With that, it’s time for Rachel to make her way into the house, where the men are already good and tipsy and just cannot get over what a catch she is. Rachel tells the guys that all she wants is for them to keep it real before they toast to #noregrets.
The first man to steal Rachel away is Josiah, and the other guys CANNOT BELIEVE THEIR EYES. (Sure, this is crazy, but Whaboom is normal?!)
Josiah immediately goes in on the story of how he became a prosecutor, and seeing as how Rachel is a fan of “full-circle” stories — aren’t we all? — she seems happy enough. But then there’s Dean, who literally brings a sandbox with him so that they can build a sandcastle together because apparently, he loves the beach. Oh, but don’t ask him how to build a sandcastle, because he’s never done it. This just in: He’s also never been to the beach.
While the guy who can’t stop calling Rachel his “first-round draft pick” sits down with her, the Bachelorette producers have their fun with creepy Adam Jr. and his impressive fade, according to Kenny. They’re so into this bit that they even lay AJ in front of the fire, a definite hazard. And now the doll is talking in French. Too far, guys. Too far.
After Rachel escapes from AJ — she’s the only person who hates that doll more than I do — she sits down with Fred. As much as she finds him attractive, she can’t get past him being a third grader she used to discipline for being a bad little boy. In related news, Fred’s hoping she’ll still discipline him for being a bad little boy.
It’s Bryan who saves Rachel from a very awkward memory lane, and after speaking a little more Spanish and forcing Rachel to stand for the duration of their time together — there are literally a million couches at this place — he goes in for the kiss. Is it bold? Yes. Does it seem like he’s trying to eat her face? A little bit. But hey, she enjoys it.
Just then, Harrison enters with the first impression rose and the men LOSE THEIR MINDS. Completely ignoring Josiah’s word choice that he’s “coming hard,” the men snap into survival mode, which brings me, quite obviously, to breaking down the stages of Survival Mode.
1. Mansplaining. Sitting around the mansion, the men begin to explain (to other men, by the way) what that rose means — safety for another week! Rachel likes you! It’s “a big deal.”
2. Posturing/Borat impressions. DeMario and Josiah engage in a classic battle of “dibs” as they both start calling Rachel “my wife.”
3. Overanalyzing. As the men look around at their competition, they do the worst thing possible: They start making comparisons. “She can’t pick the guy in a penguin suit because mine cost $2,000!” “Surely she can’t choose Whaboom!”
4. Interrupting. As poor Rachel tries to get to know these men, they start crowding around her just waiting for that 30-second mark so they can make their move and steal her away from whichever guy she’s currently talking to. Unless their name is Mo. That poor guy is so drunk he doesn’t know what to do. Then there’s Lucas, who somehow still has his megaphone, and he’s louder than ever as he narrates Rachel’s time with another guy. “We’re in trouble,” he says. “This guy’s killing it. He has no fear. The only fear he has is himself.”
5. Acceptance. Just kidding! They’re still losing their minds.
After Lucas sits down with Rachel and reveals that his shirt does get worse is in fact a tank top, Blake E. decides to call the self-proclaimed “big dog” out. Blake asks Lucas why he’s here and why he’s wearing his catchphrase on his shirt, but as Lucas explains, it’s only because everyone has a little “whaboom” in them. You know, in the way that everyone is capable of losing their minds if they shake their brains hard enough.
Once Rachel gets away from the weird purring guy who either thinks that’s sexy or is doing his best Catwoman impression, she gets to talk to Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, who feels like his chances at the first impression rose are pretty good. But they’re not as good as Bryan’s. Rachel not only gives the rose to the sexy Colombian, but he also lands another (very aggressive) kiss. The best part? Mo yelling, “NOOOO, keep your mouth away” in the background.
And we’ve finally made it to the rose ceremony, where Rachel hands out roses to Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam (but not Adam Jr.), Blake E., and Lucas, who gives us the first “I love you” of the season (which only proves that he can say something other than “whaboom” and still have it be equally as uncomfortable).
That means it’s goodbye for Mo, Rob, Kyle, Blake K., Grant, Jedidiah, Michael, and Milton, better known as the one who purred a lot and is now crying because he won’t get to show off the many outfits he bought for this gig. (And to think: A penguin suit and a Whaboom shirt beat him. If only he’d purred more, maybe.) Although, after watching that freestyle rap at the end of the episode, I don’t think it was just Milton’s purring that got him sent home. Maybe he does have a little whaboom in him after all.
That’s it for week one. I will see you all back here when Rachel’s journey really begins next week. If you need me before then, I’ll be stealing Lucas’ megaphone. You’re welcome.