Man, ABC sure had a rough run on social media last week. First Roseanne Barr murdered her hit sitcom with a racist tweet attack on Valerie Jarrett, and a few days later, seemingly harmless Bachelorette contestant Garrett Yrigoyen publicly atoned for supporting offensive posts on Instagram. I hope someone has the Bachelor interns scouring every potential Paradise contestant’s Snapchat accounts for dubious content, or we could be in for a very grim summer.
But now for the happy news: Becca’s ready to date again! And what a stellar group of guys she has waiting for her at the mansion.
Same, Harrison. Same. The first group date goes to Clay, Nick, Chris R., David (chicken guy), Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln. They head out to Saddlerock Ranch, where Becca awaits in a long white dress. (The date card did say, “I’m ready for my big day,” after all.) Though the Bachelorette promises the guys some “pampering,” she then leads them to a rack of tuxedos and tells them to get changed… in the middle of the room.
As a professional mannequin, Jordan is definitely in his element. “Wait, are you a model?” asks Becca, who must not have talked to Jordan at ALL on night one, because he must say the word “model” every 43 seconds. After everyone’s dressed up, the Bachelorette leads them out to an obstacle course on a grassy field. And guess who’s hosting!
Once again, Mila and Ashton were busy. Anyhow, the course features wedding-themed challenges like Ball & Chain, Slippery Slope, and Get Over Your Exes. It’s important to note that Connor thought it was perfectly acceptable to announce that he planned to use the Cold Feet obstacle — wherein the guys stand waist-deep in barrels of ice-cold water — for “a nice little bathroom break.” (Fortunately, Team Bachelorette chose not to provide any footage of that moment.)
Lincoln is the first out of the Cold Feet barrel — though Chris R. feels certain he cheated, since he got in the tub before Lincoln. When it comes down to the final race to the altar, David the Chicken looks like he can pull off a win… until Lincoln gives him “a little nudge” and barrels up to Becca with the cake-covered ring in his hand. He takes the win, but in the process Lincoln loses the respect of some of his fellow suitors. “If you’re cheating on a small little game here,” grouses Conner, “what does that say about your character?”
At the post-date cocktail party, Lincoln is the first to pull Becca aside for a one-on-one chat, an act that only serves to irritate the other guys even more. They really have no need to be jealous, because everything Lincoln says to Becca is basically nonsense. Example: “I genuinely believe as long as you are who you are, which you always are, you will always get nothing from the best from me.” He does, however, get a framed “wedding” photo of his “future wife”…
…and a brief couch make-out session. When Lincoln returns to the holding pen, he brandishes the photo proudly, setting it up on the table next to the rose and even talking to it like it’s not an inanimate object. “You don’t have to brag about anything,” Connor grumbles. “We know what happened.” Braced with a little liquid courage, Connor picks up the photo and tosses it behind the couch. He gets even more irritated when Lincoln retrieves it, so he grabs the photo and tosses it over the patio and into the pool. It’s a “classless” move, says Lincoln, but he’s not about to “make a scene” over it. “I was raised better than that,” he huffs. “My mom would kill me if I acted like that.”
While this petty ish is going on in the sitting room, Jean Blanc is off in a cozy corner charming the bejeezus out of Becca. “You made me feel so good today,” she gushes. “You’re just so good at eye contact — the little wink that you gave me, I’m like, ‘He is so sweet and so attentive!’” And they share a pleasant kiss. (Next: Tears of a clown)