfortunately for Becca, Lincoln is waiting to fill her in on picturegate as soon as she comes down the stairs. He also adds a few flourishes, saying Connor “smashed” the picture and then threw it in the pool, which made him feel “threatened physically.” Come on, buddy, you’re completely jacked — do you really expect us to believe that Captain Hairdo intimidates you? Switching into mom-with-quarreling-kids mode, Becca tells Lincoln to “take some deep breaths” while she goes and talks to Connor about his “aggressive behavior.”
Oh, man, does Connor fail this interview. “I just got rid of it,” he says. “I just sent it away, I guess you could say.” When he tries to talk over Becca, she cuts him off with a firm, “But I’m looking for a man that can still stay respectful and handle himself well…. I don’t want to deal with the bulls— and the drama with the other guys.” And with that, the Bachelorette walks away and leaves Connor alone to think about what he’s done. Also, sweet-smelling Jean Blanc gets the rose.
The next morning, Lincoln is still crying — actual tears — about the picture. “He destroyed something that meant a lot to me,” he sniffles. “It broke my heart.” Colton and Jason look on uncomfortably, and gently try to tell Lincoln to “forget it” and “move on.” Later, Jason and Jordan sit outside and scoff about Lincoln’s tears, and Jordan even uses the occasion to invent a new word.
I want to say that’s the love child of “ingenuity” and “disingenuous,” but I don’t think we’ll ever truly know what goes on inside a male model’s brain.
Anyhow, it’s time for the first one-on-one date! Becca has chosen Blake, and he’s thrilled to ride in a limo since he rode up to the mansion on an ox. The Bachelorette says the date will be a surprise to her too, because Chris Harrison is in charge of the day’s activities.
Damn, Harrison can make anything look sexy. The host instructs Becca and Blake to put on jumpsuits and safety goggles, and then sends them into a vast warehouse. Inside, pieces of Becca’s past — in the form of a beat-up race car, a bank of TVs showing Arie’s proposal on a loop, and even the couch she was sitting on when Arie dumped her — are waiting… as is Grammy-winning rap artist Lil Jon. “All you’re gonna do today is purge those memories by destroying it all,” says Lil Jon. “And once you destroy this stuff… the memories are gone.”
Hit it, DJ!
What follows is perhaps the whitest rap video of all time, as Becca and Blake smash champagne bottles, a fish tank (no animals were harmed, PETA!), a glass coffee table, little white hearts filled with colored powder, and TV sets, while “Turn Down for What” blares in the background.
Over dinner, Blake tells Becca about his last big relationship, in which he “fell hard and fell fast.” Soon after Blake and his girlfriend exchanged “I love yous,” she dumped him — but the pain was worth it, he says, because the experience proved to him that he’s “capable of loving that much.” And she LOVES it.
Confession: Sometimes I think about what breakup sob story I’d tell if somehow I was transported to an alternate universe where 45-year-old married women could be contestants on The Bachelor. I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t think any of my breakups can really be condensed into vague, easily digestible sound bites. Am I the only one who thinks about this? (Don’t answer that.) As you probably already figured out, rose lovers, Blake gets the date rose. (Next: So many balls!)
On to group date No. 2! A good old-fashioned yellow bus picks Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton up at the mansion and drives them to a nearby school. That’s where these little demons come in:
The children turn out to be mini drill sergeants who bark orders and insults at the guys as they make them perform various feats of physical fitness, like running suicides and catching dodge balls going 100 mph. “Trash!” bellows one of the boys. “Do you think Becca wants trash?” (Again, don’t answer that.)
Of course, this is all just a warm-up for the real main event: a trampoline dodgeball tournament in front of a screaming crowd of people who happened to be walking by when the P.A.s were handing out wristbands.
Everyone on the pink team basically sucks except poor Leo, who ends up being the last man standing on his team round after round after round. Still, the green team prevails and takes home the classy, two-balled trophy made of gold-plated plastic, or whatever. At least everyone gets to go to the after-party, and none of the guys on the winning team pulls a Krystal.
The night seems to be moving along nicely, with no drama — Alex jokingly asks the pink team if he should move the green team’s trophy out of sight — and then we get to Colton.
Long story short, a few months before Becca was named the Bachelorette, Colton had “a relationship” with Becca’s friend (and one of the women on Arie’s season of The Bachelor), Tia. Though he keeps using the term “relationship,” Colton goes on to clarify that he and Tia spent “a weekend together,” and that “the timing wasn’t right” to date for real. Yeah… that doesn’t help. Becca’s still grossed out. “It makes me feel a little bit sick,” she tells him. “It puts me in a very strange position.” Though she cuts her conversation with Colton short to go “think about it,” Becca shakes off her funk long enough to give Wills (and his sweet jacket) the date rose.
Our Bachelorette is still wigging out inside when it’s time for the cocktail party, but she’s trying to “push through” and “form connections” with the guys, and all that.
Fun fact: So far, it seems like Becca has initiated the majority of the kisses we’ve seen. Clay gets a smooch, John the (not really) creator of Venmo gets a smooch, and even Conner gets back in Becca’s good graces after he asks her to toss a framed photo of him into the pool. (Next: Jordan bares almost all)
Oh dear, this is embarrassing — Jordan seems to have forgotten how to dress himself.
Apparently, this is the male model’s way of assuring Becca that he’s more than just a “007” type… though I’m pretty sure he’s the only one who sees himself that way. “My hair’s always going to be pretty well kept,” he explains. “But I like to have fun.”
Guys, it gets worse.
Rather than talking about how he hopes to get married and start a family with someone special, he instead frames the procreation issue as “having a mini-me or something, you know? That’s also a big passion for me – having a little Jordan. Like, I could call him, possibly, Jordy.” As you can tell from Becca’s body language, she’s really digging him.
David the Chicken is very annoyed by Jordan’s antics, especially since Jordan interrupted his one-on-one time with Becca. The time for “fun” and “playful” was on night one, he tells Jordan — after that, put the chicken suits and boxer briefs back in the closet. “You are in the wrong,” says David. “I hope that Becca is able to see this side of you.” Oh lord, now the chicken is making up words!
“It’s called ingueninity,” sniffs Jordan. Is it me, or are these contestants getting markedly more stupid each passing season?
While these dummies are fighting it out in the living room, let’s check in on Colton and Becca, who are having part 2 of the always uncomfortable “so you f—ed my friend” conversation. Poor Becca tears up as she tells him that even though she has “interest” in him, she’s hesitant to “invest” in their relationship because of the giant red flag sprouting out of his head. “I just feel like I should send Colton home,” she sighs. Maybe she should, but will she? Let’s find out!
And the roses go to: Chris R., Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David the Chicken, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, Jordan (ugh), Lincoln, and… Colton! Which means tonight we must part with Rickey, Trent (who?), and Alex, who is so overtired that he cries in his goodbye confessional.
Welp, rose lovers, let me hear your take on week 2. Do you think Becca wanted to send Colton home, but producers made her keep him around until Tia shows up next week? How on earth did Connor get a rose? And was Garrett’s social media apology enough? Post your thoughts below! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go download some Lil Jon.
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